Blessings from Little People

When you're feeling a bit low and in need of a pick-me-up may I suggest you find a way to start your day in an elementary classroom.  I guess I should clarify that ... as a GUEST in an elementary classroom. I was married to a teacher for 41 years so I do know the daily life of a teacher often doesn't feel like a "pick-me-up".  But these kids 💗  ... they sure know how to make you feel special and loved. And I don't often get to have that blessing in my life.

I entered this 3rd grade classroom to wonderful exclamations of "Miss Dianne!" I had visited with them only once 3 months ago and was so pleasantly surprised they remembered me. I explained a little bit about what SoulBooks are and read some of the words and quotes I had chosen to include in their books. And then I handed each book out one at a time and received a lovely hug from each of these very special children. 

   

The reactions to their books touched me deeply. They really loved that their name was on the cover. And some were even exclaiming over the specific duct tape I had used to bind their book. Others liked the page colors and asked how I had made the books. Catherine, their teacher, asked them to choose their favorite quote from their book and they took turns sharing them (most were unable to limit themselves to just one quote). They loved that I had included a photo of their teacher in the book - and also some photos from my first visit with them - and that I had left space for them to add things to their books.

I was asked to again read the book I had read to them during Reading Week (You! by Sandra Magsamen) that fits in beautifully with the words in their SoulBooks. And then I was asked to sit in the 'hot seat'. Now this is a hot seat I wouldn't mind sitting in daily.  The children took turns saying something kind to me. Each and every one of them.  Oh. my. heart.

Each of these students is so very special, but there is one that I connected with during my first visit because we share a love for the Vegas Golden Knights and our goalie, Marc-Andre Fleury. Levi was able to meet Marc-Andre at one of the team practices and Catherine had shared a couple of photos of that with me. I included those photos and a Golden Knights logo sticker in Levi's book and he was thrilled. He shared with me that he's hoping to play on two hockey teams this next year. Perhaps one day this special little boy will be a Golden Knight himself!

And a final little God-wink occurred during my visit when I learned that one of the teachers who had dropped by while I was in the 'hot seat' had worked for Vern at the Orleans Arena. It is always so wonderful when someone shares that they knew my guy.

So while my procrastination caused me to stay up all night finishing these special little books, I cannot think of a better way I could have spent my time. I dozed a bit while at the hair salon after leaving the school and came home to try to purchase tickets to the first Stanley Cup Final home game during the special presale (but was not successful). Tomorrow will find me at the DMV renewing my drivers license and then .... it will be time for my first date in 49 years. Gah!  It's just a dinner ... it's just a dinner ... it's just a dinner .........

Spreading my Wings

Having trouble getting out of my head these days. Waking up multiple times each night isn't a new thing for me, but the major thoughts now causing this surely are.

I do have some big deadlines hanging over me, too, which is part of it I'm sure.  Let me get those on the table first:

• I'm creating a little SoulBook for each of the students in the classroom I visited during Reading Week and will deliver on their last day of school - this week!   https://my.bravegirlsclub.com/product/soulbook-prompts-free-downloads/
• Brave Living Certified Instructors are hosting an online 8-week Soul Restoration Reboot session that starts on Tuesday and I've signed up to be the facilitator for one of those days. I need to get started on my own rebooted Soul Restoration journal.  If interested in participating, let me know and use my link and coupon code (diannewest) to receive a 30-day free trial of Brave Girl University.   http://my.bravegirlsclub.com/overview/soul-restoration/?orid=111
• We're moving Widowed Village to a new hosting platform. http://widowedvillage.org/
• Our San Diego Camp Widow is just 52 days away.  https://www.campwidow.org/

H O W E V E R ... my waking thoughts the past few nights have not been about these unfinished deadlines but rather about me personally and this new dating adventure. I hit a birthday this week and was dreading that ever-increasing number, but I'm now feeling more like a very insecure junior high kid.

Cards pulled this morning. OK, I hear ya.

I enjoyed meeting my friend and 'new guy' Thursday evening. He's very nice and interesting and while there (for 3 hours) I didn't even think about WHY I was there and just enjoyed the conversation. That changed the moment I got in my car to head home and has not let up since.

He asked my friend for my phone number.
He asked me out to dinner (and said I was beautiful)
I accepted (with some caveats).

All sorts of emotions ... feeling scared, old, nervous, fat, excited, guilty, ugly, beautiful, wanted, insecure. Geez. And this is supposed to be a good thing?  I truly do not know if I am up for this.

He shared some health issues ... and that scared me. Those caregiving years with Vern were a precious gift I lovingly gave to him, but they were so very hard and I just don't know whether I could survive another round of that. But my work within the widowed community has given me oh-so-many stories that prove there are no guarantees when it comes to illness or death. Strong, young, healthy people get sick and die. Healthy older people get cancer and die. And when a lovely widowed friend who is living with a treatable cancer shared what it's like trying to find a new love from THAT side of things, I decided I could not let that be the reason I did not accept the invitation for a second meeting with 'new guy'.

When I first changed my mind about the dating thing, I expressed my desire to just have someone drop on my doorstep with an immediate spark and connection. Like what happened with Vern. Not very realistic, I know. There was a connection with the person who initially got me thinking about dating, but he's not interested or available so I'm quite happy to have him as a friend (who is doing a little coaching with this current situation).

So this Friday I will go on a date. The first one since 1969 when I was 18 years old.

The world has changed since then and I may not fit into the current dating scene, but I decided I must give it a try so I'd know whether to keep at it or just know that it's not for me and to pull myself out of it completely. And 'new guy' seems to understand my trepidation.

So wish me luck.  And also pray that my blood pressure remains low and I don't break out in junior high zits!

I said yes ....

It's been a really busy six weeks since I last wrote a blog post ... a lot has happened:

• Was interviewed outside the Vegas Golden Knights practice arena and ended up with an online article about me and my love for the Knights. https://lvsportsbiz.com/2018/04/09/the-accidental-golden-knights-fan-i-did-not-see-this-coming/
• Went to the two home games we played in Round 1 of the Stanley Cup playoffs. We ended up sweeping the LA Kings 4-0.
• Attended three of my local widow group meets.
• Held my 7th SoulBook Gathering in Summerlin.
• Attended the Justin Timberlake Concert at T-Mobile.
• Went to a surprise birthday party where I knew no one except the birthday gal.
• Enjoyed lunch with a new Canadian friend I met at the Tampa Camp Widow who was visiting Vegas.
• Traveled to Seattle for a beautiful wedding of a widow friend.
• Attended two of the home Golden Knights games in Round 2; we took the series by beating the San Jose Sharks 4-2.
• Spent six days at the Whatever Craft House in Newton, Kansas with 10 lovely friends.
• My story about why I love the Golden Knights was on our local CBS news station in their Our Team - Our Town segment.  https://www.facebook.com/8NewsNOW/posts/10156326758056303
• Saw Frankie Moreno's show at Cabaret Jazz at The Smith Center
• Attended the first home game against the Winnipeg Jets for the Western Conference Final tonight - we won!

Wow ... no wonder I've been so tired.  But that's not what I need to write about tonight. This has been on my mind all afternoon since I said 'yes' and I'm still wound up from our hockey game and not nearly ready to head to bed so figured I might as well write about it.

If you're a follower of my blog, you know that I had a rough January and February ... I developed some feelings that surprised me. A particular person sparked them ... someone who is not interested nor available ... but it forced me to really think about this dating thing. I waffled back and forth and I eventually took Vern's wedding band off to see how it felt. But then I said no when a friend wanted to introduce me to someone. That conversation helped me to realize that I don't want to date ... it's just not worth the effort nor the potential damage to my ego.

Fast forward to last night. I ended up having to go alone to the Frankie Moreno show. I really enjoyed those 90 minutes but the pity party was surfacing on the way there and was worse on the way back home. I was fine with being alone for 7+ years and yet now it's hard. Sometimes. Why?

And then today my friend contacted me again. This time she wanted to invite me to join her and her friend for drinks ... on my birthday evening. And I didn't say no automatically. I'm not entirely sure why. Perhaps it was because I just didn't want to spend my birthday alone. Perhaps it was because of the soul card I drew this morning.

So she kept talking and I eventually said yes. And I'm scared to death. Silly, I know. She'll be there. It's only drinks at 7. We'll just be talking. I talk to new people all the time. I want to cancel. But I won't. 

Would you like some cheese with that 'whine'?

A friend mentioned how busy I keep myself and I wanted to admit that it's really all a facade. I keep myself so busy ... too busy, actually ... just to keep the loneliness at bay. I would happily give up every activity if Vern were still here to fill up my days.

I think my body decided to tell me that I need to slow down. I very rarely get sick (good genes, I guess, because I'm sure not living a healthy lifestyle) but ever since I got home from Tampa I felt 'off' and was not at all surprised when the crud hit hard last night. Ugh. It's just a head/chest cold, but I feel miserable and whiny. Sore throat, headache, earache, heavy chest ... even my teeth hurt. And I'm sneezing so much that my ribs hurt. And no one here to hold me and tell me this will all pass. So I whine. To myself.  And, yes, I do know it will pass and I'll be back to 'normal' soon. And I also know it could be worse. Much worse. So I'll try to stop whining. It's not very attractive.

Last week was super busy and so is next week, so it's good that this hit now as I have nothing on calendar until Sunday. Sleep was hard to come by last night, so we'll see what tonight brings. (I just looked at the time and it's 1am so guess this will be another not-so-good night of sleep.) But I'll try to do some good self-care these next few days. Drink plenty of water. Eat something. Sit outside in the sunshine.

So ... back to 'normal' Dianne. (She's still in there, I promise.)  

I thought I had put this dating thing to bed ... but a friend called and wanted to set me up with someone she knows. She tried hard to sell it/him but I declined. That conversation helped me to know that I do not want to date. At least I know I don't want to do the dating a stranger thing. I think I'm open to the possibility of a friendship developing into something more, but I'm not holding my breath for that to ever happen. And that's ok. Well .. except when I don't feel well and I get all whiny. LOL

And just to add a contradiction to all that I just said ... I've been wearing rings on my left hand since Vern died. My rings. His ring. My 25 year anniversary band. It's been Vern's wedding band and a widow's ring for some time now ... and I took them off on Monday. I was headed over to visit a friend and figured it was an opportunity to see how it felt. It was ok. Not sure whether this will be permanent. It doesn't change how I feel about Vern, but seems to be something I needed to try. And as my friend said - we don't have to do anything we don't want to do.  I can always put them back on.

Ya know, this widowed life is quite the ride. I hope I get it figured out before my time runs out. But I'll try real hard to keep the whining at a minimum.

Gifts of Kindness

I just returned home after spending the past 5 days in Tampa at Camp Widow. Soaring Spirits International is celebrating its 10th anniversary this year, and this was our 20th Camp. If this Tampa Camp is any indication, 2018 is going to be a spectacular year for the Soaring Spirits family.

I attended my first Camp Widow in San Diego in August 2011, just 11 months after Vern died. I had no idea then that I would end up attending every subsequent Camp (this was #18 for me!) and that I'd be asked to join the Leadership Team. So many wonderful people I've met through the years. So many lovely memories.

It's difficult to think there can be blessings that come our way after losing our loves, but this group of women is surely a blessing that would not have happened if Vern were still here with me. I am grateful for each one of them.

We start each Camp with a team meeting where we set our intentions and share our hopes for the coming days. Grace was in abundance. And we end each Camp with another team meeting where we share our favorite moments from Camp. There are so many of those moments and it's very hard to limit ourselves to sharing just one, but this was mine:

I met Rebekah in Widowed Village in November 2015. She arrived less than a month after the tragic loss of her husband while on vacation in Bora Bora. We shared a lot of time in the Village chat room and she came to the Tampa 2016 Camp just 4 months later. Seeing her transformation at that Camp was my favorite moment that year and she gave me another favorite when she surprised me at this Camp. I heard her calling my name in the crowded ballroom and she gave me the best and longest hug ever. It filled my heart. But that wasn't all she did.

After we did our beautiful message release, the music and dancing started. I found myself out on the dance floor with some friends and then there was Jason (Rebekah's boyfriend) asking me to dance. I chuckled and said something like Rebekah must have promised you something wonderful if you would do this. And this sweet young man said 'No, I just want to dance with a beautiful woman.'  Well, my goodness, how could I possibly respond with a 'not nice to Dianne' comment? So I just said 'thank you'. We don't play slow songs at Camp - and I can't even remember what song was playing - but Jason took me in his arms and danced with me. He even twirled me a time or two.  But the best thing? He held my hand. Not just the way you do when you dance with someone ... but he intertwined his fingers with mine. Just like Vern did. I thought my heart might burst and I knew that sweet Rebekah surely must have read my blog or Facebook post about missing having my hand held. What a lovely gift of kindness those few minutes were. 

I'm sure my little moment on that dance floor might not seem like much to many of you, but it's the little things that matter, you know. Rebekah noticed. She saw me. She heard me. And she asked her guy to do something very kind for this ol' gal. I am grateful. 

What can you do to make someone's day? Are you listening? Are you noticing?  Do you really see them?

I'm beginning to think that the angst I felt during January and February was as much due to getting older as it was to being widowed and alone. I've never been one to think much about my age. I was always 'young' when Vern was around because he was 10 years older. But 66 was a hard number for me, for some reason. Perhaps because it's closer to 70 than 60?  But then, what's wrong with 70? Nothing! I took Marianne Williamson's Aging Miraculously course and truly believe that we elders have much to offer this world and the age-shaming needs to stop. But .... still ....

Anyone who has lost their person becomes keenly aware of how very short life is. Our loves were snatched away before their time (no matter how old they were) and that is our new reality. I made a real effort to find my way through the grief and to add things in my life to fill those alone hours. The clock was ticking. I kept working for five years to keep busy and started volunteering for Soaring Spirits and exploring all that Brave Girls Club had to offer. Trips to new places and art retreats and Camp Widows filled up my calendar and I figured I was ok living like this for the next 30 years. I retired three years ago and became busier than ever. Certification training, holding Soul Restoration Retreats and SoulBook Gatherings. But in the midst of all of this I've found there comes a time when just filling your days is not enough.

I've had some time to do some deep thinking about all of those feelings that surfaced during the past couple of months and I do believe that it had nothing at all to do with the person who initially sparked those feelings. He was safe, unavailable, so it made it easier to think about it all. It wasn't real. It wasn't possible. But now I'm thinking those feelings actually surfaced because the years are flying by rather quickly and the harsh reality of being alone at the end of my life suddenly became a little too hard for me to accept. Not someone to take care of me in my old age, but someone who needed me, wanted me, cherished me ... would anyone ever choose me again, like Vern did so long ago? And, alas, I no longer believe that is an option. The risk to my heart and soul for putting myself out there is just not worth it. So, yes, I guess I've gone full circle in how I feel about dating or having a new person in my life.

One of the burdens I carry is this oh-so-tender heart of mine. It helps me do some really wonderful things for others, and I am very grateful for that. Those things I will continue to do as long as I'm able. However, this tender heart is not very kind to Dianne. I get hurt often and I hide those hurts with a smile and carry on. But they sure do take a toll. For instance, someone said some hurtful things about me on FB yesterday and no one spoke up on my behalf. I'm not willing or able to enter an online battle of sharing the truth about that situation, so instead I shut down the internet and headed straight to bed the moment I got home from my SoulBook Gathering. And, yes, that brought on a sleepless night of all sorts of not-so-good thoughts like I had in January ... not loved, not good enough, ugh. If I had had alcohol in the house, I'd be nursing a pretty awful hangover today.

Instead, I'm really trying hard to fight my way back. I have never been a depressed person, but this hole just keeps following me around and I need to face it and be done with it  Once and for all. All I really want to do right now is to run away to where no one knows who I am. Yeah, exactly like how I felt right after Vern died. Only now, I could actually do it. But could I? The way I feel right now ... yes, I could ... it actually sounds rather heavenly to me.

But I know me. And I know I can't just walk away from my responsibilities, as much as I really, really want to. And I do know that I have people in my life who care. Those lovely women I spent yesterday with showed me that with their words and actions. And dear Heather gave me one of those "not letting go hugs" that I said would be so lovely in a FB post this week. She sees me.

So, what to do? Well I'm just too fragile today to think any more about this. So the first thing on today's agenda is a nap. And it's also my day to handle Widowed Village intake and run the Pen Pal Program. And I've got to finish up the Tampa Camp volunteer schedule and get all of those emails on their way, and start running off all of the reports and papers I need to take to Camp. That should pretty much fill this day, I think. I can always think about this hard stuff tomorrow.

I feel good!

"I knew that I would now"  Cue James Brown ...

I really do feel good. I feel it in how I'm carrying myself. I feel it with each step I take, with how confident I feel about meeting the obstacles that are thrown my way.  Oh I still have plenty of things to work on. My house is still a mess. And my pretty new car is still parked in the driveway because the garage is full of too much stuff. And I still need that "Be Nice to Dianne" note on my mirror.  BUT I do feel really good.

Especially when I think back to how I was feeling through most of January.  Ugh.  All of those tears. Nearly every. single. day.  Those unexpected feelings of wanting someone else in my life. I just didn't know what to do with them ... they didn't make sense. They weren't realistic. Those days sure took a huge toll on me. 

But I'm thinking now that I really needed to go through all of that. To spend time thinking about it. Feeling it.  All of it. The good AND the bad AND the super scary.  I didn't deal with a lot of my feelings during those early days of my grief. Oh, I started to ... but it was far easier to just push them aside and spend my time trying to help others. I got pretty good at deflecting the conversations from me to others ... but I don't recommend that at all. All of those feelings remain, just covered up a bit for the time being, ready to spring forward at a moment's notice.

And that's what they did. Forcing me to kind of wallow in all of it, bringing out some of the things I never dealt with. Some of the things I had covered up.  Like loneliness. And I think it was a good thing. Even though it didn't feel so good at the time.  Some hard realizations. And some unanswered questions that I'm choosing to just sit with.  Sometimes the answers just aren't ready to come.

 But through it all I really did know that I would feel good again one day. I just needed to give it some time. And this week proved just that.  It's been a really, really, really good week.

So many wonderful things happened - some surprises, some long awaited, some wonderful friendships, some lovely conversations - and they just built upon each other to fill my heart to overflowing.

I feel so very blessed to be where I am right now. Who I am right now. With the people who are in my life.  I care about them a lot ... perhaps too much.  But I don't know how to do it any other way.  Do I have too many widow friends?  Not a chance.

It's all in the Numbers

Numbers seem to be playing an important role for me during these first six weeks of the new year.

1   "One is the loneliest number that you'll ever do" - Three Dog Night

Loneliness paid an unexpected return visit. The deep missing of Vern. A concern about spending the next 30 years alone. Some feelings that surprised me.

I had become pretty happy with my alone life. Not the same happy as I would be if Vern were still by my side. But happy nonetheless.  I've added a lot of good things into my life, new friends, new experiences, new challenges that made me feel comfortable with where I was at.  And then - BAM! - none of that mattered any more and all I could see was me. alone. No one for me to care about. No one who cared about me. Forever. 

And that sent me for a loop as I dealt with the ups and downs of thinking my way through that whole 'do I want to date' thing. I'm still waffling on that and don't know that it will ever happen or whether it even should happen. But I've worked through the loneliness and I'm back to feeling good about my life right now. And as far as the dating thing ... well, I'm just going to sit with it at this point and listen for those whispers that will show me the way.

3   "Three simple rules in life: If you do not go after what you want, you'll never have it. If you do not ask, the answer will always be no. If you do not step forward, you will always be in the same place."  - Anonymous

- We were a family of three.

- Vern, Jer and I were each 33 years old when our fathers died.

- I often wake up at 3:33am.

There's that number 3.  I've written about it previously and feel those meanings really do make sense for me. 

• I am seeking what I need to know at this time in my life.
• I am feeling spiritual growth.
• I feel protected and loved by the Divine.
• I am working on living my life's mission.

Additional search on the number 333 said it was a reminder to welcome the abundance of love into my life - not just romantic love.  And I've sure felt that this week.  I've had new friends comment that they felt God put me on their path for a reason. Random strangers have made lovely comments to me. And when the gals who attended my SoulBook gathering on Saturday told me they'd come to my future events even if I move them over to my side of town ... well, that felt like love to me, too.

More on the number 333:

• is a strong signal to add more spontaneity to your life and to get out of your comfort zone
• body, mind and spirit must be balanced to reach your full potential
• carries the energy of joy and inspiration
• your prayers have been answered

9   "It's my life. It's now or never." - Bon Jovi

Well ... this particular number is more about you than me.  But it all came about because of the number 1.  Me.  Going to that hockey game Thursday night all by myself.

That may sound like a really easy thing to do for some of you, but it was very hard for me. I may act like an extrovert but I am not. And when you add in all of my personal insecurities, whoa ... doing that was HARD stuff. But oh what a reward I received!

I met Tommy, a wonderful young man who is working hard to promote his venue and he sure made my first visit to Hyde Lounge a memorable one. And then I got an even bigger reward. He offered a couple of invite only SRO (standing room only) seats in the Hyde Lounge for the Bon Jovi concert. What?! Wow!  So I jumped on that offer and posted something on my Facebook page about it. After seeing the responses, he then upped the offer to 5 pair of SRO tickets!!!  That deserves an OMG! 

And that's where the number 9 comes in.  Because I now have nine (9) tickets to give away to friends. I'll be doing the drawing on Sunday, February 18, at 3pm Pacific time.  You just need to post on my Facebook page (the post that has the Bon Jovi tour poster) that you're available to be here in Vegas on March 17 and your name will go into the drawing.  If you're not my Facebook friend and following me so you see all of my posts, I would suggest you might want to start. Because this may not be the only event I'll be able to get these SRO tickets to.   https://www.facebook.com/DianneWest.Nevada

Happy Birthday My Love

Vern would have been 77 today. I'm finding that really hard to wrap my head around. But then I'm also finding it really hard to accept that I'm 66. I don't feel anywhere close to that number, and before he got sick Vern didn't look or act his age either.  In my mind's eye we're still that young couple so in love and grateful that we had found one another.

Since my hair is short (and his sideburns long) this must be around 1975.

But I'll admit it took me awhile to be able to remember the young us. That first year especially. I could only recall those hard 4+ cancer years and how he suffered. He had such a horribly hard cancer journey. So many crises. So many unexpected issues. So much time spent in hospitals, acute care facilities, rehabs, chemo rooms and dialysis centers. Did I make the right decisions? Did I advocate enough? Did he suffer far longer than he wanted because I wasn't ready to let him go?  The woulda, shoulda, coulda's can kill you if you let them. I thank God for my Caring Bridge journal which I go back and read on the hard days. And I know deep in my soul that I gave him everything he needed. Everything I had.

This was near the beginning of the cancer journey, after a couple of surgeries and starting chemo.

And then one day the fog cleared. And I was able to focus on the nearly 37 years we had together before cancer arrived. And those years were good. Really, really good. I was able to look through old photos and remember ... and cherish ... those wonderful years.  He was my best friend. My confidante. My cheerleader. My love. Such a good, good man.

So I put those oh so hard years in their own little box. A box I still open from time to time when I must, but contained most of the time these days.

So here I am ... 7 years, 4 months, 15 days ... since Vern left.  And I am grateful. So very grateful he chose me. So very grateful that I was able to care for him when he needed me most. So very grateful we were such a strong team that his docs and nurses mentioned it every single time we were in the hospital. So very grateful he knew beyond a shadow of a doubt how very much I loved him. And so very grateful that I was able to hold him in my arms as he took his last breath.

I usually hunker down at home on these special days. Tonight, however, I will be at Frankie Moreno's show at Cabaret Jazz at The Smith Center. Vern saw Frankie at a private VIP event that he worked on the roof of the Barbary Coast before he got sick and he came home raving about this fabulously talented kid. We never got to see him perform together, but I recognized his name in a Smith Center newsletter and decided I needed to see him ... for Vern.  This will be my sixth time attending one of his shows. Vern was right. He is fabulously talented and his shows are great fun. And it seems like this will be the perfect place to celebrate my guy's birthday. I do think that Vern will be sitting at the table with me tonight ... oh heck, I'm sure he'll be standing up dancing with me, too!  Happy Birthday, my love.

His birthday in 2007; first outing since diagnosis 9 months earlier. His former Orleans Arena staff honored him
at a Wranglers game and the team gave him a Wrangers jersey with his name on it.

Destiny ... How I Soar

The magical way Vern and I found one another has always made me believe it was divine guidance that brought us together. He chose me. Me? Yes, me! That just turned 18 year old kid who knew deep down inside her that life had more in store than what she could see. But she was too afraid to take a chance and came so very, very close to settling for something that would have been such a huge mistake.

Oh, the summer of ’69. One little change of course. Not so little actually.

That senior trip to NYC and an important conversation with my friend Kenny changed the path of my future. I arrived home, broke up with my fiancé (yeah, I was engaged during my senior year), applied to college and thought I knew where I was headed.

Two weeks later Vern and I were both at a graduation party and there was a spark. Just a tiny little, very unexpected, one. He was my teacher. But I was no longer his student. A first date and that spark burst into flames. And 11 weeks later we married. It was destiny. I knew that without a doubt we were meant to be together.

Vern’s cancer years were hard. So very hard. On him. And on me. But it was during those oh so difficult years that I realized just how important my “little change of course” had been. I was meant to be the one to care for him, to love him, until his very last breath.

Destiny. Purpose.

I thought my life ended when Vern died. I could not see a future without him. And then Soaring Spirits came along.  It has filled my lonely days with hope, friendship, laughter, love, gratefulness, connections, a sense of worth, a yearning to live this life and find my purpose. 

Widowed Village:  When I was seeking an online community those first weeks after Vern died - and was turned away by the first group I approached because I was over their 55 year age limit - "Supa Dupa Fresh Widow" Robin Moore Lasky reached out and brought me into the Village during beta testing. This online community became my lifeline, and many of the people I met there became lifelong friends.  I entered the Village on January 31, 2011 and have never left. I started volunteering early on with intake and as a group greeter and now serve as the site administrator. I love my Village.  

http://widowedvillage.org/

Camp Widow:  I attended my first Camp Widow in San Diego in August 2011, ten days before my first wedding anniversary without Vern and six weeks before the first anniversary of his death. The keynote, the workshops, meeting many of my online friends in person ... what an amazing gift. Those few days allowed me to express my grief and meet it head on instead of hiding it away. I've attended each Camp Widow since that first one as a volunteer, starting off as a room monitor, then helping with registration, and now serving as National Volunteer Coordinator and a member of the Camp Widow Leadership Team.  http://www.campwidow.org/

Regional Social Groups:  I got involved with the new Regional Group program as the behind the scenes volunteer when it began in 2013 and became the Regional Group Coordinator in 2014, managing our now 40+ regional groups across the US and Canada. These groups bring a little bit of Camp to our local communities by connecting people in person. And they actually save lives. I know that for sure. I started a Las Vegas group in October 2014 and the blessings I have received from those friendships and connections cannot even be measured. They are cherished. 

http://www.soaringspirits.org/regional-social-events

So, to answer Michele’s question of how Soaring Spirits has impacted my life?

Soaring Spirits’ programs helped me to find my purpose during this ‘second season’ of my life.

I learned that I have a servant’s heart. I need to help others. I need to make a difference. And I need to honor the life I had with Vern.

My involvement with these important Soaring Spirits programs has allowed me to do just that. And I am so very grateful. And if I should happen to find that a new love awaits me in this final season, then I will have Soaring Spirits to thank for that, too.

Love Sonnet LXXXIX by Pablo Neruda

How I Soar

Michele Neff Hernandez, my friend and the amazing woman who created Soaring Spirits International, has asked us to contribute to a project to celebrate the ten year anniversary of Soaring Spirits. Using #howisoar, she is soliciting paragraphs about how Soaring Spirits has impacted our life.

How could I possibly answer that question in just a ten sentence paragraph?  But this one experience kept popping into my head, so I decided that was what I would write about.  Here's the paragraph and photo I submitted:

My husband’s death left me living on my own for the very first time in my life at age 59.  Joining Widowed Village and attending Camp Widow during that first year gave me a community that has provided inspiration and supported my growth. They gave me hope that I could find a way to live this new life in a way that would honor Vern. I am volunteering. I am doing daily acts of kindness. I am teaching soul work and holding retreats. And since hiking in a rain forest had been on our bucket list, I decided to head to Costa Rica on my own. I snorkeled for the first time and hiked through the Monte Verde cloud forest, crossing eight hanging bridges high up in the canopy. I even held a red-eyed green tree frog in my hands on my 64th birthday surrounded by new friends I had just met. Thank you, Soaring Spirits, for giving me my wings. #howisoar

This trip was truly monumental.

• I had just retired and knew I had to force myself to schedule activities so I wouldn't just spend all of my days 'cocooning' inside my house.
• I learned I could travel alone ... even to a foreign country! 
• It's ok to go someplace where you don't know anyone. There are wonderfully kind people everywhere.
• Snorkeling?  I don't even know how to swim!  But I did it!
• I have a fear of bridges ... and here I was standing several hundred feet in the air on a bridge strung between trees.
• Vern loved the movie 'Avatar' and some of his last words to me in hospice were "I see you". Being high up in the forest canopy made me feel Vern was standing there right alongside me.

Yes, Soaring Spirits definitely gave me my wings. And I am so very grateful. 

What a difference a day makes ...

... well a few days actually. 

And today was a really fabulous day.

I finally feel like I'm back to being me, whatever that is. All of those unexpected feelings are no longer weighing me down. I feel good. I feel positive. I feel enough. Whew. Finally.  That God Box really works!   Help, Thanks, Wow

So what made my day fabulous?

Well it started at 3:33am.  That's the time that I so often wake up. I'll roll over and pick up my phone (yeah, I know it should not be right next to me) and I smile when I see 3:33.  It always feels like a little hello from my guy. 

Seconds later I received a text from a friend informing me they were having a rough night and wouldn't be at our widow group meet today. They were surprised when I responded moments later. So we texted for about an hour and I think it helped them to be able to get a little sleep and actually attend our group meet after all. Some divine guidance that I was awake to respond, I think.

There were last-minute cancellations and several no-shows for our widow group gathering on this cloudy, chilly morning - but it was a really wonderful meet. These are such lovely people who have experienced the worse life can hand them, and it fills my heart that we've found each other and are able to help one another figure out this new life. We did receive quite a few stares, however, as our laughter grew loud and the other guests glanced at the sign I place on the table that declares us as the Desert Widows and Widowers. A little education for the masses perhaps about what widowed people actually look like and how they behave.

I was driving as the sun was setting tonight and it was just spectacular. I was so filled with the beauty of this sunset that instead of going to my destination I headed west to try to get to a spot where I could capture it in a photo.

Alas, the sun was setting faster than I could get far enough west, so I snapped a couple of photos from the car that really do not do it justice. The beauty just filled my soul.

And then there was music. Two songs touched my soul today. One I had seen several times before but somehow brings me to tears each time. It showed up on a friend's Facebook page today.

Heart's performance of  Led Zeppelin's 'Stairway to Heaven'

And the other song I had never heard before. Some of the words caught my attention as I was driving:  there'll be bad days and some hard times ... you are the memory that won't ever lapse ...your loves the one love that I need to know ... my body will fail but my soul will go on ... so don't you get lonely I'm right where you are.  WOW

Goo Goo Dolls - 'Boxes'

So as I was writing this, I decided to use my pal Google to see if the numbers 333 mean anything:

• There's something important you need to know at this time of your life
• You are on a path of spiritual growth
• You are surrounded, protected, loved, and guided by the divine
• It is time to expand the natural gifts you were born with to create something very special and live your life's mission

Well, my goodness ... I think that deserves a great big WOW.

I'm not really sure what my intent was for this blog post. I just felt I needed to capture how each of these little things created such an amazing day. Just because I noticed them.  How often do we go about our days without noticing all of the special little moments that can fill our heart and soul? It would have been a real shame to have missed out on this truly fabulous day.

The "D" Word

Well that "Be Nice to Dianne" note on my mirror is working. It hasn't entirely stopped the negative self-talk, but I'm giving myself a little verbal scolding when those ugly thoughts arrive, which often is followed by a little chuckle at what I must sound like when I'm in front of that mirror. Ah, the life of a woman living alone.

I've done lots of sharing in Widowed Village these past few days. I don't do that very often. Again, way way outside of my comfort zone, but it's been good to be open and honest and has actually helped me to work through some of this stuff. Come to find out I'm not the only one experiencing these feelings and not knowing how best to deal with them. Who knew?  And an extra special bonus to me being vulnerable in there is that a couple of my favorite people returned to the Village to respond and I was able to catch up with what's happening in their lives. I love the Village.

OK ... I guess I might as well spill a few of the beans about what these feelings are that have caught me so off-guard lately and sent me into a tailspin.  It's that word I never ever expected to say for myself ... d a t i n g ... eek!  Yes, I'll admit it.  It's me, the one who has stood on the soapbox for all widowed people who do not want to ever date or remarry.  Hear me roar.  Well, just to be clear, I will always stand on that soapbox, regardless of how this all turns out.

No, I haven't started dating. And, no, I'm not joining a match site. And, no, please do not try to set me up.  And, no, I'm really not ready to say yes to the stress.  But these totally unexpected feelings about all of this have shown up making me think I just might be open to it. Might be. Maybe. Someday. And that's been a real shocker for me.

This stuff is scary, folks. I have never dated as an adult. Nope, never. I married at 18 right out of high school, and really did not date much during my teen years. Vern is the only man I've ever been with.  I have real, serious issues with my physical self now that Vern is gone (reference my 'Be Nice to Dianne' note). My caregiving years were extremely hard and I don't know if I can handle the chance of having to go through that again.  I don't think my tender heart can survive rejection.

So as I said last night in the Village ...

That was easier.  More comfortable. And I may just do that. So please don't try to convince me that I need to do this ... that I must do this.  I'm working my way through all of these issues and feelings and insecurities and I'm in a good place with them right now. I won't let myself get swooped back down the rabbit hole that occurred last week. 

Because I'm using my God Box.  The physical act of writing out what was weighing heavy on my heart and putting it into that little box for God to handle for me has made a difference. A remarkable difference.

And as my old Village friends who returned with news of their own change of heart and new loves shared with me ... God ... fate ... the universe ... can have a hand in how this all turns out. I don't need to DO anything. I can just continue to live my life as I have been doing and let serendipity come to play if it is meant to.  Just as it did during that amazing summer of 1969. 

Help, Thanks, Wow

Well this has been quite the week. One thing after another just bringing me down ... layer upon layer ... questioning my worth, beating myself up, feeling unloved, not good enough, so alone. Ugh. And then to top it all off, yesterday I had a really nasty gall bladder attack. Really, really hard to have no one around who cares about you when you're not feeling well. OK. What the heck is going on? This is NOT who I am. Help!

So I was forced to do a little self-care. After the pain and nausea settled I climbed into bed with my Lularoes, socks and a sweatshirt, piled on a blanket and afghan cuz I was freezing and just did jigsaw puzzles on my phone. Total waste of time. But was it?  I don't think so.

Because while doing the mindless puzzles, my head was still buzzing and I gave myself a good talking to. I even posted a little something in Widowed Village that was way outside my comfort zone. And when I woke up this morning, the first thought I had was to get up and go for a walk. Thank you, God.  Now that is definitely not my normal waking thought. Wow!

So I put on my 'I am a Brave Girl' sweatshirt and headed out the door (should have put on gloves, too, because it was 40 degrees ... I know, I know .... no need for comments).

And it felt so good. The sun was shining (posted a pic on Instagram) and breathing in the cool, fresh air was invigorating. What a change in my outlook.

During my trek I came across a large group of high schoolers waiting for the bus. Interesting to note that not one of them was smiling and they were not talking to one another at all, just looking at their phones, of course. So I slowed my walk as I approached. And I caught the eye of one who happened to look up. "Good morning!", I said.  And she smiled back at me. And then another one looked up. And I caught his eyes and said "Good morning". Wow!  This felt kinda good.  And as I turned the corner, more kids were heading to the bus stop so I greeted each of them with a "Good morning!" 

The initial surprise on some of their faces (that a stranger would greet them with a smile) saddened me. Perhaps they'll have a better day because of my two little words. Perhaps they'll smile and say "Good morning" to a lonely fellow student today.  I think I may need to plan my walk for this same time again next week.

So when I got home I decided to do something else to take on one of my bigger issues.

The mirror is not my friend. (I have had that issue for as long as I can remember.)  A dear friend had suggested I put a note to myself on my mirror.  (Thank you, Linda.)  So that's what I did.  I'll let you know if it works.

My God Box

Today has been a rough day. Well, actually it started yesterday with some random thoughts that took root in my brain and then just started to grow into all sorts of not-so-good things. And then a big ol' issue hit me upside the head last night.

And the gray skies and rain for two days has not helped at all. I know everyone back East finds that rather ridiculous. Heck, I spent my first 31 years in Michigan so I do know that just two days of gray skies and rain would be a blessing. But we desert dwellers are used to our nearly 300 days of sunshine and it really does make a difference when we have more than one gray, rainy day in a row.  Especially when our feelings are bubbling right at the surface. 

I can't share the specifics of the issues that took me down the rabbit hole today. One is not my story to tell. And the other ... ah, well, it is mine but my heart is so very tender and I'm just not able to share these feelings that have been whirling around inside my head and heart.

And that is a big part of the problem.

There is no one to share these feelings with.

One is something that Vern and I would have handled together and the other ... well it would not exist if he were still here.

And ya know ... he should still be here.  But he isn't. And I. am. alone.

Now I know I have friends who would listen ... but ... I also know I would get advice on both issues that I cannot possibly follow. So today was a day to just feel it all. I don't cry all that often any more, so maybe I just needed an empty the bucket day.

And that's ok.  Even at seven years out.

I took a break from the computer and finished reading a book I had started a few years ago ... "Help, Thanks, Wow - The Three Essential Prayers" by Anne Lamott (thanks for the reminder, Susan). It  helped me shed a bunch more tears and I highlighted a whole lot of passages in the book. Here's one:

"It unfolds, and you experience it, and it is so horrible and endless that you could almost give up a dozen times. But grace can be the experience of a second wind, when even though what you want is clarity and resolution, what you get is stamina and poignancy and the strength to hang on."

And I've created my own little God box that was noted in the book. It's a place to physically give God the things you've been wrestling with or can't seem to let go of.  The act of writing it down and placing it in that box says, "It's yours now, God. Help."  My issues are now in my God box and I await the answers.

And tomorrow? Ah, yes!  The sun will be shining once again.

So long 2017 ... Hello 2018

I can be my own very worst critic.

Oh, I acknowledge that I do some really good things almost daily ... for other people. But I fail miserably at doing things - for me - that really should be done.  I'm a 5 Star Procrastinator, and that's an award no one should ever aspire to receive.

But things are looking up!  I finally started tackling tasks that have needed to be done for a long while. And it feels pretty darn good. 

My old 2003 CRV had been telling me for awhile that it was time to trade it in, as one thing after another kept needing repair. But I was so fearful of having to buy a new car *all by myself* that I kept putting it off.  That was silly, I know. Gosh, all I have to do is recall the hundreds of really big things I did while Vern was sick to know I can do the hard stuff *all by myself*.

So one day I just did it and it wasn't so bad after all!  I love my new car, and as a bit of serendipity, I sold Vern's 2003 Mustang ... to the salesman who sold me my new car!  That action got me going on other things ... cleaning out cupboards and closets, organizing, decluttering.

So now it's the beginning of a brand new year and time for me to select my 'word' for the year. I don't think I did one for 2017 - at least I can't find any reference to it. But 2017 was quite a year: 

• Started up my little Tending Your Heart and Soul business, holding two Soul Restoration retreats in Folly Beach, SC and one here in Las Vegas, and three SoulBook Gatherings locally. 
• Attended Camp Widows in Tampa, San Diego and Toronto as the volunteer coordinator.  
• Traveled to Boise for the Brave Girl Symposium followed by a trip to California to meet up with some other certified instructors. 
• Made my first ever trip to Texas for the dedication of the Soaring Spirits Resilience Center at Schreiner University, where Vern's name is displayed as one of the founding donors. 
• Had an unexpected trip to Maui with Jer over Thanksgiving (thanks to a a friend of his offering us free rooms at his timeshare).

And that was just the travel!   

My heart is very dedicated to the widowed community, so I spend time daily volunteering in Widowed Village and with our regional social groups. I also managed to squeeze in some time to visit The Smith Center for their wonderful Broadway series, to catch shows by my favorite local singer Frankie Moreno, and to have breakfasts/lunches with friends.  

No wonder my house is a mess!  

It was a full and satisfying year, but admittedly far busier than I expected - or wanted - to be in retirement.  I learned a lot about what I like to do and what I don't like to do ... and where my heart is drawn to put my energy and resources.  Especially at age 66.  And I also realized that I desperately need to dedicate some time to ME.

So my word for 2018 is ...

renew

1: to make like new : restore to freshness, vigor, or perfection 

2: to make new spiritually : regenerate

3  a : to restore to existence : revive

    b : to make extensive changes in : rebuild

4: to do again : repeat

5: to begin again : resume

6: replace, replenish 

I can't continue spending like I did last year if I expect to live comfortably into my 90s. And since I learned that I really do not like the 'business' side of soul work - the charging fees, the marketing, getting people to sign up - I've decided to not hold any retreats this year. I lost a considerable amount of money because my fees didn't come close to covering retreat costs and I don't think I can change that part of me. I will always want to do more, give more, to those who need these lessons. So I've scratched retreats off my list for this year. I'm hoping to be able to continue offering the free local gatherings. I have lots of artsy 'stuff' to share and feel it's so important to do creative things with our hands while we get to know other like-minded people. So stay tuned on that.

But for now ... let the self-care work begin.