New Blogs

This blog was such an important part of my life after Vern died. Those first couple of years I posted a lot and it was really very helpful in working through my grief. And I must admit I do like having this 'diary' of sorts to look back at from time to time.

As I started doing more things and finding my way, my posts dwindled and then I met Jim.

I considered writing about my new life with Jim in here, but it didn't feel right. This blog was about Vern. So I created a new blog that I thought I would use. But I didn't. Jim got sick. Caregiving took over. 

And now Jim is gone. His last six months were really hard. Lots of doctor and ER visits and a final hospital stay. They discharged him at 6pm Wednesday and on Friday at 6am I found he had passed while we slept. 

It's been a hard nearly 10 months. Being the second wife brought a whole lot of issues I did not expect. But I did get a yearning to start writing again.

And then I received a call from Michele Neff Hernandez, CEO & Founder of Soaring Spirits International (the nonprofit organization where I volunteered for ten years) and she mentioned she had an opening on the Widow's Voice blog that she wanted me to think about whether I'd like to do that. I immediately said yes and two months after Jim's passing, I joined the Widow's Voice team. 

So if any of my old followers are still out there, you can find me here:

Widow's Voice - I'm the Tuesday blogger

https://widowsvoice.com/blog/

An Old Widow's Musings - for widow stuff and life stuff, along with sharing ideas for kindness, gratitude, compassion and whatever crosses my path

https://anoldwidowsmusings.blogspot.com/

 

I'm ready for you 2022

I haven't written here for nearly two years. Wow. This blog was such an important part of my life after Vern's death. It helped me immensely to write about all I was feeling and experiencing, but it also helped that my words could possibly help others on their grief journey. I've been living my new life with Jim during these crazy pandemic years and writing just didn't make it onto my 'to do' list. 2019 was a very full year for Jim & I and yet I didn't write anything in my blog. I think it probably was because I wasn't sure how my new life would be received by my widowed followers.

But last month I saw a post on Facebook of the Top 60 Widow Blogs and my blog was actually mentioned. Sure was surprised at that but it did make me think maybe it was time to start writing again. So today is a start. Not sure where it will lead. I may change the name ... or perhaps just start a new blog. I do think I'll keep this old blog so I can read back from time to time - and I also think newly widowed people may get some reassurance that they aren't alone in all they are feeling and experiencing by starting at the beginning of my blog. We'll see how that all works out.

I've selected a Word of the Year since 2012 but I completely missed 2021. No record that I even contemplated a word. I'm thinking perhaps 'Pause' would have been a good word for this past year. We thought things were going to return to 'normal' after 2020 and yet they didn't. Hockey was on hold and then it came back in bits and pieces. Travel was difficult and best to put off to another time. It was a year for some reflection as I hit 70 and it also was the year Jim & I got married! Yes, the same gal who was so adamant that she would never ever date or re-partner is now married. And very happy.

So this is my word for 2022 ... 

I used the Dayspring quiz again (https://www.dayspring.com/yourwordquiz#/home). It's Christian-based, so it may not be for everyone, but it's worked quite well for me each year that I've used it. You answer some questions and it gives you a word. When I looked up the definition of fulfilled it felt like a most perfect word for me this year. I look forward to feeling AND providing happiness and satisfaction this year ... and to writing about all of the things this year will hold.

If you're interested in picking your own Word of the Year, here's some links that may be helpful:

• https://www.aarp.org/home-family/your-home/info-2021/picking-a-word-of-the-year.html
• https://www.midliferambler.com/word-for-the-year/
• http://yourwordoftheyear.com/share
• https://www.susannahconway.com/word/

What's Your Word?

My word for 2019 was DELIGHT ... and last year surely was a delightful year!

I held a Soul Restoration Retreat in Las Vegas in January and then we did some traveling ... a spectacular three weeks in Okinawa, RV traveling to ghost towns and parts of Nevada I've not seen in my 37 years of living here, trips to Tampa, San Diego & Toronto for our Camp Widow weekends, off to Indiana, Michigan & Minnesota to visit friends and family and to attend my 50th (!) high school reunion & meet Jim's siblings, an RV stay near beautiful Lake Tahoe with a side trip to Vallejo & Napa where I met one of Jim's sons & family, to Incline Village for an amazing Soul Chick retreat and lots and lots of Vegas Golden Knights hockey fun. Wow!

So here it is late January and I hadn't decided on my Word for 2020. I took the DaySpring quiz again and it gave me GATHER. I immediately thought 'no' that can't possibly be my word since I'm no longer hosting Soul Restoration retreats or Soul Book gatherings. Then I considered GRATITUDE and it felt right. I am grateful, so very grateful, for the life I'm living right now.  But I still kept waffling between those two words ... until now.

This quote make me feel like GATHER is actually the perfect word for me.

1. 
   

Making Peace

My sister died this week. She had some health issues, but her passing was unexpected.

Shirley was 8 years older than me. In our younger years I was often the bane of her existence when  I tattled things to her boyfriends as they waited for her to get ready for a date. Luckily, she forgave me for that and she became my confidante. She & Dick married when I was 10 and I loved spending time at their home. Scary movies. Bouncing ball competitions. Board games. Sleep-overs with friends. Vern proposed to me in their living room. She was my matron of honor and Jer's extra special Auntie. She & Dick greeted hundreds of people each holiday season when they opened the doors to the big pole barn next to their house filled with beautiful Christmas village displays. She wouldn't fly, so when we moved to Nevada in 1982 I only saw her when we came back to Michigan to visit once a year.

Shirl was a devout Christian, so I am confident that she greeted her moment of passing with a joy to be going home to Heaven. But her husband of 58 years will miss her deeply, as will I and my two remaining siblings, and so many others who loved her. The death of someone close can make us acutely aware of our own mortality. I felt that after Vern died and I'm feeling it again now. It's been a tough 14 months. My sister, Bev, died in November 2018. My brother, Dick, died last month. And now Shirl.

So how should we go about living our life? Do we live as if we'll live forever?  Or do we live each day as if it were our last? Haruki Murakami said, "Death is not the opposite of life, but a part of it." Maybe making peace with death is the best option. Take away the anticipation, the fear, the ending and just acknowledge that death is a part of this life we've been given and we need to live our best life each and every day. It's a lofty goal. And one I'm going to try hard to meet.

Delight

I had planned to do an end of the year post ... with all that happened last year my 2018 surely deserved that. But it didn't happen. So I decided I would do a New Year's post. Oops. How did it get to be the third week in January? This gal who used to spend most all of her time online has missed birthdays and special events and writing in my blog. Why?

Because I'm living my life. And it's good. Very good.

I started choosing "Words of the Year" in 2012 (Brave, Believe, Hope, Joy, Simplify, Grace, Renew) and they've each served me well.  Oh - except for my 2016 word. That was a total fail.

But anyways ... I needed to come up with a word for 2019 and nothing was jumping out at me. I could have used Simplify again because that IS going to happen this year, but it didn't feel like it was the right word for me.  So I took a little quiz on DaySpring.com and it gave me the word DELIGHT.  I've sat with it for a bit and it feels rather perfect.

Delight:  Something or someone that gives great pleasure, satisfaction or happiness.

I have something ... and someone ... giving me just that. So DELIGHT, it is!

So ... 2018.  My goodness, what a year that was. I've read back through my blog and it actually feels like it was longer ago than just last year. I think it was the hardest year I've had since that first year after Vern died. I had to stop hiding my true feelings behind the facade I had created.

I was so very sure I would never date or find a second love. So when those unexpected feelings about dating surfaced there was a whole lot of stuff to work through. Heavy stuff. Hard stuff. And so many emotions. I sure bounced back and forth enough on that topic, but through it all I believed I was being guided.

By God.  By Vern.  By the Universe.

💖 to make the right choices

💖 to learn the hard lessons

💖 to open my heart to all of the possibilities

I am so very grateful that Jim entered my life and has added laughter, adventure and unexpected love. I had forgotten just how lovely it is to simply sit together watching tv, holding hands or even to cook and clean with someone you care about. And to be able to talk about anything and everything. The simple things. Living life. 

But this wonderful change has had its challenges. I had a very busy and active life going on before this. I put in a lot of volunteer hours each week within the Soaring Spirits widowed community, coordinating our Regional Group program, running the Widowed Pen Pal Program, spending time daily in Widowed Village, gathering volunteers for each of our Camp Widow weekends. And I'm a certified instructor for Brave Living's Soul Restoration curriculum and hold retreats and gatherings. Add in our 3 local Soaring Spirits regional group meetings each month and the friends that I meet regularly for breakfast or lunch and my days have always been packed. I purposefully did all of this to keep the loneliness at bay and it worked quite well for me all of these years.

But now ... well now I want to have time to do things with Jim.  New things. Travel. And that means many of these other things that have filled up my life are going to have to go.

But how do I decide what stays and what goes? I love all of the volunteer work that I do. And it's important work. But I'm not doing it as well as I have for the past many years. It's time for me to step away from some of it so others can have the opportunity to give back to the widowed community that 'saved' them, too.

And I have loved holding my Soul Restoration Retreats where I get to teach this powerful course. Giving women a few days of respite from all that their lives hold while providing them with these important tools is a wonderful thing. When I expected I would always be alone, doing this work felt like it was the answer ... it was what I was supposed to be doing during this final season of my life. So I scheduled two retreats for the first quarter of 2019 and rented two houses, and had plans to return to that wonderful house in Folly Beach for another retreat in the fall.

But I haven't received anywhere near the response I need to cover those house rentals, the curriculum materials, gifts and art supplies I've already purchased. Friends who said they would definitely be coming have backed out because of illness, other priorities, unexpected expenses. I get it.

So we'll have an intimate retreat this week here in Henderson. I'm spending these days preparing name tags, creating special surprises, printing support materials, gathering decorations and pillows and throws, planning the menu, and a ton of other things.  And I'll love every minute I spend with these four women who are giving themselves this truly special gift. We will learn and grow and make new friends, and share laughter and tears and some really good stuff.

And next week at this time I'll know exactly what I need to do.