Friday, November 18, 2011

I don't need no stinkin' goals ... do I?

Nearly a month has passed since I said I was going to set those goals and get busy accomplishing things (well, actually, I think I originally stated that 2 months ago).  I'm a bit ashamed to admit I've not really done much with them. Oh I have excuses ... I'm still doing two jobs at work, I'm still missing Vern, I'm tired, I'm not eating or sleeping as I should.  But ... the fact is, I guess I'm just not ready to tackle all of those 'I need to do' things in the manner I originally planned.

Last Friday, my widow breakfast buddy, Linda, and I each stated one thing we were going to accomplish this week. Mine was to dust my floors and finally send those dust bunny families packing. Yes, it's rather embarrassing to admit that I'm still not cleaning the house much at all. I wouldn't answer the door even if someone did stop by (which hasn't happened by the way). So when I came home from our breakfast I took care of those bunnies right away. It felt good! So good that I did one more thing on my list right away. Yeah!  So I'm trying to just take this in small bites. No pressure to finish the entire list by a set date. It will all get done in due time.

One thing I think will help get me moving is I'm interviewing for a new job on Tuesday ... it's for the extra job I've been doing for the last 2+ months. While I've changed job responsibilities within my company over the years, I haven't had a formal job interview since 1992 and must admit I'm a bit nervous about that. Just a few months ago I was thinking about retiring. I was getting pretty comfortable with the idea for awhile there. But then I took a good look at my life and realized that I was just not ready for that. I can say that I would use that extra time to do all of the things I've wanted to do for so long, to travel and read and create ... but the fact is I'm still spending most all of my weekends inside my house on the computer. I don't want to become that crazy old widow lady who never ventures outside except to pick up the mail.

So going to work is good for me at this point - it's a lifeline, a place where I can push all of the sadness and loneliness and fears into the corner and be somebody I like, be who I really want to be.  I think I need this new job ... for my healing. Vern is no longer here to make me feel like I matter.  But this new job makes me feel valued - I love being asked my opinion and actually listened to, being truly appreciated. It feels really, really good and I think will have a positive impact on my personal life.  So wish me luck on Tuesday; he's making the decision Wednesday morning ... just in time for a real THANKSgiving for me. Hey - it may even help me tackle that list a little faster, too!


Sunday, November 6, 2011

I See You ....

I'm feeling on the edge lately. Not "on edge", but on the edge, on a precipice  ... like I'm teetering between my old life and a new one. I don't think I know yet who this "new" Dianne is, not really sure I want to get to know her fully just yet, but I'm seeing glimpses of her each day.

But change can be hard for a widow.  I'm a bit afraid to leave any part of my old life behind ... the life I shared with Vern. That's where my memories reside. It is precious and I don't want to lose one moment of it.  So I need to figure out how I can move into a new life while still being able to honor and treasure my past. I need to find a way to carry the person I am at work into my private life, so that I'm no longer two different people.  There's a potential change coming at work and I believe that will help me move into this new phase of my life. I think I'm ready for it, and then - perhaps - the other changes I need to make will follow more easily.

Whether you're an Oprah fan or not, her new Lifeclass series provides some really good food for thought and I recommend them. And for my widow friends out there - some of these classes have really hit me hard, making me think about my life and how I'm handling my loss. There was one where the class focused on the "I see you" statement from the movie, Avatar. Vern loved that movie, and those words were some of the last he spoke in hospice. I didn't get the connection at the time. He said, "I see you" and I responded with a smile and a kiss, saying "I see you, too, sweetie" but when I've heard them since then I am reduced to tears. I can hear him saying those words and I can now feel what he was actually saying to me. He was acknowledging who I am as a person, what our life together meant, the fact that I was there for him through those difficult days, weeks, years. He was validating who I am with those 3 little words when he was unable to speak further. And that was the message behind the Lifeclass ... how wonderful it would be if we took the time to stop and truly acknowledge each person who crosses our path, to acknowledge their "Being", who they are, what they bring to our relationship. It's something to strive for.