And the gray skies and rain for two days has not helped at all. I know everyone back East finds that rather ridiculous. Heck, I spent my first 31 years in Michigan so I do know that just two days of gray skies and rain would be a blessing. But we desert dwellers are used to our nearly 300 days of sunshine and it really does make a difference when we have more than one gray, rainy day in a row. Especially when our feelings are bubbling right at the surface.
I can't share the specifics of the issues that took me down the rabbit hole today. One is not my story to tell. And the other ... ah, well, it is mine but my heart is so very tender and I'm just not able to share these feelings that have been whirling around inside my head and heart.
And that is a big part of the problem.
There is no one to share these feelings with.
One is something that Vern and I would have handled together and the other ... well it would not exist if he were still here.
And ya know ... he should still be here. But he isn't. And I. am. alone.
Now I know I have friends who would listen ... but ... I also know I would get advice on both issues that I cannot possibly follow. So today was a day to just feel it all. I don't cry all that often any more, so maybe I just needed an empty the bucket day.
And that's ok. Even at seven years out.
I took a break from the computer and finished reading a book I had started a few years ago ... "Help, Thanks, Wow - The Three Essential Prayers" by Anne Lamott (thanks for the reminder, Susan). It helped me shed a bunch more tears and I highlighted a whole lot of passages in the book. Here's one:
"It unfolds, and you experience it, and it is so horrible and endless that you could almost give up a dozen times. But grace can be the experience of a second wind, when even though what you want is clarity and resolution, what you get is stamina and poignancy and the strength to hang on."And I've created my own little God box that was noted in the book. It's a place to physically give God the things you've been wrestling with or can't seem to let go of. The act of writing it down and placing it in that box says, "It's yours now, God. Help." My issues are now in my God box and I await the answers.
And tomorrow? Ah, yes! The sun will be shining once again.
5 comments:
We should expect these days even at seven years out but we never do. Sometimes you just awake to this terrible loss we feel and also to how unjust it all was. I hate the dull dank days of Winter, especially when the heavens cry. A special tune, a much loved song all bring back these poignant memories of them. I swear I still smell him some days...Now when these feelings arrive I try hard to embrace them, almost like he is trying to remind me he is still there. I still occasionally post photos of him on social media as I cannot bear the thought that he may be forgotten, as if!
Blessings and joy are wish for you. Xx
I'm sending you hugs. Love you.
Sending love, light and understanding. I have been thinking that on Jan, 22nd it will be 17 years......watching and listening to you always makes me feel better. thank you
Love to you, as you release and continue your trek. Godspeed.
Sending you hugs and prayers.
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