My Brave Girl Adventure

As mentioned in yesterday's post, I recently spent 12 days in Idaho for some amazing Brave Girl training. Beautiful location, beautiful women, beautiful souls.

I honestly don't have the words to convey all that I received from my time in the mountains. Unconditional love, for sure. But so much more. Women supporting and encouraging one another. No comparisons. No judgment. No gossip. No complaints. Just lovely women openly sharing their talents, their knowledge, their hearts, their stories. What a precious gift.

The Brave Girl University (BGU) Teacher Retreat took place first. I was rather intimidated going in because these women are already well known for their work and have existing classes and websites. But it didn't take very long for me to be able to put away my "less than" feelings. Serendipitous moments. Kind comments spoken just when I needed them. Offers to help me where I'm struggling. And then there's Melody and Kathy and each member of the Brave Girl team. I know that my life would be very different if I hadn't found them back in July 2012. I am forever grateful.

I'm now working on a BGU class that I would never have thought to do if I hadn't been at this retreat. Lynette listened to my story and immediately said I should prepare a class on it. Of course, I pushed back - but she didn't budge. She recognized that I'm willing to do things for others that I won't do for myself and used that insight to convince me that there are others out there who need to hear this and learn that they are not alone in their struggles. So I will share my little secret and work alongside my students as we each climb our mountain.

While the retreat had a more laid-back schedule, the Soul Restoration Certification Training was very intense. So much really important material to get through, so we started early and finished up late each day.  This course has already changed so many lives and I'm honored to be entrusted to teach it. I'm not sure yet how or where I'll be sharing this course ... whether in women's or teen shelters, a 6-week long weekly class or at a retreat. Lots to figure out with business licenses and insurance and possible venues. Not to mention coming up with a name for my business. I'm working on it and believe that the answers will come.

On that final evening at the lodge in McCall, after all of the hard work had been completed, we stepped outside to view the night sky in all its glory. So breathtakingly beautiful. Countless stars in the dark night. And then we found ourselves in a circle in the middle of the road, embracing one another and softly singing "this little light of mine".  No photo could have captured the exquisite beauty, peace and sisterhood of that precious moment that will forever remain in my heart.

Would you like to learn more about all things Brave Girls? Just ask me and I'd love to share - or click on the links below:

• Brave Girl Symposium?  Click HERE
• Brave Girl University (BGU)?   Click HERE
• 30-day FREE trial for BGU?  Click HERE & use my coupon code:  diannewest
• Sign up for Daily Truth emails?  Click HERE

Brave Girl Symposium July 6-8

I recently spent 12 days in McCall, Idaho for the Brave Girl University teacher retreat, followed by their Soul Restoration certification training session.  I cannot emphasize enough how amazing it was to be in the company of all those Brave Girls.  Powerful. Life-Affirming. Supportive.

Can you just imagine what it will be like to be surrounded by HUNDREDS of Brave Girls? Wow!

You don't need to imagine it ... you can live it ... July 6-8 ... by attending the very first Brave Girl Symposium in Boise, Idaho.  I'll be there - and I'd sure love to have you join me.

Click  HERE  to see the preliminary Symposium schedule and all the details. Hope I'll see you there.

You need a death certificate for that? Really?!?

I donate blood regularly. I have for many years, but I especially understand the importance after the many, many, many times my Vern needed transfusions to stay alive. So I headed off to Sunset Station this morning for my scheduled appointment and was in and out within the hour.

They were giving a free breakfast or lunch buffet coupon if you donated, so I took my voucher over to the Rewards Center to get the actual coupon to use sometime this month. Easy, right?  You would think.

I handed the voucher to the nice gentleman along with my driver's license and mentioned that I didn't have my reward card with me. He said that wasn't a problem and proceeded to pull my info up on the computer. He verified my birth date and printed out a new card and handed it to me, along with the buffet coupon.  The name on the card was Vern West.  Ummm ... "That's my husband." ... "Oh, your card is printing out now."  "He died."  "Oh dear, I am sorry."  "It's been 5 years."  "That's ok, just bring in his death certificate and we can remove him from your account."

What????  Are you kidding me???  For a casino reward card?  Ack!!!! There aren't even any points on the card.  (No - I didn't say any of that out loud. My experience this past weekend with the delayed/cancelled flights and seeing how badly others behaved is still fresh in my memory, so I'm practicing kindness these days.)

So Vern will be staying on my Sunset Station rewards account. He's still on the Verizon cell phone and DirecTV accounts and our gas and electric utility bills. They're all paperless and paid automatically from my checking account, so seeing his name on monthly bills isn't an issue. And it's not because I'm procrastinating about doing this (I do have a rather long list of THOSE things). It's because having to pull out that stinkin' death certificate is hard. Even at 5 years. Trust me, I know he's dead. I'm living with that. Every day.  But I can choose to not have to handle that piece of paper that authenticates the death of my forever love just to have his name removed from an account. It's a choice I can make quite easily, thank you.

And in case you didn't know, my young widowed friends are required to carry their spouse's death certificate with them whenever they travel out of the country with their children. That just makes no sense at all. It should be noted on their passports so that awful document isn't needed.

I also received a t-shirt for my blood donation today.  If you're able, I hope you'll consider being a regular blood donor. It's so important to have a blood supply available for those who need it. Trust me ... I know that, too.

Old? Not a chance!

I took a hard tumble last night and for a moment, as I laid there not sure I would be able to get up, I felt old. But only for a moment.

Lately I've been hearing a lot of "old" comments. Oh, not directed AT me ... but just casual references to others using that "old" adjective to describe people in their 60s.  I'm sure my friends aren't even thinking about their use of that word - even though in most every situation it is not used as a flattering term.  To my friends in their 20s and 30s, I'm old. I get that. Probably also to some in their 40s. My 50ish friends see me traveling the road just before them, so I doubt they'd like to use that word since it hits a little too close to home.  But really ... why do we humans feel the need to categorize ... label ... limit ... compare ... and judge others?

Perhaps you know some who have succumbed to the public pressure to "act their age" but, thankfully, I'm seeing so many who are living with 'their number' and not letting it define them. Go gray if you want to, or add some pink or purple to your hair.  Wear the clothes you want to wear - even if you find them in the young women's section.  Put on those bright colors. Live your BOLD life!

I happened upon a Facebook post yesterday that really caught my attention:

"She said I am not old; I have lived a hard life.
I have lived a long life. Has it been perfect, no. She said am I happy with where I am in my life right now, yes. Does she have any regrets, no.
She said I have amazing strength and courage, for which I discovered during my times of pain and agony. She said I also have tears of joy.
As she looks back on her life, she realized she had created a master piece, not knowing at first what a beautiful creation she would live to tell others about.
She said I slaved and sacrificed from the ones I love, loving them, she also found the love for myself that carried her through times of second guessing herself; she realized she is worth it.
She said I am whole, unique, lovable and real.
She said my body may have changed, my face may have wrinkled, but my heart and soul remain the same, giving love and having that love return to her.
She said that I may not have been what you wanted me to be, but I am not old, you still may see an old body, but I have come alive inside, the spirit of youth remains forever inside, and once you discover it, you embrace it and never let it go.
When you look at me, don't judge me and don't ignore me, for I have stories to tell. I will share with you where I have been and where I still intend on going, and don't tell me I can't do it, because you think I am old. After many years of trying to prove her worth to others, she has realized the one person that truly matters how worthy she is, is herself.
Don't tell her she is old and it can't be done at her age, for she will prove you wrong.
Accept her and love her for who she is, she is brave, bold and beautiful."
Mary Costanza   Link to Mary Costanza's FB post

And then today, Elizabeth Gilbert posted about an inspiring conversation she had with her 73-year-old Mom.  Here's a link to her Facebook post:  Elizabeth Gilbert's FB page

 and Melody Ross shared another relevant quote from Mary Costanza's page.

"As a woman gathers more years, she becomes more bold, which is not the same as brave: Brave is jumping in. Bold is jumping in led by angels. In age, we learn to know the difference. For certain, 'older is bolder'.  Clarissa Pinkola Estes

Don't you just love that?  "Jumping in led by angels."  Wahoo!

So to those of you who are fretting about turning 40 (really?!) or 50 or 60 ... how about we just forget those numbers. As a widow, I can assure you there are no guarantees how long any of us will live. So why not live each day the best that you can?  I miss my Vern. I will forever miss him. But I have to tell you, I hear him cheering me on each time I take another bold step in this alone life. I.am.not.done.yet.

And yes, I did get up from my fall and I'm ok.  Actually, I was more worried about being able to get on that plane tomorrow morning to attend the Brave Girl University teacher retreat and Soul Restoration certification training. Because that's how I'm living my BOLD life!

If you'd like a FREE 30-day trial to check out Brave Girl U, just use my coupon code (diannewest) on the registration page. I've finally posted an intro video and will be getting my courses added after the retreat.  http://www.bravegirluniversity.com/

Oh Sheryl Sandberg, what have you done?

So it's apparently "news" that Sheryl Sandberg, Facebook's COO, may be dating less than a year after her husband's death.  Really?  Why is that any of our business?  And why on earth are people being so judgmental in their comments?  This is her life. She does not need your permission to date nor does she need your ugly comments ... and I'm rather grateful that she's probably not reading them.

But my widowed friends are reading them. You know ... those of us 'regular' folk who have lost our loves and are facing it every.single.day. Our lives may not be covered in the national press, but we do hear those comments, those judgments. And so do our children.  And they are hurtful and just as wrong for us as they are for a 'celebrity'.

I am truly excited, thrilled and grateful - regardless of the time since loss - when:

• a widowed friend decides she/he is ready to start dating.
• a widowed friend finds a new love.
• I can attend or hear of the wedding of a widowed friend who has found their Chapter Two.

I feel these lovely emotions even though that is not something I choose for myself.

So why can't we just let everyone live their best life the way they choose?

I choose to not date or remarry and I've felt this way right from the start. For me. Personally. Not something I push on others. Not something I say is better or the way we must do this widow thing. It's just for me - and I guess to also be a voice for anyone else out there who may feel as I do.

But while responding to the offensive comments made by NOT WIDOWED people to all of these Sheryl Sandberg articles, some of my widowed friends have edged up to a line, too, with comments that could also be offensive to me and others like me if we didn't know and love the people making them. To paraphrase ...

"my married life made me love being part of a couple so I want that again"
"because we loved so well the first time, we want it a second time"

"loving again honors him instead of wallowing in grief and wasting my life"

 "I want to model resilience by moving forward with a new love" 

These kind of statements - even while said in response to hurtful and ridiculous comments about widows dating 'too soon' - have a subtle implication that those of us who choose not to seek a new partner had a bad marriage. Or that we are wallowing in our grief and wasting our lives. Not true and not fair.

I believe I am modeling resilience ... just for a different audience.

So ... to my friends who are not widowed ... please do not pass judgments on others for things you have not experienced. You do not know what this alone life is like, you do not know how you will feel or how you will want to live your life when that time comes. Trust me on this. Just love your spouse or significant person while they are still with you - and show love and compassion to your widowed friends as they do the best they can to move forward in the way they choose.

And to my widowed friends ... please be cautious with the words you use to defend yourself against those who feel they have a right to comment about how you live your life. You really don't need to defend yourself. How you live your life is none.of.their.business. And it's ok to just tell them that. Period.

My Chapter Two

OK, don't go getting all excited.  

I don't have a new man in my life. 

You see, in the widowed community, Chapter 2 refers to a new love or remarriage after loss. I know of some really beautiful Chapter 2s.  And it seems that most all of my not-yet-repartnered widowed friends want a Chapter 2 in the physical form. Not all want to remarry, but they want and need to have love in their lives again.  I get that … I just don’t want that.

So if they can be happy and fulfilled with their Chapter 2s - while still holding their lost loves in their heart - shouldn't I be able to do the same even though I choose to not date or remarry?  Yes, I think so.

My Chapter 1 was oh so beautiful and amazing, but it ended when my Vern died.

I don't want the end of my story to just be an appendix.

I want my own Chapter 2.

And I think I can have a pretty darn good one with just Dianne ... getting to know her better, accepting her flaws, appreciating her strengths, exploring new things, traveling, creating, being kind, sharing, learning, growing, loving.

I was asked to be a teacher in Brave Girl University last fall, to focus on mentoring widows. I was so honored and excited … and yet I still haven't submitted my classes. A big fail on my part. My insecurities, feeling 'less than' when looking at all of the other teachers and courses, being uncomfortable seeing myself on a video, thinking that no one will be interested in what I have to say, afraid of failing ... oh yeah, I've beaten myself up over this. And just when I had a course ready to submit, my laptop crashed and burned and I lost it all. Was that a sign I should throw in the towel?  I thought so for a bit, especially when someone else submitted a course nearly identical to what I had prepared and lost.

But then I realized that I do have something to share. I've lived this life. The caregiver years, Vern's death and these years alone. And I have a different perspective from many on how to face these ‘alone’ years. What I've experienced may help someone else, may give them hope that they will survive their own heartbreaking loss. And if even just one person needs it, then it will be worth it. So I’m back at it.

I wanted to come up with a name for this endeavor - a brand of sorts to wrap all of the things I'm doing under one umbrella: this widow blog, Brave Girl University, Grief Diaries, Soaring Spirits, a new blog for my ‘alone’ life, positive stuff.  Each time I’d come up with a possibility and check it out on Google I’d find multiple others had already thought of it. And then this morning Chapter 2 popped into my head.  I Googled it (adding the word widow to the search) and everything referenced dating and remarriage. But there weren’t any Facebook pages or blogs with that title. 

So there it is … My Chapter Two (or perhaps My Chapter, Too?)

I’m on a mission to create a new – or enhanced – definition of what that can mean for widowed folk. Something like:

Finding their life’s purpose and fulfillment

after the loss of their beloved spouse/partner

Stay tuned ….

P.S.  If you'd like to check out Brave Girl University, use diannewest as your coupon code and you'll get a FREE 30-day trial!  Just go to http://my.bravegirlsclub.com/, click on "Enroll in Brave Girl University" at the top of the page and insert the code.

https://www.amazon.com/author/diannewest
http://www.griefdiaries.com/
http://www.soaringspirits.org/

I have a dream ....

I decided to change my Facebook cover photo to a Martin Luther King quote today and as I looked at the many options it was quite easy to decide which one to use.

This quote takes me back to 1969, my senior year in high school. I was Class President and Salutatorian and had to give a speech at my graduation in mid-May. I met with my favorite teacher to talk about possible topics for my speech and he suggested basing it on this quote. It worked perfectly. That teacher? Yep, it was Vern West. He didn't come to graduation and I didn't expect to ever see him again.

But I did.  And my life was changed forever.

Whenever I think back to that summer of '69 I am utterly amazed at how it all just fell into place. True serendipity. So many little things that happened just the way they needed to happen for us to find one another. And we grabbed hold of it instead of letting it slip away.

I had a dream ... my life with my forever love. And while it ended sooner than I wanted, the reality of it was so much more than I could ever have imagined.

So perhaps there's still a dream left in me. Oh, not for a new love. I truly am not at all interested in that. Perhaps the reason I spend so much time seeking and doing and exploring new things is to put me into places where serendipity can once again work its magic to produce something beautiful. A 'garden' of some sort filled with love and hope and kindness and happiness.

I have a dream .... how about you?

It's all about the LOVE

The week leading up to my wedding anniversary was a tough one ... lots of emotions ... both good and bad ... plenty of triggers.  Ups and downs.  Good news, bad news.  Life.  And melancholy became my companion.

Where was the excitement to work on my anniversary random acts of kindness (RAKs)?  It was such a joyful experience last year to share flowers and donuts and balloons at the hospital. But the thought of entering a hospital this week just became more than I thought I could handle. 

And then I ran into Dr. Gollard, Vern's oncologist, at Starbuck's. It's been nearly 5 years since Vern & I last saw him. I hesitated approaching him, but was encouraged by my friend (thanks, ML). I introduced myself and thanked him for the care he gave my husband - and he immediately said "Vern, what a kind man" and followed it with "Ohio State". He remembered!  Those two drove me nuts talking football at appointments when I was anxious to hear blood count numbers and stats and progress. But Vern loved him because of those conversations.  

And thinking about that short little conversation helped me to recognize how important it is to me that Vern be remembered. And why I include his name on our anniversary RAKs. They are a physical reminder of the love we shared, the love we continue to share. So I got out my stencils and pens and ink sprays and the little RAK cards my friend Laurie gave me and got to work.

But what to include inside these 50 little envelopes? What could make a difference?  And then I came across the More Love Letters website:  http://www.moreloveletters.com/   And I knew what to include.  

It's really that simple.  It's what the world needs more of.

So I began writing little love notes to anonymous people. I've joined the More Love Letters team and will be writing love letters regularly, but these little anniversary RAKs will just have a few important words for whoever finds them:  you are loved, you are beautiful, you can do this, you are amazing.  

And that's the thing ... I don't need to deliver them to a hospital. That was the right thing to do last year, but not this year.  I can place these in any number of spots ... tucked in with the canned goods at the grocery store ... dropped in a bin at Target or Hobby Lobby ... handed to the drive-through kid at McDonald's ... tucked inside a book at the library. Ready and waiting for whoever is supposed to find them.  

So I'll admit this here ... I did not distribute my RAKs yesterday. I spent the day in the house, with the blinds closed, in my jammies. All day. It was what I needed to do on that special day this year. Self-care. Yes, it's been nearly 5 years since my Vern left this world. But don't you dare say I should be 'over it'. I will miss him and the love we shared until the day I die. And it's OK. Really, it is. I'm not depressed. I'm living my life. I'm doing some really, really good things. These melancholy days just drop by every now and then - especially from August 23 to September 22 each year - and I must respect them. Remember them. Remember him.

Fill your cup

Becoming a widow changes us. Quite an understatement, eh?

While most of the changes we experience are difficult ... the grief, sleeplessness, tears, financial issues, being the only parent, loneliness ... there are actually some changes that could be considered positive.

And one of those is our expanding empathy.
We know more now.
Granted, they are things we wish we didn't know ... but there's no turning back the clock.

We've seen and experienced things non-widowed people have not. And it allows us ... almost forces us ... to reach out and identify with our widowed sisters and brothers who come after us.

Now I've always been pretty empathetic - even before Vern became ill. But after he died, it seems my empathy level ratcheted up pretty high. Probably at a rather unhealthy level.

And doing all of the volunteer work that I do for Soaring Spirits ... well, let's just say I have hundreds of opportunities every single day to feel the pain of my widowed family.

And sometimes it gets the best of me.
My heart actually hurts.
Sadness envelopes me.
A heaviness overwhelms me.
I want to just climb into bed and shut the world out.

These past few days have been hard ones. Shocking and devastating news has rocked our widowed community. A young widow experienced her second loss when her fiance died. Another young widow lost her husband's brother in a violent tragedy. I went to the hospital to visit a member of my local widow group and found her in ICU and intubated. And I feel. it. all.

I guess the point of this blog post is the importance of self-care. We need to recognize when our cup is empty. When we cannot do one more thing until we do something - whatever that might be - that fills our cup.

I thought I had hit that point today after my visit to the hospital (the same hospital my Vern was in when hospice became our only option). Instead, I went to lunch with a friend. And had some laughs with my son. And had a wonderful online chat with a dear Widowed Village friend who has found some new happiness.  And my cup filled. Without me curling up in a ball alone in a dark room.

Our wedding anniversary is this Sunday. It would have been #46. I will once again do random acts of kindness to honor him and our love. 46 of them. And I will do 2 more for a couple of my widow friends, to honor their loves. I think my cup is going to get much larger on Sunday.

Lights! Camera! Action!

Well my Amazon Prime order has arrived, so it's time ... time to face my fears and try doing a video. I ordered an inexpensive tripod (so I can shoot further away and a little above me (cuz I've been told that is more flattering LOL) and a cool little bluetooth device that allows me to start and stop the video from where I'm seated.  Who knew?  I sure didn't.

But since I agreed to join Brave Girl University, it's something I have to do ... and soon. I'm still struggling with all of this, but I believe opportunities are dropped in our path for a reason and we must be listening ... and brave enough ... to follow where they take us. So I'm working on some content and will do some video intros and see what comes of it all.

If you'd like to save a spot to find out what BGU is all about, just click on the link below this photo and it should take you to a page to leave your email address that links to me if you should decide to sign up for BGU.

Dianne's link to Brave Girl U

Yes, that means some $$ could come my way if anyone signs up using my link - but that is not why I'm doing this. We reach a lot of widows through the Soaring Spirits programs (Widowed Village, Camp Widow, Widow's Voice), but there are so very many who never find us, who don't find a group that can support them during their grief.  While most of the Brave Girls are not widowed ... unfortunately, many will be one day ... or someone they care about will become widowed. So my little corner of BGU will provide them with a space to connect with others, to learn that they are not alone, to find their tribe. (And I have committed to donate any funds I receive to Soaring Spirits International. One more way I can give back to an incredible organization that helped to save me.)

I am not a fan of being photographed and usually shy away from it whenever possible. So this video thing is a really, really big deal for me. Can't say conquering some of my insecurities about how I look was on my bucket list, but I guess it will be a good thing for me to have in my pocket.  Ok ... time to tackle this video thing.  Wish me luck!

I Can & I Will

http://bravegirlsclub.ontraport.com/t?orid=111&opid=2 

Oh boy - I said yes ... and now the self-doubt has settled in pretty hard.

There are so many incredible teachers offering their existing classes and creating new classes for Brave Girl University (BGU) ... that part is pretty darn exciting. I'm already a subscriber to the Brave Girl Soul School, so that means that starting September 1st I'll also have access to all of these other classes at no additional cost!  Pretty awesome!

But seeing all of these amazing people share that they will be offering classes in BGU is really intimidating.  They have a following. They already have a presence in the Brave Girl/online art community.  Where do I fit in?  I'm not an artist.  I don't have any existing classes.  Can I do this? Will what I offer be of any value to anyone?  Sigh.

Where is my guy when I need him to boost me up and tell me I can do this?  Oh yeah ... he died ... and that's the only reason I've been asked to participate in this new adventure.

So enough of this not feeling good enough stuff. I'm a Brave Girl. I'm a widow. I'm a survivor. I have valuable resources to share with my widowed friends.

I've ordered a tripod and microphone for my iPhone. I've kept a notepad with me constantly to write down ideas and thoughts ever since that initial contact from Melody. I won't try to be like the others. I won't do any comparing. I will just share what I've learned along this road that has taken me from devastating grief to a new life that has purpose. I will share my heart and soul with the widowed community I love. And make sure they know that they are not alone ... in what they've experienced, how they feel, how others treat them, the struggles they endure every single day.

Yeah ... I can do this.
I CAN & I WILL!

Opening a New Door

To be honest, I wasn't entirely confident it was the right time for me to retire, but I now have no doubt whatsoever that it was absolutely the right time. I've been busy! Too busy for a job!

Lots of traveling - Camp Widow in Tampa, a beautiful Florida wedding of two dear widowed friends, Sister Camp in the Ozarks, Handmade U in Nebraska, Whimsical Women in Costa Rica. Mixed in there was some heavy work updating the Widowed Village website and moving 2500+ blogs from the Widow's Voice site to the new Soaring Spirits website, along with the monthly postings of all of our regional group meetings on two websites. I was so busy, it didn't feel like I was retired at all.

And that concerned me.

I had the Camp Widows in San Diego and Toronto to prepare for and attend, but the second half of 2015 was going to be much quieter. Would that be a good thing for me? Would I revert back to the cocooning I used to do on the weekends?  I wasn't sure.

And then I heard from Melody Ross ... yeah, THE Melody Ross, Brave Girl extraordinaire!!!  And she wanted me to join her new adventure BRAVE GIRL UNIVERSITY as a mentor/teacher for widowed Brave Girls.  If you know me really well, you know my self-confidence could use some work. So having Melody seek me out felt really, really good. Could I do this? I think so. Did I want to do this? YES!

The package with all of the details arrived the day before I flew off to San Diego for Camp Widow. Initial course content is due August 15. I don't have a website, I don't have any prepared content. Is this even possible? So I asked Melody & Kathy if there was any wiggle room to have my content come on after the September 1st debut. And they said 'yes'!

Brave Girl University (BGU) is going to be amazing. It will include Melody's Soul School courses along with the addition of an incredible community of teachers offering their art and life classes. If this piques your interest, please click on the photo below to 'save your spot' to see what is in store on September 1st. No obligation by clicking and adding your email address; it will just show that you learned about BGU from me. I hope you'll join me there!

A Lesson Learned

My little pity party yesterday has given me yet another life lesson.

When searching for the meaning of Pura Vida to include in yesterday’s blog, I also came across this one:

Pura vida! Means that no matter what your current situation is, life for someone else can always be less fortunate than your own. So you need to consider that maybe...just maybe, your situation isn't all that bad and that no matter how little or how much you have in life, we are all here together and life is short...so start living it "pura vida style".

I almost used it, but decided to go with the other, shorter, one.  It wasn't long after posting my blog that I received an urgent message from a Widowed Village friend that there was a new person in distress in the chat room. So I hopped on over there.

… and there was the lesson.

After things settled down, it was a real smack upside the head moment for me.  I can’t reveal the particulars, but less fortunate?  By miles.  And then I spent some time in Widville reading blogs and posts and got even more of those ‘smacks’. 

OK, Lord, I heard ya.   My “situation isn’t all that bad”.

And with His help I will be able to tackle each of the things that took me down this week.  A family issue,  my health, my age, the house, the mess, the feeling I’m being cast aside in a certain area of my life that I’ve devoted a lot of time to … yep, I’ve we’ve got this.

Pura Vida!

If you follow me on Facebook you know that I spent 10 days in Costa Rica last month. What a beautiful country ... fabulous resorts, gorgeous beach/ocean, spectacular rain forests, amazing waterfalls, beautiful people. I traveled alone, but met up with others who were attending an art retreat there. I ate some meals with them, ate some alone, enjoyed the retreat and took some tours ... a sunset sail and snorkeling (first time for me!), Blue River, Monte Verde cloud forest, Palo Verde National Park, Arenal volcano rain forest.  A simply amazing experience where I felt Vern right alongside me all the way.

Pura Vida! ... I couldn't tell you how many times I heard or uttered those words.  (And not just because it was the name of the drink I most enjoyed at the hotel.)  The words literally mean "pure life", but it goes beyond that. It symbolizes the idea of simply enjoying life and being happy ... ah ... sounds so easy, eh?  But it was ... there.  Not so much ... here.

I returned home to some drama, a massive volunteer project, a messy house, overgrown yard, house issues.  Aaacckkk!!!  The thought of running back to Costa Rica definitely crossed my mind.

But I stayed, of course.

And here I am 3 weeks later and I’m in a funk. Haven’t been feeling great, not eating properly, not getting things done, tears popping up easily. And I spent most of the past two days just laying in bed, doing nothing, letting some crazy thoughts take root. Feeling I want to just hunker down as I did those early months. Wrap myself up in my little cocoon and keep the world away.

I know that’s not the healthiest way to deal with … ok, I’ll say it … depression … but it has worked for me before. The difference now is that I know I will be ok. I just sometimes need to give myself this little break. Close myself off by just not being available to always saying 'yes' to whatever is asked of me. Because I know I can't say 'no'.

So today I did not attend my local regional group meeting (I'm sorry, Rose, Ann, Lupe). Instead, I took my cup of hot tea out to the pool. Sat down on the edge and stuck my feet in the water. Opened up the lovely Bella Grace magazine and gave myself the gift of peace. 

... until I looked closer at the pool and realized the in-floor cleaning system wasn't working and it desperately needs a replastering and weeds have taken over the backyard, too. More things to add to the to-do list.  Sigh.

And then a mockingbird decided to start chattering ... and that reminded me of how much Vern loved those birds ... and that brought tears because he should be here.  A good ol' downpour. Guess that is what I needed because I did feel better after.

I've 'mostly' stayed offline today. I've worked a bit on my Bible journaling and some artsy stuff and then decided it was time to write a blog. It usually helps me to put this stuff in writing and just be done with it. 

My life is good. And I'm ok. I know I am lucky to have a paid-off house and a pension check, unlike so many of my dear widowed friends. I am grateful for what I have. But sometimes ... just sometimes ... I get so tired of having to always be the cheerful one, the positive one, the put my troubles aside one, the whatever anyone who reaches out needs one. It's who I am and I know I can't change that. So today I'm giving myself a gift. In the words of my favorite Brave Girl class ... I am closed for restoration. Today is all about me.  Dianne will return tomorrow ... or maybe Monday.

It's May ... again

It's May ... and, as has happened each year since Vern died, melancholy envelops me. This year it hit me with an overwhelming exhaustion, and I recognized the trigger.  Nine years ago today (9 years?!) we heard the word 'cancer', with surgery the next day, the bleed-out, a big mistake in the OR, followed by 4+ oh-so-hard cancer years. May brings remembrance, questions, what ifs, should haves.

And perhaps this year's melancholy includes a bit of post-retirement loss, too. I said often during my final weeks on the job that I didn't expect to be remembered, that it's normal that work goes on when someone leaves and they are forgotten. I guess I wasn't quite as prepared for the 'forgotten' piece as I thought I was.

I choose to put on the brave, positive public face and do my grieving privately. I'm traveling, I'm co-leading a local widows social group, doing LOTS of volunteering for Soaring Spirits International, taking online classes, attending women's retreats. All good stuff. Really good stuff. But regardless of all of the activity and the passage of time, I still miss him. Miss the life we had. Miss the life we should be living together right now.

In an effort to "one day ... find myself alive again" - I was blessed to attend two retreats last month that filled my soul and connected me to loving, beautiful, creative women. As I enjoyed the beauty of the Ozarks and the Nebraska farmland, I felt Vern with me. Seeing the beauty through my eyes. And that brings me peace. As I prepare to head to Costa Rica this week, a trip we thought we would do together one day, I know he would be proud of most of the things I've done during these past 4+ years spent alone. I truly believe that living my life well honors him. So "I will survive until I survive".

Retirement Thoughts

Yep ... that's me ... a retiree. Today.  Wow.

I've felt pretty 'giddy' these past couple of weeks as I've weeded out piles of stuff collected over the years and counted down the days. But today was a little bit hard. Felt weepy when I woke up, tears on the way into work. Decided to make a stop for coffee to get myself together before venturing into the office. And then I realized it wasn't leaving the organization I've worked for these past 29 years that had me tearing up. It was that Vern is not here to share this important milestone with me.

We had such wonderful plans for our retirement years ....

So I will move into this new chapter of my life ... without him by my side, but with him in my heart.

And I do have plans ... a trip to south Florida to share in the joyful marriage of an especially dear widow friend, soul care at a retreat in the Ozark Mountains, an art retreat in a fabulous old barn in Nebraska and an amazing retreat in Costa Rica.

I've accepted additional tasks in my volunteer role with Soaring Spirits that will keep me plenty busy, along with travel to our remaining 2015 Camp Widows in San Diego and Toronto.

I have several online art classes I've signed up for but not started ... I will get started now.

I have numerous books I've purchased that haven't been read ... I will read daily.

I have 30+ years of 'stuff' in this house that needs to be weeded out ... I will simplify.

I think I'm going to need to live to be at least 100 to accomplish all of this.

* * *

I don't like good-byes. I'm not especially comfortable in the spotlight and there are some other personal reasons involved that caused me to request no official office farewell. But I did receive many lovely emails, cards, gifts, phone calls, visits and hugs from my co-workers this week. My heart is full and it is good.

Before leaving my office, I changed my voicemail message to one explaining I had retired and who to call now ... and ended with Mary Oliver's quote:

Think about that for yourself ... and do something to make it happen.

J O Y ?

2014 flew by quite quickly ... with some really good things that happened and some not-so-good.  Just like each year, actually. For all of us.  But we survive ... and we do our best to thrive in spite of all that life throws at us.  I think I've done a pretty decent job of thriving.

I've learned so much during Vern's illness, death and these alone years that have built up my armor to protect me from any serious injuries due to hurtful words and actions. And that is what helped me find my Word for 2015. It's certainly not one I was initially comfortable with. But it kept coming to me as the one I was supposed to choose for this year. To be honest, my personal definition of JOY is not the same in my 'before' and 'after' since Vern died. But if I adjust the meaning of the word to this ...

... well then, that's something I can relate to. So JOY it is.

And since this year also brings my retirement, I'm thinking JOY just might be the perfect word. 

I started writing this post in January but it got sidelined with all of the Camp Widow volunteer prep, so here I am now ... just two weeks away from my very last day of work. It feels good. It feels right. I'm ready to leave all of the experiences of these past 29 years of my work life at the doorstep of the Water District. I won't have to be 'that' Dianne any longer. And while I struggled with the loss of my 'Vern & Dianne' identity, this one is going to be pretty easy to let go. I feel good about all that I accomplished during those years and I'm now ready to start living the rest of my "one wild and precious life"!

A Very Grateful Brave Girl

It's been a difficult week. Really pretty darn ugly in fact. Rubbed me raw. Hurt my heart. Buckets of tears. And through it all I did what I always do in public ... just keep on keepin' on and no one had a clue to how close I came to falling apart. Or running away.  

But I didn't fall apart. And I didn't run away. Because, after all, that's not what I do. Ever. 

So I cocooned. Cocooning works for me. I came home from work each night and went straight to bed. Pulled those covers right up over my head. And slept more than I have since ... well since before Vern was diagnosed, I think.

And today - instead of doing the Light the Night Walk I had planned in memory of Vern - I stayed in my jammies and spent time at my laptop. Just did not have it in me to put on that happy face and be in a crowd today. The Leukemia & Lymphoma Society received my donation along with those of the few friends who supported me, so that's what was most important. 

And what did I receive?  Well ... I received an important reminder of a conversation I had with a very special little girl two years ago.

My November Brave Box arrived. Brave Girl Soul School is a gift I've given myself and this month's focus is Everyday Gratitude. I opened up the box of beautiful artwork and lessons and important words and knew this was what I needed to spend time on today. I really do believe that taking time to recognize the good things in our life, the everyday things that we often take for granted, can make a huge difference in how we hold up under life's struggles. I had lost sight of that this week.

So I started watching the project videos and there was Eden! What a wonderful gift to hear her sweet voice again. You see, Eden and I shared a seat on the Brave Bus at Brave Girl Camp in November 2012 and had a really wonderful conversation. That little girl is blessed well beyond her years. She saw me. Really saw me. And said things to me that touched my soul. 

But now it's two years later. And my soul was bruised and I had forgotten her words. Until tonight. Tonight I remembered.  Thank you, sweet Eden. What a blessing you are to me ... to this world.

A Trip Home ... and more

September ... it hasn't been a favorite month of mine during the past 4 years. Vern's final days were in September, and so many memories come flooding back at this time each year. I relive those final days at home, the 911 call, the hospital stay and move to hospice. Second guessing choices made, things missed, questions unanswered. And eventually remembering all of the love that surrounded him ... us ... during those final hours.

But there was a difference this year - and maybe a lesson to be learned.

Our very first international Camp Widow was taking place in Toronto on September 26-28 and I decided to make a stop in Michigan on my way there. That meant an extra busy few weeks at work before I left. And being the procrastinator that I am, packing was left to the weekend before my flight. I didn't plan on my car needing to go in for repair and having to get a rental - and the extra time the afternoon before my flight to return the rental and pick up my car. But that actually turned into a blessing, as there was no time to dwell on the September what-ifs.

Jeremy came with me ... to see family AND to help me by volunteering at Camp Widow. It was good. Really good. Although I'm not sure he enjoyed sitting through the long reunion lunches with my elementary and high school friends - but his reward was a University of Michigan football game on Saturday to make up for it. Not a great year for the Wolverines but we had fabulous seats and it was my first time in the Big House. And it stormed. Thunder, lightning, heavy rain, flooding, 60mph winds, hail ... oh Michigan, I remember you so well.

We had a nice family gathering and Jer got to see some cousins he hasn't seen in many years. And I was able to visit my sister Bev. She's in a nursing home; not sure she recognized me but I had some things I needed to say to her. Important things. She was widowed in 2002 and I didn't know then what I do know now. I believe she heard me.

From http://www.mykindaperfect.com/

So staying really busy was helpful in keeping those hard memories at bay. We said goodbye to family on the 21st and drove across the Ambassador Bridge to Windsor, Ontario. I purposely chose to not be with family or friends on the 4 year anniversary of Vern's death. I wanted that time to myself ... to walk along the riverfront, to remember, to be grateful for the years we had together. But that's not how it turned out. Instead we were grilled by Customs, interrogated by Immigration, nearly not allowed in the country, late arriving at the hotel, even later returning the car after finally finding the airport. Oh Canada ... what a welcome. Was there a lesson somewhere in there?  Yes, I think there was.

45 Random Acts of Kindness

45 years ago today ... it was hot and sticky in southeastern Michigan. I recall picking up our wedding cake from the neighbor who baked it (with my hair in those pink spongy curlers) and placing the cake in the trunk of my car to deliver to the church. No big reception for us (no $$) so we were just using the church hall to have some cake and open gifts after the ceremony. The rain didn't arrive until during the ceremony, and that just made the sanctuary even more humid. Perspiration dripped from my guy's face ... humidity or nerves?  Probably both. It was a whirlwind romance that neither of us could have ever predicted. "Where it began, I can't begin to know when ... but then I know it's growing strong. Was in the spring, then spring became the summer. Who'd have believed you'd come along."

It was the summer of '69.  I was just 18, Vern was 28. He had been one of my high school teachers, but there was no hint of what was to come until after I graduated. Our first date was June 8th, we were engaged on July 8th and married on August 23rd. That speedy time frame didn't seem out of the ordinary to us at all. We just knew that we were meant to be. And we were.

I was blessed to spend 41 years with Vern. Truly blessed that he chose me. And blessed that I was able to care for him and hold him as he took his last breath. I spent our 42nd anniversary alone here in our house; I was at Brave Girl Camp in Idaho on our 43rd; and last year I drove his Mustang up to Mt. Charleston and had a special hummingbird visit.

This year I ventured over to St. Rose Siena Hospital ... yes, the hospital Vern spent many, many, many weeks in during that long, hard cancer battle. I haven't been back there since that last time in September 2010 .... but it felt like that was the place I needed to do my 45 random acts of kindness in honor of Vern and our wedding anniversary. I know what it's like to pull into that parking lot and fear what is to come. I know what it's like to sit in the ER waiting and waiting and waiting. I know what it's like to watch that poisonous chemo being infused into the man I loved. And I know what it's like to feel alone, to feel that no one cares or understands just how horribly hard it is to put one foot in front of the other as we watch our loved one suffer. So I wanted to do just a little something to help some unknown people perhaps traveling that same road ... to let them know they are not alone and they are loved.

So I prepared the cards, added some cash or gift cards to the envelopes,bought flowers and balloons and helium. And off Jer and I went. First stop was to pick up 6 dozen Krispy Kremes, and then off to St. Rose. 

Cards attached to bags filled with surprises.

What an amazing morning. There have been some major changes at the hospital, lots of construction (finally a parking garage is being built!). We found our way into the ER waiting room and made some staff extremely happy with the hot Krispy Kremes. I explained why we were doing this and they were surprised and so appreciative. We then headed up to the 3rd floor - that's where we spent a lot of time as it was the chemo and surgical floor. More donuts for the staff. And I gave the gift cards to the charge nurse to give out to those who really need them. Jer and I then headed down the hall and gave out flower bouquets to the patients. Oh my - this was extra, extra special and something I will do regularly. We met a couple who had just celebrated their 55th wedding anniversary and a woman who had just celebrated her 45th anniversary in the hospital - and a lovely Iranian woman who was overwhelmed with our gift and kept shouting to God to bless us. Patients and staff were so surprised at our generosity - and so very thankful. Then we were off to the parking lot to fill up balloons with helium and attach a card with some cash in it to 20 cars. We chose to place them on the cars in the ER parking spaces and were paid a visit by a Security guard. When I explained what we were doing he was rather impressed and gave us the ok to continue.  

The back of my car filled with goodies.

The ER parking lot

I don't like to honor the day Vern died ... that is a day for private reflection for me. But this ... oh yes, this is something I will do again and again. On our wedding anniversary, on his birthday ... and I'm thinking once a month 'just because'. 

I am only one, but still I am one. I cannot do everything, but still I can do something; and because I cannot do everything, I will not refuse to do something I can do.   Edward Everett Hale 

I expect to pass through this world but once; any good thing therefore that I can do, or any kindness that I can show to any fellow creature, let me do it now; let me not defer or neglect it, for I shall not pass this way again. 
Stephen Grellet