A Very Grateful Brave Girl

It's been a difficult week. Really pretty darn ugly in fact. Rubbed me raw. Hurt my heart. Buckets of tears. And through it all I did what I always do in public ... just keep on keepin' on and no one had a clue to how close I came to falling apart. Or running away.  

But I didn't fall apart. And I didn't run away. Because, after all, that's not what I do. Ever. 

So I cocooned. Cocooning works for me. I came home from work each night and went straight to bed. Pulled those covers right up over my head. And slept more than I have since ... well since before Vern was diagnosed, I think.

And today - instead of doing the Light the Night Walk I had planned in memory of Vern - I stayed in my jammies and spent time at my laptop. Just did not have it in me to put on that happy face and be in a crowd today. The Leukemia & Lymphoma Society received my donation along with those of the few friends who supported me, so that's what was most important. 

And what did I receive?  Well ... I received an important reminder of a conversation I had with a very special little girl two years ago.

My November Brave Box arrived. Brave Girl Soul School is a gift I've given myself and this month's focus is Everyday Gratitude. I opened up the box of beautiful artwork and lessons and important words and knew this was what I needed to spend time on today. I really do believe that taking time to recognize the good things in our life, the everyday things that we often take for granted, can make a huge difference in how we hold up under life's struggles. I had lost sight of that this week.

So I started watching the project videos and there was Eden! What a wonderful gift to hear her sweet voice again. You see, Eden and I shared a seat on the Brave Bus at Brave Girl Camp in November 2012 and had a really wonderful conversation. That little girl is blessed well beyond her years. She saw me. Really saw me. And said things to me that touched my soul. 

But now it's two years later. And my soul was bruised and I had forgotten her words. Until tonight. Tonight I remembered.  Thank you, sweet Eden. What a blessing you are to me ... to this world.

Be Brave

Life has been busy. And mostly good. I signed up for an online newsletter this morning and it asked if I had a blog ... which reminded me that I haven't written anything in here in quite awhile.  I decided to take today off work to get some things done around the house. And yet here I sit at my laptop - a habit I have not been very successful in breaking. But since it's an unusually rainy day in Vegas I have an excuse for not doing any of the much-needed yard cleanup work (I'll come up with another excuse for delaying the also much-needed inside the house cleanup for awhile). Guess this is a good time to write an update.  Ah, where to begin?

Well ... the absolutely most important change in my life has been finding Brave Girls Club. I do believe it was a 'God-moment' when I just happened to see the BGC badge on another widow's blog.The site spoke to me immediately. I signed up for their Daily Truths and then noticed they have a Camp. Since Camp Widow has been a wonderful part of my life for the past year-and-a-half I had to click on that link ... and I physically felt the pull that this was something I was supposed to do. But it was very much out of my comfort zone: 4 days in Idaho with complete strangers; a roommate; life lessons; creating art; a significant amount of money. So I closed the page. But I just could not get it out of my mind. I went back in to see when the Camps were held and saw they had 2 openings for their August 21-24 Camp. Another God-moment. The 22nd has been a rather tough day for me as that is the day of the month Vern died ... and August 23 would have been our 43rd wedding anniversary. I have spent those important days alone during these past 2 years. Perhaps I needed to be with others ... in Idaho. So I asked my boss if I could have the time off work and when he said yes I signed up before I could change my mind. This was July 5, so I didn't have a lot of time to second-guess my decision ... but second-guess I sure did. I was nervous, wondering if I'd be way older than everyone there, concerned I wouldn't fit in, worried I had no ability to create art, scared to confront the life lessons I knew I had been ignoring. But I did it ... and it was amazing and wonderful and life-changing. And I now have a group of women who are my sisters, who love me, who think I am wonderful and beautiful and creative ... and enough. What an incredible blessing.

I also attended Camp Widow in San Diego in early August and it was wonderful. I drove Vern's Mustang there for the first time alone and made a stop at our special Crystal Pier - and I was honored during Camp to be one of the recipients of the Soaring Spirits Service Award for my volunteer work in Widowed Village. I'm headed to Big Bear in early November for a weekend widow's retreat that my Widowed Village friend Lisa has developed, and I have another trip planned for later this year that I am very excited about. I'm also taking a couple of Brave Girl online courses - and one of my Camp-mates actually lives in Vegas and we get together on Fridays to create art and talk.

While there are times I think about retiring, my job helps me to be able to afford to do the things that are helping me find my way ... forcing myself to step outside the box, to try things I never would have in the past, to stop waiting for others to fill the void, to get comfortable doing things by myself. People have come into and out of my life this year. Change isn't easy - and it's hard to be "just" Dianne, but I'm getting there.  I miss Vern every day, but I am making the choice to honor his memory by being all I can be with the time I have left.