Missing Him

Today marks 11 months since I last held Vern in my arms. And I miss him. I know that I am lucky ... so very lucky ... lucky that we found each other ... lucky that we had 41 wonderful years together ... lucky that his passing was peaceful. But none of that makes me miss him any less. I will miss him until I draw my last breath and we are together again.  In the midst of all of that missing, however, I do know that I will survive. I am who I am because of Vern - and I will strive to make this new life honor him.

Emotions have a way of visiting whenever they please. Sometimes they surprise me, other times I anticipate their arrival. But I believe that feeling what I feel whenever I feel it is extremely important. And I'm trying to do that more now. To be real. Sure, there are still times I must put on the 'happy face' - don't we all have to do that, even if you're not a widow? But I don't resent having to do that any longer ... as long as I can also just succumb to the emotions whenever I need to.

So I've made some good progress, I think. Coming up on the one year mark is rather daunting. In some ways I can't believe it's been that long, but other times it feels like forever. But one thing the impending one year mark is doing for me is helping me realize I must make some changes. I can no longer ignore my mail or housework or the house repairs or the yard or the cars. Those are things that I am responsible for and putting my head in the sand and ignoring them is just plain ridiculous. Can I do all of those things? Of course I can. I don't like having to do it all, and I miss being able to talk to Vern about things, to get his advice, to hear his recommendations. But I really am quite capable. I handle everything at work just fine, so this behavior is rather odd ... but I'll just blame it on being a widow.

I think that part of my progress is a result of my attending Camp Widow last weekend in San Diego. Being with nearly 300 others who understand what this is like was healing. There were tears and laughter, good lessons learned in the workshops, new friendships made but some hurt feelings, too. Finally being able to express all of those varied emotions really had an impact on me. It was exhausting. I stayed an extra day so I could see some of the sights, and ended up sleeping most of Sunday afternoon and ordering room service that night. I've worked my way through all of those emotions and feel like I've turned a corner. And I've signed up to attend BOTH of the Camp Widows to be held next year!

What a wonderful surprise greeted me when I returned home Monday ... the messy front yard had been completely cleaned up - thanks to a dear neighbor. I kept thinking Jer & I could do it, but after doing part of it in this heat I realized I needed to just call someone to get it done. But I never got around to making the call - I have such a horrible problem with procrastination. I am amazed at how differently I feel now when I walk out the front door. I didn't realize the impact the overgrown plants, dead palm fronds and weeds was having on me. It's rather amazing. And that realization has helped me understand how important it is that I get the mess inside the house cleaned up, too. I've made a start and I have a plan. Finally.

So I'm in a pretty good place today at 11 months.  Not sure how I'll feel tomorrow ... it would have been our 42nd wedding anniversary. I'm off work, don't have any plans for the day, but thinking it would be a good day to sort through some old photos ... to spend some time with nice memories. I gave myself a "pay it forward" anniversary gift tonight by helping someone who is having a rough time financially.  They said, "You saved my life." Oh my. I actually felt Vern smiling. Wish I could have saved his life. 

There are things that we don't want to happen but have to accept, things we don't want to know but have to learn, and people we can't live without but have to let go.  ~Author Unknown

It's just emotion ....

... and mine have been all over the map lately.  "In the words of a broken heart, it's just emotion that's taking me over ...."  I heard that Bee Gees song today and it fit, even though I know the lyrics have nothing to do with widow grief.

Highs and lows. Tears and laughter. Ups and downs. Joy and sorrow.  Just emotions ....

Actually, I've been feeling pretty good lately. Work is good, Jeremy is doing really well, and I hit the 9 month mark on June 22 and didn't fall apart. I owe my former co-worker, Vince, for getting me through that date. He called that morning and invited me to join him for the 5th anniversary show of Phantom of the Opera at The Venetian. It was wonderful - beautiful voices and a simply amazing theater - and it was so nice to catch up with Vince.

But then the weekend hits and I still can't get myself out of the house. During my work week I feel pretty positive about doing some things, but then I just cannot force myself out that door unless I absolutely have to. I can create lists of things to do, places to go, but the weekend hits and I plop myself in Vern's recliner and pull up my laptop. I'm comfortable. It feels good. It's comforting. And I'm ok with it ... until Sunday evening.  Then I start beating myself up about it.  So I'll just keep on trying again next weekend, and the next....

I did finally get Vern's Mustang running. It and the wheelchair van have been sitting out in the driveway for months; the batteries died long ago. It was a bit of a fiasco with AAA and finding a repair shop that would recharge the battery, but ended up being worth the couple of hours it took. I wasn't sure how I'd feel getting into his car, but it was ok.  I'm sure he's pleased I finally took care of this. Unfortunately, the van is still not running (that's too long a story to get into here). I'll try getting that one on the road next weekend. I do really hate having to do all of this stuff alone.

I spend a lot of time in Widowed Village. I need it. They 'get' me there. They understand what I'm feeling and experiencing because they're feeling and experiencing it, too. I can help others there when they need it ... and they are there for me when I need it.  I've made some wonderful friends, people I really care about, and will meet some of them next month at Camp Widow in San Diego. And I'm even planning a trip to Calgary next July to meet up with my very special Canadian Widville friend. We'll do the Stampede and visit Banff and Lake Louise. We may even do a trip to DC together before that. We have a really special connection that I am so very grateful for. So that's a really good thing for me.

But my emotions are lying just under the surface and it doesn't take much to set me off.  I miss Vern and the life we had.  I hurt more for others.  There's been another tragic death at work, a dear friend's husband has entered hospice, a precious little grandson of an MM caregiver is in very critical condition this evening.  And the tears come.  I tried to attend the funeral of my co-worker on Saturday, but just couldn't. It was at the same funeral home Vern was at.  Watching the fireworks tonight brought tears.  The news of little Isaac this evening brought me to my knees.

"And where are you now,
Now that I need you,
Tears on my pillow,
Wherever you go,
I'll cry me a river
That leads to your ocean
You´ll never see me fall apart"