This Widowed Life

Today was a good day. A full day. But I'm tired. Really tired. I think I will crawl into bed much earlier tonight than my normal post-midnight hour.

But before that I decided to come out to watch the sun set and just sit with my feet in the pool for a bit. I never go in it. It's a shame really. I was greeted with what felt like bath water. Heavenly. I know some don't like that ... but I do. Vern did, too. I think I really need to do this more often. Maybe even put on that rarely used swimsuit and immerse myself fully into the gentle, warm waters. Self-care.  Being in the water would actually have felt better than the 110 degree winds that were whipping around me. But I was too tired to go in and change. Maybe I'll just plan on doing that tomorrow.  (And no, Stasia, I didn't finish the Bikini Bootcamp course work and purchase that bikini. I promised I would, so I will. But I really cannot promise that any living human being will ever see me in it.)

There were some good things, joyful things today. Had a great Soaring Spirits regional group meeting today - and I got to spend some unexpected time with my old boss (he's not old, just the last boss I had at the Water District before retiring). That was lovely. And I got to bring him up to speed with what's happened this year. My surprise feelings for someone unavailable. My first date. He was beyond shocked because I had been so adamant about never dating, never caring about anyone other than Vern. It felt good to have an in-person conversation about all of that. And with a guy. How about that?  He seems to think I'm pretty fabulous, which felt awfully nice. I had forgotten how good he made me feel about myself.

And then this evening I received some very sad news that just hurts my heart.  Can't speak of it, but just praying with my whole heart.

Life. It just keeps throwing things at us. I'm pretty dang strong. I know that. I've lived that a thousand times during those cancer years. But I just can't seem to get a handle on all of these thoughts that just keep bumping around in my head. It's so not like me. How do I stop feeling what I'm feeling for my unavailable friend?  I think that would just take care of the whole 'do I date or not?' question. But can I be happy spending the rest of my life alone? I honestly don't know. This widowed life makes all of this take on yet another dimension. Oh and let's not forget what aging adds to the mix. 

I'm tired. Maybe that's all this is. I've had a ton of stuff on my to-do list since returning from Camp Widow and I haven't slept well. It's 10pm. I think I'll try to go to sleep and see how things look in the morning.