When I met with the funeral director after Vern passed he handed me this big green box and said it had everything I needed to take care of all of the required paperwork ... but that I could wait to deal with all of that ... 6 months even. Well, we haven't even reached the 4 month mark and I've learned I can no longer ignore some of it. I don't feel like dealing with it - I don't want to take Vern's name off our bank account - but I'm not being given a choice. We've had an account at this credit union since we moved here in 1982, with both of our names on it. But I got a call telling me that they were closing that account because Vern was the primary. What?!? I hate it, but my voice broke and I had to grab those big girl panties once again. Why on earth would they need to close the account? Come to find out, it was because I have an account there in my name and you're not allowed to have two accounts. OK, then why not close that one (it was only opened to secure an auto loan many years ago in my name) and leave our main account intact? The main account is where my paychecks are automatically deposited and where all of my bills are linked to. I'm just not up to having to make all those changes and, luckily, the guy on the other end of the phone heard me (or didn't want to deal with a crying widow). He said they rarely do it, but he could move the money from MY account over to OUR account and change the name on it. Then he started talking about the IRAs Vern had in there - not much, but since Vern would have turned 70 this year it means he would have had to start drawing. More discussion ... and eventually the understanding that those could be transferred over to me without penalties. I offered to come in to sign paperwork, but he said he'd send it. (That makes me laugh ... maybe I scared him and he'd rather not have to deal with me face-to-face?)
And then there's the IRS. I received the anticipated certified letter from them this week detailing the hefty penalties involved. I'm embarrassed to admit that I did not file our taxes the past couple of years. Yes, I know ... it's not like me. Perhaps I was secretly hoping the IRS would knock on the door and take me away to debtors' prison and I wouldn't have to deal with all that I was living with. Stupid? Yes, of course. And I certainly would have fought ever leaving Vern. So why did I do it, and why haven't I dealt with it yet? I honestly don't know. It is the only secret I ever kept from Vern and I'm saddened by that. So another supply of big girl panties is at the ready as I finally tackle this issue.
I received a very complimentary proposal from someone who would like me to work for them. It's been nice to think about, but I'm not ready to make a change there yet. I'll hit 60 this year and 25 years at my company, so there are opportunities for me to consider retiring in the not-too-distant future - when I'm ready. I'd still like to look into getting a place in Florida, but must get all of the IRS stuff settled to see what I can do financially.
I think I'm doing ok overall. Work feels better and I'm trying to get back on top of everything there that might have slipped through the cracks since I have taken so much time off. I've come to terms with those who have disappointed me and have placed those feelings where they need to be so they don't hinder my healing. I have a lot of clean up to do around the house. I've kept far too many things over the years and could probably qualify for one of those 'clean house/hoarder' shows. Losing Vern has emphasized that 'things' or 'stuff' isn't what is important so I think I'll be able to easily donate or toss much of what has accumulated. I joined Angie's List so I can find some good, reliable, trustworthy people to take care of things that need to be done around the house.
I still find a need for solitude on my days off. My biggest emotion these days is sadness that Vern is no longer here to share my life. The tears still come, often at surprising times, but they don't overwhelm me these days. Cocooning brings me comfort, but then when it comes time to return to work I feel guilty for having completely wasted all those hours. I surf the 'Net, read, start a project, stop working on the project, watch movies, make lists, play on Facebook, read blogs, go through old photos, reminisce. Not really productive, but it feels good for me right now to just 'hunker down' in the home Vern and I shared here in Nevada for 27 years.
"When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight." - Khalil Gibran