Monday, September 19, 2011

Peaceful Days

A year ago we were half-way through our hospice experience. Our days there were peaceful and quiet. A time of reflection for me - to appreciate the wonderful life we shared, to recall special times and to share those precious memories with Vern. I did not use that time to prepare for his leaving; I did not ask him questions about what I needed to do after he was gone ... where the safety deposit key was hidden, how to work the pool pump or operate the landscape equipment. That time was all about LOVE, only love.

The courtyard at Nathan Adelson Hospice - September 2010

He only spoke a few words while there. A couple of visitors earned sincerely whispered "thank  you's" and that special eye twinkle for taking the time to stop by to see him. And he repeated loving words over and over again to me that will bless me forever.

I held his hand throughout the days and nights. It was important to me that he not ever feel he was there alone. Throughout his cancer battle I massaged his hands and feet daily with lotion to help ease the neuropathy pain and they were so smooth and soft. I miss those special times of tenderness.

"I dropped a tear in the ocean. 
The day you find it is the day I will stop missing you."
~Author Unknown

A year later, I'm hoping for the return of those peaceful days. Days that will heal my heart and help me find my future. It is time for me to get on with living. To take some good solid steps into this new life of mine. To set some goals for myself - and to make a real effort to reach those goals.

But first I must get through this tough week. I think it's important that I look back to one year ago. To appreciate all that those days brought to me - the love, the tenderness, the closeness, the tears, the heartache, the despair.  This past weekend was not at all peaceful but I am hopeful that I will soon find my way with the help of my faith, my God, and the friends who remain.


Susie Hemingway said...

Oh my dear Dianne I know you will soon find your way to peace. In fact I think you are making such great strides I can read this in your recent posts. Still, this is the first major anniversary and I know how difficult this is, how can the loss vanish? - it is impossible but we must learn to live alongside it.

I wept reading the beginning of this post. The loving kindness of your devoted caring. Vern was so lucky to have you by his side constantly during these oh so difficult years. I too have gone back to this time last year, the great sadness I felt at hearing your news and knowing deep inside that my beloved was to follow shortly.

Again I think we expect too much of ourselves, there are so many memories to deal with and too many to place in order to satisfy our bereaved minds. Allow God to take care of this and gently find the peace that I know will come. Blessings dear friend I think of you often and you are always in my prayers.

Anonymous said...


Your beautiful words bring me back to when I had a very similar experience. It is so very special how you felt during that time. I felt that during the last weeks of my time as a caregiver, I could not have been closer to another person, even after almost 30 years together and 4 kids. I loved your homage to the past and your look to a brighter future.

Here's to you....thank you so much for sharing...


betty obst said... hit a tender spot of my heart with your blog this day. It brought back all those terrible but also wonderful moments at the end. I know where you've been and wish you only strength and peace in the days ahead as Vern would have wanted for you all well.

Lori Puente said...

Marking these milestones and anniversaries are very important in our grieving. Bit by bit, we find our way. You are amazing.

Michele Neff Hernandez said...

I love your words about your last days with Vern, Diane. They are so clearly reflective of both your love for each other, and your sweet, gentle, courageous soul. Love to you this week.


Miss. Him said...

My sweet Dianne,
I am so happy to know that you spent your last precious moments with Vern actually being WITH him. I know it is hard to suddenly take over life after loss but in the end, you gave him everything. So often I see cancer patients left alone in their hospital room and it is heartbreaking.

I have my goals set, now you set yours! I would love to use one another to stay motivated!!! How does that sound?

Many hugs!

Kerrie said...

Dear Sweet Diane! I cannot believe it has been a whole year! I am camping with my hubby, may be the last time we can go. I have everything set up and he is napping. so hard for him now. But so good to get away from appts. for awhile. God Bless you and strengthen you these remembering days....

jaloysisus said...

I am always amazed at the power of your posts, Dianne. In a couple of months it will be a year since my Gwen died, and you are showing me the way. Thank you for that. I shall drop a tear in the ocean. . .