Saturday, September 17, 2011

How could it be time for hospice?

Hospice arrived in our life a year ago today and I honestly did not see it coming. I've reread my Caring Bridge journal from that day and it has brought out so many memories and emotions. I started that morning out thinking there had to be some way I could get him home from the hospital and ended the day following an ambulance to Nathan Adelson Hospice.

I'm grateful that I had those final days with him. We were together and I knew the time was short. I was able to say the things I wanted to say, even though he wasn't able to communicate with me much. I know in my heart he heard every single word and that does give me peace. Other widows have told me I'm lucky to have had those days with him, but it's really hard to feel 'lucky'.  I lost the love of my life ... the man I had spent over 41 years married to ... he completed me ... he supported me ... how can I possibly be much of anything without him?

"You can only come to the morning through the shadows"
J.R.R. Tolkien


Kerrie said...

I feel your pain exactly! No one knows the pain unless they have been through it...I just published a new blog yesterday with all the poetry I write. I included ones that tell the way I feel about my hubby with cancer. I have many more to copy but it seemed important to include those in the first posting of 23. Love and hugs, Kerrie

Flo said...

I lost my husband to Multiple Myeloma 6 years ago, after an intense battle that left me completely drained. His passing was full of love and brings me peace. I read your last line " I lost the love of my life... how can I possibly be much of anything without him?" and know this is how I felt. Almost everything valuable in my life had come to an end when he did, and my life continued to reference his for some time. What was I to do? How was I to love again?

6 years later I have rebuilt a very precious life - mine. I am in love with myself, and I know my late husband would be smiling with this statement, since he was in love with me, too. I started with taking care of myself physically, while my heart and spirit healed. It took me 5 years before I felt the wherewithal to connect freely again with new friends, including men, without identifying myself as a widow. I haven't yet claimed that interpersonal joy you speak of - the support and sense of completion we had with our husbands - though I am accepting the amorous efforts of good men. In the meantime, love is flowing in my life.

Life opens up again, if we trust its goodness. Baby steps is all it takes. God loves us. Let us love ourselves.