Thursday, September 22, 2011

One Year Ago

My life changed forever on September 22, 2010 at 5:08 a.m. as my dear husband slipped from this life and went to Heaven. While I couldn't possibly have wanted him to continue to suffer any longer, letting him go was the hardest thing I've ever done in my life.



So here I am one year later. One year. How can that be?

I'm not where I think I should be at this point. Emotionally ... well, maybe. I have my good and bad days, I don't feel depressed ... just sad. I miss him. He was my one true love and my very best friend for 41 years. I miss being able to talk to him about the little things every day. Tears have been heavy during these past several days, but I guess that was to be expected. There have been other issues, too, that have burdened my heart this past week. Just a big ol' dark cloud hanging over my head.

While I am proud of how I cared for Vern during his cancer battle, I am not proud of how I've let everything else in my personal life go since he left. The house is a wreck, I'm not taking care of things like I should, Vern's things are still in the closet, medical stuff is still stacked in a corner of my bedroom, I'm still leaving mail unopened in stacks on the table, the yard would be a jungle if not for my oh-so-special neighbor Nancy, the wheelchair van still sits undriveable in the driveway. And yet at work I'm organized, efficient, smiling, handling a really huge load right now that keeps me jumping the entire time I'm there. Who the heck am I?  How do I make these two very separate people merge into one?

I'm not sure what the answer is to that, but I am going to finally get started trying to figure it out. For Vern AND for me. Just like I faced each day of Vern's cancer journey with the 'one day at a time' mantra ... I will face this personal mountain one 'bite' at a time. I will follow my special widow friend Crystal's lead and start my "in search of Dianne West" journey with a list of realistic short term goals to accomplish in the next 30 days.

Today is for grieving ... tomorrow begins Day 1 of discovering who I am.

9 comments:

Lori Puente said...

Dianne, I struggled after Dave's treatment was finished in Arkansas. I wondered, "what just happened?" He was heading off to work every morning and I was still not unpacked 2 months after our last trip! I found that I stopped caring about the house, my attire, even sometimes my personal hygiene! All the things I used to enjoy, I just didn't care about anymore. I'm still struggling to bring some balance back. On the one hand, I feel like it's good that things that were so important are in the proper perspective and less so. But some things I really should care a little more about! I think you are right where you ought to be and continue to be awe inspired with how well you are doing in different parts of your life.

Michele Neff Hernandez said...

Today is for grieving and for loving Dianne. I hope you feel the love of every single person who believes in you and is pulling for you as you take those bites out of the mountain. But I especially hope you feel Vern's love today, because that is one thing you will never lose...he will always love you. xo

Patty Kline said...

Dianne, I love you and am praying for you today. I think you are on a good path, and taking it one step, one day at a time, is the way to walk it. I have yet to do many of the things you still need to do, being only 10 days ahead of you in my widowhood. I also am in search of who I am now, of God's purpose for me now. I'm glad I have you and my other "widow sisters" to walk this path with me, and I pray we can do it with the awareness that God is with us too.

tim's wife said...

Sounds like a great plan. I may have to borrow it myself as I have a similar list of "undones and in need of attentions" staring me in the face. Sometimes, it's a "one hour at a time" type of thing, I think.

Craig said...

Yeah, one nibble at a time. That's about the best I can do, too. I'm leaving a lot of the nibbles for the end-of-year holidays when I'll have my daughter and sister-in-law around to help. I'm kind of amazed, though, at how big the task is. Just yesterday I ran into a couple more drawers full of home-healthcare stuff. I thought I'd gotten all of it out of the house. It's everywhere. Little by little, though, we'll carry on. Right? Right! Big hugs from Indiana, Dianne....

Tracy L. said...

Sending you huge hugs and lots of love. I thought about you all day. ♥♥♥♥♥

p.s. don't worry about the stuff in the future. it takes care of itself in it's own time

Sarah said...

Dianne: So many thoughts, and prayers coming your way. Your postings for yesterday, and today, brought tears to my eyes and left a lump, in my throat.

Thanks for bearing your soul, and sharing.

The photo you used reminded me of a poem....

"If tears could build a pathway, and memories a lane, I'd rush right up to heaven and bring you home again"

Hugs.....

Miss. Him said...

Dianne, I am your cheerleader! I can't wait witness growth and progress for each of us!!!

feresaknit said...

I was so glad to read that you were proud of yourself at the way you looked after Vern, because so you should be.

As to everything else if work keeps you occupied that's good, surely everything else will slowly fall into place when you're ready. My Uncle Jim died just over two years ago and my Auntie En cleared his clothes out quite quickly but there is still a pair of his slippers at the side of 'his' chair. And my Dad never got round to clearing the majority of my Mum's clothes - I did that when he died 10 years later. You just keep doing whatever it takes to keep going in the knowledge that Vern would want you to be happy again. xx