Thursday, December 22, 2011

The 22nd snuck up on me ...

It's been nearly 3 weeks since I've written here. I've thought about writing a blog post but just haven't felt like it. Just like so very many other things in my life. I'm really good at ignoring things I don't feel like doing. But I really have been busy ... new job, still doing old job, a big meeting/holiday event at work, clearing out my old office and storage room at work, Jer's graduation ... some really good moments, and yet trying to avoid the holidays without anyone really noticing. The tree went up weeks ago, but there are still no ornaments. I opened the box. I tried. But there are 41 years of memories in that box and I'm just not able to do that. Yet. Maybe next year.

I'm off work now until January 2, so I didn't set an alarm for this morning. Climbed into bed around midnight and actually got nearly 8 hours sleep with only 2 wake-ups. That's unheard of for me. My norm is about 4 hours with 1 wake-up.  But I awoke this morning feeling kind of melancholy.  I have no food in the frig, the house is a mess, my Keurig stopped working, my laptop went bonkers. I actually hollered out loud when the laptop snafu happened. "Enough!!!!!"  And then I noticed the date. Ah. OK. Now I get it. It's been 15 months since I lost Vern. 1 year and 3 months. 456 days. Today. Yeah, the 22nd snuck up on me.

So I just accepted today was going to be one of THOSE days. Tomorrow will be better.

And there ARE good things happening in my life ... I know that and I appreciate that.
  • Jeremy graduated from the Nevada School of Massage Therapy and will be starting a Master Bodyworker program in January. He's finally found his passion. 
  • I love my new job and recognize how lucky I am to have this new, amazingly kind boss and a new set of co-workers I'm getting to know better.
  • I'm writing positive posts in Widowed Village, hoping to help others who are struggling; and I volunteer there on weekends processing new members. 
  • I share posts on Facebook and Pinterest and play Words With Friends - and I joke and laugh. 
  • I enjoyed the Michael Jackson 'Immortal' Cirque show with a couple of friends last week. 
  • Someone at work has sent me anonymous gifts each day for the "Twelve Days of Christmas", a wonderfully kind thing to do that brought me joy.
I'm trudging along, putting on a pretty darn good front, if I say so myself, feeling that no one really wants to hear that this is still not easy.
So today was tough and I stayed in my jammies all day long. I ordered pizza delivery for dinner and I'll start fresh tomorrow. Oil change for one of the cars, grocery shopping, maybe I'll even put up one of my nativity scenes. Vern knew how much I enjoyed them and bought me a couple over the years. Think I may look for that box before I head to bed.

Sunday, December 4, 2011

Letting the tears flow

I started a blog post yesterday that would have had a completely different focus than the one I need to write today. I felt really good. I got that job I wanted! I've accomplished some things on my to-do list. I felt positive about my future. I even put up my Christmas tree.

And then today arrived and the tears will not stop. So many triggers. I could easily have just not posted anything today, but then that wouldn't be true to myself or to the other widows who share this journey with me. I know this is normal. I've written many posts of encouragement to others about this. The roller coaster of grief. Feel what you feel. Live it. Breathe it. And it will heal you.

So I have taken my own advice and spent the day with my tears. Big, wallowing, sobbing, ugly tears.  Tears for Vern ... for his suffering ... for how much I miss him ... how much I love him ... for the loss of the dreams we had for our future ... for the loss of my joy in the holidays ... for my aloneness ... for the fears I have of my own future.

While I was writing this post my new boss actually sent me a wonderful text message. It reminded me that I am truly blessed. Tomorrow is a new day. My first full day at the new job. I know I will awake feeling better, ready to move into whatever the future holds for me, carrying Vern in my heart.

P.S.   I changed the tv channel to Andrea Bocelli's PBS special and what song does he choose to sing at that exact moment?  "More" - the song sung at our wedding.  One final grief burst before turning in. Bring on Monday.