Sunday, December 4, 2011

Letting the tears flow

I started a blog post yesterday that would have had a completely different focus than the one I need to write today. I felt really good. I got that job I wanted! I've accomplished some things on my to-do list. I felt positive about my future. I even put up my Christmas tree.

And then today arrived and the tears will not stop. So many triggers. I could easily have just not posted anything today, but then that wouldn't be true to myself or to the other widows who share this journey with me. I know this is normal. I've written many posts of encouragement to others about this. The roller coaster of grief. Feel what you feel. Live it. Breathe it. And it will heal you.

So I have taken my own advice and spent the day with my tears. Big, wallowing, sobbing, ugly tears.  Tears for Vern ... for his suffering ... for how much I miss him ... how much I love him ... for the loss of the dreams we had for our future ... for the loss of my joy in the holidays ... for my aloneness ... for the fears I have of my own future.

While I was writing this post my new boss actually sent me a wonderful text message. It reminded me that I am truly blessed. Tomorrow is a new day. My first full day at the new job. I know I will awake feeling better, ready to move into whatever the future holds for me, carrying Vern in my heart.

P.S.   I changed the tv channel to Andrea Bocelli's PBS special and what song does he choose to sing at that exact moment?  "More" - the song sung at our wedding.  One final grief burst before turning in. Bring on Monday.


Lori Puente said...

Wow! Congratulations on your new position. I'm so happy for you to have this change in your life and something for you to get excited about and have new challenges of accomplishment.

I feel your deeply your grieving. While it can be less constant, the heaviness of the loss often remains quite profound. Even after all the years (40) of losing my father, I still have my moments where I just miss him so. Thank you for continuing to share in your journey. It means a lot to so many of us. To allow us to share in your triumphs and your sorrows as well as your new adventures.


Barbara said...

I completely understand. I can not face the holiday. I am escaping. I want to give you the biggest hug

We are going to both be ok. You know why? Because we both experienced the greatest love possible withbeachbof our husbands. And we have those thoughts memories and feelings deeply embedded in our heart.

We have angels waiting for us.

Have a wonderful. Holiday.



tim's wife said...

Congrats on your new job. And if that was not a sign of Vern saying he is with you(when that song came on), I don't know what is. But, of course, it's not nearly the same as being by your side in person and my prayers go out to you as you navigate this holiday season.

Teri said...

I would have those days of intense crying after something good happened. You got the job, but you were crying because you didn't have anyone to share it with. It has happened to me, too. Hugs to you.

Kerrie said...

Dianne, I am so feeling your grief and it has not happened to Bill as yet!! I am all the things you said you are experiencing and cannot imagine myself going on without him! I know God will get us through but it sure hurts. He is having a concentrated lower back radiation on Friday to try to alleviate his horrid pain. I will be praying for you and for your new Job! The holidays are the hardest, I know but with the new job, you will be doing well once they are over. Love and hugs, Kerrie♥

jaloysisus said...

Dianne; first of all, congratulations on your new job. Thanks for posting that quote from Washington Irving; it's one of my favorites.

There must be something in the air today; I've been blue and tearful all day too.

Anonymous said...

You go girl,congrats !! Haven't had a chance to stop by and see how you are doing ,and was so happy to see what you are embarking on. I know you will just truely impress them all.

Look at the dust bunnies and house cleaning as practicing for retirement. When you have all the time in the world to do it , but don' go walk the beach, read a book , do some cherity work and never worry about the dust bunnies. I know this is such a hard season for all of you that share lifes tragedy of losing the one you love. My thoughts and prayers are with you and will touch base again.
Be proud of yourself and drive on. Vern is there pushing you every step of the way.

Anonymous said...

dianne, the quote by washington irving - so touching, so true, especially "unspeakable love". your tears pay witness to that phrase and there must be some profound release when they flow so freely. perhaps those tears also help send your message of enduring and deepest love to vern. and he wanted you to know he is sending that same message to you - "unspeakable", but surely not between two souls, bound eternally as your's is with vern, he with you.

i wish you comfort and peace, and am thrilled you got the job you were so hoping for. thank you for expressing your grief so eloquently - i am sure it has helped so many others who are struggling through the holidays, knowing they are not alone. warm hugs to you, dianne - xo, karen