Sunday, December 4, 2011
Letting the tears flow
I started a blog post yesterday that would have had a completely different focus than the one I need to write today. I felt really good. I got that job I wanted! I've accomplished some things on my to-do list. I felt positive about my future. I even put up my Christmas tree.
And then today arrived and the tears will not stop. So many triggers. I could easily have just not posted anything today, but then that wouldn't be true to myself or to the other widows who share this journey with me. I know this is normal. I've written many posts of encouragement to others about this. The roller coaster of grief. Feel what you feel. Live it. Breathe it. And it will heal you.
So I have taken my own advice and spent the day with my tears. Big, wallowing, sobbing, ugly tears. Tears for Vern ... for his suffering ... for how much I miss him ... how much I love him ... for the loss of the dreams we had for our future ... for the loss of my joy in the holidays ... for my aloneness ... for the fears I have of my own future.
While I was writing this post my new boss actually sent me a wonderful text message. It reminded me that I am truly blessed. Tomorrow is a new day. My first full day at the new job. I know I will awake feeling better, ready to move into whatever the future holds for me, carrying Vern in my heart.
P.S. I changed the tv channel to Andrea Bocelli's PBS special and what song does he choose to sing at that exact moment? "More" - the song sung at our wedding. One final grief burst before turning in. Bring on Monday.