Random Thoughts

Our annual employee recognition week arrives on Monday and that's my big project. It was so frantically busy this week with event preparations that time just flew by and I didn't have a spare moment during the day to think about my sadness. Nights and weekends, however, are still difficult. I'm a little concerned about how I will cope once the event is over. Will I be able to go to work and get into a 'normal' routine or will the grief and loss hit me between the eyes and knock me out? I'm not making any specific plans just yet, but I may take some time off. I promised Vern that I would get the garage cleared out so I can park my car in there and be safe. That project will take quite awhile as I can be quite the packrat. I may even venture over to the ocean for a long weekend. The trip to Hana is on the horizon; not sure when I'll feel up to that.

Last Monday was a tear-free day. It hit me when I got home that I hadn't cried on my way into work and the drive back home, as I had been doing daily. As soon as that thought came into my mind; however, the guilt set in. How could I not have cried? I still miss Vern terribly. I didn't need to worry too much about this ... the daily tears returned the next day and haven't let up. I'm not afraid of the tears - they're a good release when my emotions are raw.

I am blessed to have so many cyber friends. An old friend from back east commented about how pleased she was that I had so many friends out here to support me because she read their messages on CaringBridge. She was shocked when I told her that most were people I had never met. MM patients and caregivers are a mighty strong and loving group. And now two of my dearest caregiver friends are suffering. One's husband entered hospice this week and the other received devastating news yesterday and is faced with some big decisions. My heart hurts for both of them, as I know how very hard these decisions are to make.

I surprised myself and joined some co-workers for dinner at Bahama Breeze after work yesterday. I had agreed to attend before Vern passed and after everything changed I really didn't think I would be up to going. The gal who organizes these occasional get-togethers is so special, however, that I just couldn't let her down by not showing. So I headed over there fully expecting to just stay for a few minutes and leave before dinner. Instead, I ordered dinner and enjoyed myself talking about normal things and sharing some laughter. Yes, I did have some tears on the way home - but I think Vern was happy to see me do it. He knows how easy it is for me to 'hunker down' at home and not venture out anywhere. So it was a step in the right direction. Dana suggested our group's next outing be line dancing at Stoney's ... it may be awhile before I'm up for that.

I'm not blog-savvy and haven't been able to figure out how to post links here, so that's why the last two posts contain articles I wanted to reference. Bear with me please.