Baby Steps

This weekend started with sadness at the one month 'anniversary' of Vern's passing, but moved on to some better sleep and a cleaned kitchen.  That's some progress, I think.

I work a 4-10 schedule, so I have Fridays off. They used to overflow with Vern's dialysis treatments, doc appointments and chemo treatments ... but now are a blank slate for me to try to fill.  I had planned to spend the day with my son as we both learn to find a way through our grief. He was going to a local PGA tourney while I shopped in the morning and then we were going to see a movie and have dinner ... but that didn't happen. I spent the entire day in my jammies, doing not much of anything at all - other than feeling lonely and sad. He stayed out all night with friends, trying to work his way through his feelings, and ended up sleeping the day away. I guess it's too soon for us to make plans ahead of time. It's more important to go with what each day brings. This wasn't Jer's fault - even if he hadn't gone out, I just didn't have it in me to leave the house that day and have to interact with others.

A co-worker gave me a bottle of wine to try and I may have found something to help me sleep better. No, I didn't drink the whole thing ... but a glass or two of wine in the evening has helped me have a sounder sleep the past two nights. I still stay up until after midnight, but feel more rested when I awake. Not sure whether I'll try it during the work week as those nights are much shorter.

I had a dream Thursday night where I heard Vern call "Dianne" as he used to do during the night when he needed me. I sat right up and answered him, as usual ... and then looked at the recliner and he wasn't there. Jer came out of his room to find out what was going on - guess I responded louder than I thought.  It brought tears - but also a little peace as I felt Vern reaching out to me. Yes, I'm still sleeping in the hospital bed in the family room; although I spent a couple of nights in his recliner, too, when I was really missing him. Just not ready to put the bed away - and his recliner will stay here forever. Jer and I both find it peaceful to sit in it.

I do feel I'm making some progress and think I'm going to take some time off to get some things done around here. I spent yesterday cleaning up the kitchen and tossing expired things out of the cupboards and frig. It felt good, so I think getting some of the other messes cleared out will be helpful, too.  I've even scheduled an appointment to get my hair cut and colored at a salon Nov. 5.  Baby steps.

Have decided I don't want to be here for Christmas, so planning to take some time off then, too.  Wasn't sure where I wanted to go but then the idea of heading to Florida came to mind. Vern had wanted to travel there to see my older brother but he just wasn't up to the long plane ride so we never made it.  So Jer and I will be flying out sometime in December.  My brother lives in Okeechobee and I have a dear cousin in Daytona Beach I'd love to see. Would also like to drive down to the Keys; never been there and I'd like to conquer my fear of bridges by driving that really long one. Going to contact my friend the travel agent this week to see what we can set up.

I'm going to try a GriefShare support group this Tuesday night after work and also signed up for a professionally-facilitated online support group on Thursday.  Neither of them are widow-specific, so I may not find them helpful. I'm participating in a couple of  Facebook pages dedicated to widows, which I do relate to. Initially was scared off by the "young widow" designation, but I've been welcomed and was told I still fit that window. Made me smile.