Alone

I haven't ventured away from the house since I 'brought Vern home' on Friday. Haven't been answering the phone or doorbell either. I don't think I'm depressed ... just sad ... and going out to do "normal" things just isn't something I've felt like doing.

I will put on my big girl panties when I head off to work tomorrow and will do my best to keep the tears at bay and just concentrate on work. So I guess the weekends are ok to just be about me. Learning to be alone. Finding a place to put my sadness. I know I have many friends who want me to get out and do things with them. I'm just not ready for that yet. I think I'll know when the time is right.

Today feels better than Friday, so that's some progress - but I'm guessing there will be lots of steps backward along with the steps forward. I had planned to go over to hospice on Friday to see what resources are available there, but just didn't feel up to going back there yet. We entered on a Friday evening, so I think I missed out on the 'orientation' of what all they provide.

I'd like to stop by the dialysis center and the oncology office to thank the staff and say good-bye, but just driving down the street to get to the dialysis center brought me to tears. We traveled that road 3 times a week for a year and a half. And we were at the onc's office for over 4 years. It's hard to not do something. It feels like I need to be sure they remember Vern and how hard he fought and if I just disappear, that won't happen. But I know I'm not ready for that yet.

I shared the story of our street sparkles on our Caring Bridge site (www.caringbridge.org/visit/vernwest). There were still some there on Friday when I went over to the mortuary, but we've had some rain since then so I'm wondering if they're still out there. Guess I'll need to go outside to check. Maybe I can even get in the car and get some groceries. I'll try.