Friday, October 15, 2010

Time to Heal - Day 1

So very much has occurred this past month:

  • 4 days spent 24/7 with Vern in the hospital
  • 4 days spent 24/7 with Vern in hospice
  • Vern's passing
  • 4 days of preparing for his service
  • 1 day off work
  • 16 days non-stop preparing for work event

The work event was this week - Celebrating You Week - with the big luncheon held yesterday (an annual appreciation luncheon and award ceremony for 1100 employees). It was a success. Oh, there were a couple who complained about the food and I had a typo in the program (argh!) but overall it was a hugely successful and positive event for everyone. So now it has ended. No more very long hours at the office ... no more very long hours spent each night working on the details and making tissue paper flowers for the centerpieces ... no more ....

I've been getting by on 2-3 hours of sleep each night this week, but made some of that up last night. Had a scary drive home from work, as I caught myself sliding into the other traffic lane three times after dozing off a bit. Turned the radio on loud and the air conditioner full blast to get me safely home. I tried to sit at the computer, but immediately dozed off, so decided to head to bed at 7:30pm and slept until 5:30am. Do I feel better? No. I feel like I'm in a fog and I ache all over. But I think that's just a result of a very tough work week and a very old and out of shape body lifting things I shouldn't have. That will improve as the day progresses, I'm sure.

So I guess now it's time to begin the healing process and I'm not quite sure where to start. Many have said I need to take time for 'me' ... but 'me' is all I have now and I don't think I remember how to do that. I am proud of the way I cared for Vern during his 4+ year MM journey, but admit I wasn't good at all in taking care of me. I only went out shopping when I absolutely had to, I cut and colored my own hair ... I wanted to be with Vern whenever I didn't have to be at work and I took it to extreme. Before Vern passed, he told me he wanted me to go get my hair cut at a salon. I asked if my cuts looked that bad and we chuckled over it. But now, instead of not wanting to leave him, these mundane tasks just seem so very unimportant.

So today is Day 1 and I will try to make a step forward. I had worried that once the frantic pace of my work project ended I would crash and burn. I don't feel that way today. I'm feeling sad and the tears have started up, but I'm not depressed and I'm not concerned. As I look around the family room, I see I could easily spend the next month just getting things cleaned up and organized around here. The last month's mail and newspapers are in piles around the room. So that will be my task for today. To see if there are any important things in that unbelievably huge pile of mail.


Michael said...

Writing is a great release. Crying is a great release. Talking to Vern and hearing his voice in your head is a release.
More than getting to those projects...releasing is the most important!


Luci said...

I agree with Michael...writing is a great release. I've also learned that writing a letter to someone -- like Vern -- is also a great release. Your letter would be very different than mine, but I wrote a letter to my dad that I had no intention of sending and "told him" how I felt. It was like getting it off my chest. You could also write a letter to God, even if it has some anger in it. He'll understand! He loves you unconditionally like me and your family and friends.

Susie Hemingway said...

Thinking about you and how you are coping now, I turned to your page. How difficult it is when folk say take time for yourself now, when all you desire and need is to have your man back. Still, it is true, you need this healing time but slowly, this is all part of the mending process. Like you I never go to the hairdressers, well not in years, I see to all that myself, never wantng to leave Hamada for longer than is necessary. I get a lot of "you need a holiday" and "why don't you have a little break". Many friends kindly suggesting that they come in and look after Hamada and let me take some rest.How good is that and it all sounds wonderful and they would probably do a much better job than me. But how would I really be able to relax away, when all I would be doing is worrying about what would be happening at home and who knows Hamada best and what he needs - well me. Still I do believe that as the days and weeks pass, you will start to pick-up and attend to all these things you think about now but there is no rush is there and this is your time to re-coup and also catch-up on that much needed sleep if you can. I'm sending love and all positive thoughts for your wellbeing - stay strong Dianne X

Melinda said...

So glad that project is over for you, Dianne. You will feel better if you go out and do some things for yourself. Vern would want you to do that. Yes, those are mundane things but they are also things that will help make you feel better when you look at yourself in the mirror.
Can't wait to hear about it when you go out and do something for yourself. Get a manicure, a massage, a haircut whatever you need for a treat. Sounds like a massage is needed after Thurs. night. A manicure and haircut would make you feel good when you look in the mirror or when you see your hands at work. :)