Last Friday was spent finalizing arrangements at the funeral home, gathering photos and making photo boards for the service, a couple of hours at the office ... the day passed pretty quickly and wasn't filled with non-stop tears. The service was on Sunday and I held up surprisingly well. So many people came by - many I never expected to see, some I haven't seen in years - but the love in that room filled many of the holes in my soul from the past 4+ years. It helped that that person in the casket just didn't look like my Vern. Those twinkling eyes and little smile made the man - and without seeing them, it made it easier for both our son and me to remember that he wasn't there. He's finally out of pain and at peace in Heaven.
I returned to work on Tuesday. Had planned to go in on Monday, but just couldn't keep the tears at bay so figured I'd best take an extra day. My first 3 days back at work went well. I was so busy that I kept focused on my projects and could keep my wandering thoughts from consuming me. Tears were a little closer to the surface on Thursday, and I found myself not being able to stop crying during my drive home from work.
And here I am at Friday again. (I work a 4/10 schedule, so I have Fridays off.) Our Fridays were always such busy days. Awake at 3:30am to give Vern some meds and get him dressed. He'd fall back asleep for an hour and then it was time to get into the wheelchair, hook up the portable oxygen and head off to his 3-hour dialysis treatment. He received weekly chemo treatments on Fridays, and also had his weekly oncologist appointment. The day just flew by.
Today is my first real 'alone' Friday. I've spent time reading other widow's blogs, surfing for grief counseling, reading Facebook entries. I'm lost. And yet I have one big task I must do today. The mortuary called and Vern's ashes and death certificates are ready for me to pick up. I'm not sure how difficult this is going to be.