Friday, October 1, 2010

What a difference a week makes

Last Friday was spent finalizing arrangements at the funeral home, gathering photos and making photo boards for the service, a couple of hours at the office ... the day passed pretty quickly and wasn't filled with non-stop tears. The service was on Sunday and I held up surprisingly well. So many people came by - many I never expected to see, some I haven't seen in years - but the love in that room filled many of the holes in my soul from the past 4+ years. It helped that that person in the casket just didn't look like my Vern. Those twinkling eyes and little smile made the man - and without seeing them, it made it easier for both our son and me to remember that he wasn't there. He's finally out of pain and at peace in Heaven.

I returned to work on Tuesday. Had planned to go in on Monday, but just couldn't keep the tears at bay so figured I'd best take an extra day. My first 3 days back at work went well. I was so busy that I kept focused on my projects and could keep my wandering thoughts from consuming me. Tears were a little closer to the surface on Thursday, and I found myself not being able to stop crying during my drive home from work.

And here I am at Friday again. (I work a 4/10 schedule, so I have Fridays off.) Our Fridays were always such busy days. Awake at 3:30am to give Vern some meds and get him dressed. He'd fall back asleep for an hour and then it was time to get into the wheelchair, hook up the portable oxygen and head off to his 3-hour dialysis treatment. He received weekly chemo treatments on Fridays, and also had his weekly oncologist appointment. The day just flew by.

Today is my first real 'alone' Friday. I've spent time reading other widow's blogs, surfing for grief counseling, reading Facebook entries. I'm lost. And yet I have one big task I must do today. The mortuary called and Vern's ashes and death certificates are ready for me to pick up. I'm not sure how difficult this is going to be.


Anonymous said...

Hi Dianne - when my Dad died suddenly, in his sleep between Christmas night and Boxing day morning, although I basically wailed like a banshee when we found him - my husband could not believe how little I cried after. Once I was out of my teens there wasn't a cross word between us. I knew how much he loved me and I loved him, so although he went suddenly there was nothing that was left unsaid and no loose ends to tie up. That said I couldn't bring myself to go and pick up his ashes. My husband went months later and it was even more months before I could put them on my mum's grave. I realise that this is no help whatsoever! Will be keeping you in mind - and now that sounds like a threat! ;)

Kathy said...

This is a beautiful blog. I've often thought of doing this now instead of updating carepages/caringbridge but in my case...the loss of a grandson is different than the loss of a husband. I'm not sure anyone would care much about how I'm doing.
I'm amazed that you returned to work so quickly, yet at the same time, like for us...the fight lasted SO long, that "normal" (what's THAT?) seemed so desired.

Susie Hemingway said...

Having waited a little before leaving a few words here. I wanted to convey how extremely brave I think you are for starting this blog when you must be so very weary and desperately sad. It will be such a great help to many who have yet to face this time. My heartfelt sympathy goes to you dear Dianne and as you already know, I can only pull the words from my heart in the way I know best. I have written a little verse, which I hope fits well with how you are feeling right now. I truly hope it brings tears of comfort. It will be posted later today on and also

Please don't rush your grieving Dianne, it is so important to your well being. Take much courage in the knowledge that dear Vern would want you to stay well and continue with all these lovely memories of the wonderful life you shared. We continue with our daily prayers for you, that you will find comfort and peace.x

Lora said...

Dear Dianne - I am going to follow you on this blog. This is a great idea to release your true feelings and share with others who understand your grief. It's a good way to "talk" about what's on your mind since you live alone - I understand that also as a single person. Take your time and do what feels right for you. I hope you do take some time off. You've worked so hard and done so much for Vern that a bit of respite for yourself sounds like a really good idea. You will continue to be in my prayers. I wish you well, dear friend. ~Lora