Sunday, April 3, 2011

Alone

Being alone is hard ... being alone after spending 41 years with the love of my life is nearly impossible.  The aloneness is consuming. He's not here. He won't ever be here again.  I  miss Vern. I will always miss him. It's not a matter of accepting invitations from friends to do things with them or just getting myself out of the house for a ride or shopping or whatever. Those are things that take up time. They are distractions. They don't do anything to take away my aloneness, my sadness. It's here waiting for me. Always.

It's been a rough week or so. I've felt consumed by this overpowering sadness. Nothing in particular brought it on. It just arrived. On its own. And it won't leave.

I'm able to tuck it under cover during my work hours. Mostly. A few do see through my facade. Very few. But since I can do that, I know I'm not in some deep depression that needs to be addressed. I just need to absorb it, learn how I can live with it, how I can move forward without him.

I will. I know I will. Because that's what he would expect me to do. I was always able to do the things he thought I could do - even when I didn't think I had it in me. So I'll get past this. I will. For Vern.

11 comments:

Lori Puente said...

You are a strong woman of great courage and grace. Even though I expect at times you don't think so.

Warm hugs to you in those difficult moments Dianne!

Best,

Lori

cancerwidow said...

I know how alone you feel, 'cause I feel it too. The distractions are fine but they can't sustain me. I can't live as if he never existed. Hugs.

janis said...

Ow Sweetie~
I'm so sorry. Breathe and be strong. You are in my prayers.

Anonymous said...

I don't feel the loneliness that you do Diane, because it was my daughter, not my husband, who left us. She was on her own with grown children and her own life so we don't feel the daily aloneness that the loss of a spouse would leave.

However, it is uncanny how the sadness can just pop in without us hardly even realizing it and when we are most unprepared. I was cleaning out a lot of old medical paperwork today and stopped to read one on recognizing the signs of when a loved one was almost ready to pass. As I was reading, I suddenly became aware that I was crying. Even after I wiped up, and put the paperwork away, they continued to flow. Even when I told my husband about it later, they came back. That cloud of sadness and longing that pushes down on us when the loss becomes too much to bear.

Sending good thoughts, Karma, love, hugs and prayers your way my friend.

Anonymous said...

Sorry...that last post was from me....can't figure out what "Profile" to use. Betty Obst

Sarah said...

Dianne: Those of us, walking behind you, cannot even imagine how this must be....how it will be.

In my thoughts, and heart, you are.

Blessings,

Anonymous said...

I have no words that can ease this pain, only prayers that the pain willgrow les and less intense. You and Vern had a special love and that will be there for eternity and although it might seem like eternity before you see him again, life is so very short, Talk to him everyday, adk him to hekp you through this and he will. He hears your every word. I may be in away but my prayers are aklways with you. I will give Vern a little "poke" and tell him to get busy helping you.
God bless and keep you.
G

Michael said...

Being aware of these things is a sign that you are healthy! You are normal. The void you are experiencing may seem overwhelming...it is overwhelming, but it does get easier baby! Know that it does! Keep writing...and we'll keep reading, listening, responding...we'll help you through it as will your memories and conversations with Vern will also.

jaloysisus said...

Thanks for expressing so well the inexpressible, Diane. I too know what that crushing loneliness feels like and how we put on our masks when we go out to face the world. I know there's nothing I can say to make it go away or make it easier, so I won't try. Keep writing your inspirational blog.

Susie Hemingway said...

I've had a few bad days also - I attended a funeral in the village this Monday and I was crying for my Man lying in the graveyard just outside the church door and not for the lady I hardly knew.I have been taking some comfort in the poem I wrote for you back then and Dear Dianne, you will get past this time again,you will for Vern.

Joyceann Wycoff said...

Dianne ... you might want to read what I wrote some time ago about being alone ... http://joycewycoff.blogspot.com/2009/09/joyful-angst-of-solitude.html. Call it solitude, loneliness or whatever ... I called it a howling wolf. However, a year and a half and many changes later, it howls less frequently.