I had a quiet Easter weekend ... Friday was the 7 month mark. It often feels like everyone has just forgotten that Vern ever existed. I know that's probably not true, but since I hear from no one it sure feels that way. So I wrapped myself up in my sorrows and just let the weight of it all consume me. Just have to do that sometimes. Monday it was back to a busy work week and I figured all would be well there, as usual. Time for my 'happy face'.
Haven't been to a doctor since we got Vern's cancer diagnosis (well, actually I can't use that as an excuse since it's really been more like 7 years since my last visit). So I decided it was time to have a full physical so I'd know what I need to address before I head off into retirement. I've had the pap, a chest xray, the labs and mammogram; will have my first colonoscopy on May 20 and then a final visit for all of the results on May 27. Had to meet with the gastro doc before he'd schedule the colonoscopy. I don't have any big issues, so he said I was his easiest appointment that day... although his next words were "You know you need to lose weight." Umm - ok, yes, I do - but I didn't expect this chubby little gastro doc to tell me that (oh dear, that was a rather snarky comment, wasn't it?). I actually found myself chuckling about his comment on my way back to work. I'm glad I'll be under anesthesia when he sees the rest of me during the colonoscopy! Actually, I had already started trying to lose some weight. Went back to the nutritionist who helped me lose 35 pounds back in 2003. Lost 7.5 the first week, 2.5 the second and 1.5 the third ... but the news in the next paragraph caused me to jump back into some of my bad habits.
I had just gotten back to the office when my cell phone rang. It was the doctor's office that is doing the physical. They see something in the mammogram and want to do an ultrasound and a spot mammogram ... and they also see something in the chest xray and need to do a CTscan. Ohhh ... really didn't expect to hear that. This news brought back memories of when Vern would receive bad news and I was there to support and encourage him. But he's not here for me now. I know that this could be absolutely nothing and they just need to do these tests to rule everything out. But after all we've been through I immediately started thinking of the worse case scenario. And I'll admit I was rather angry. After all I've experienced during the past 5 years I really thought I had earned a free pass from any of this stuff. The nurse said they had given the order to Steinberg and requested a quick approval from my insurance company. Now I had to wait for the call to schedule the tests.
I initially felt I would just keep this to myself until I got the test results, but since I couldn't seem to get this out of my head I went ahead and posted something on the widow's web site I'm heavily involved in. Only a couple responded. Ouch. I then mentioned this during my online bereavement support group on Thursday ... very little support there. It hurt. This caused me to do some heavy introspection. I spend a lot of time online, trying to provide support to others who are grieving. I felt I was making a difference and yet when I needed support it wasn't there. Perhaps I need to back away for awhile.
And then came Friday and today when my friend, Deb, and I attended the Women of Faith conference at the Thomas & Mack Center. What a wonderful, healing gift that was. Laughter, tears, praise, wonderful inspirational speakers, glorious music. It brought me back to reality. The tests will be done on Thursday and worrying about them between now and then will not change a thing. I will wait for the results and then either rejoice or ask God for help in dealing with whatever comes my way.
Note: During my quiet Easter weekend I spent a lot of time on the internet. Found the Silent Sunday link and liked the idea, so you'll see a photo each Sunday without any comments. We're supposed to pick a photo that represents our previous week, if possible. Last week's was a bouquet from Vern's rose garden for Easter that I set alongside the wooden box containing his ashes.