Friday, April 22, 2011

Tough day

No phone calls requested, no visits wanted ... not asking for any 'interventions'. Please no sympathy. It is what it is. I just need to actually type this out so I can leave it here and try to move on.

Today is 7 months. Leading up to it this week, I thought I'd be able to handle it quite well. Had plans to get outside to clean up Vern's rosebed, do a little shopping for the first time (besides groceries), get some organizing done here at home. Instead, I got very little sleep last night, have spent all morning on the computer and I'm in tears. I need to leave here in 30 minutes for a mammogram, so must get myself back on top of things. I must. No one wants to deal with a crying widow. Actually, no one cares.

Had a really horrible incident with Jeremy last night. My hopes and dreams of him turning a corner have been dashed. I was a real mess last night. Sobs of despair, loss, having to do this on my own. I did think I was a little better this morning. Jumped into my Widowed Village chat room for a pick-me-up but no one was there. I typed to myself a bit - got this out there - and later a couple people came into the room. I went into my 'supportive, earth mother' role (that's what my widower friend John calls me). I put my issues on the back burner and tried to support others. It was working. I was feeling better. And then I shared my issue with my son. Suddenly, both chatters were busy and had to leave the room. Ouch. Now I do realize that their leaving probably had absolutely nothing to do with me. Really, I do. But when you're emotions are raw you just react to things differently. So after yet another good cry and feeling sorry for myself, I decided to just write this. I won't be posting it on Facebook or WV. It's for me. I can be selfish sometimes. I deserve to be.


janis said...

Yes you do deserve.
Write your heart out. Grieve. Say what you need. Writing is so theraputic.
Know you are loved & I am saying a special shut out to the Lord to look over you and give you comfort.
Love & prayers~

tim's wife said...

I know it feels somedays like noone cares but so many of us do. WE care, we understand. It's a darn rough Easter/spring to be sure. There are so many of us feeling so broken of spirit,
myself included. I read Susie's newest poem and I had just been imagining the other day that that must be exactly what it feels like to be widowed. A month goes by, six, a year....and you keep feeling like you are going to see them again, hear their voice. It seems so unnatural that they are not there. You are stuck in this endless wait that never seems to end. I'm so sorry about your troubles with Jeremy. No one can hurt us more than the ones we love simply because we care so much for them. I don't know what to say to make you feel better today. I am sure better days are coming.It's so hard sometimes to keep picking yourself up and dusting yourself off after those tough lows but somehow, we just do it. Sending you a big hug from Jersey. And I am NEVER too busy for you if you need someone to talk to.

Boo said...

Dianne, you are a giver in this life. But givers also need to be given to ... and it hurts if that doesn't happen. I've been having a hard time recently and haven't been on WV which I feel bad about ... just wanted to let you know that I would not have walked out of the room on you my friend x

jaloysisus said...

Dianne, I've been busy, didn't get a chance to comment until now. If ever anyone had the right to "sit on the pity potty" for a while it's you. Also, to me "earth mother" is a good thing. You're a big grown-up woman now, and you will always land on your feet. I'm reminded of something I wrote when I first started blogging, something my therapist told me: "when grief has us on our face in the dirt we must find the strength to stand up straight." I don't know how it is with you, but for me I only find that strength in the loving kindness that you and many others have shown me. Chin up!

Am I Truly A Widow? said...

Why shouldn't we be selfish? What we have gone through is not easy. your right they probably didn't do it on purpose, because just like us they are probably feeling selfish too. Why not?
I hope things go a little better. I know my wild child gave me great grief on top of grief. He's much better now! Growing up.