Wednesday, February 23, 2011

Missing him ....

Yesterday was the 22nd - the 5 month mark since Vern's passing - and yet today was harder for me.  I had worried that I was putting too much emphasis on these 'anniversary' dates, giving the 22nd more power than it deserved.  Perhaps not.

I was surprised at how good I felt yesterday. No tears on the way into work while thinking of my guy. Several unexpected compliments received during the day that put a smile on my face. A nice return to yoga after missing the last two weeks because of that nasty cold.

And then came today. Didn't sleep well. Cried all the way into work. They weren't tears of grief and depression ... more like tears of remembrance, tears as I talked to Vern - out loud - on my drive in. Songs that meant something to us or even songs that weren't special but the words took on a different meaning today brought tears. As always, I did fine at work. Only one little catch in my throat when the song "More" came on the radio in my office (it was sung at our wedding). I attended a restorative yoga class tonight to make up one of the sessions I had missed. My friend, Dorothy, is the instructor and she said this would be a great class for me to relieve some stress - deep relaxation poses, very healing - and she was right. But I was surprised when during one of the poses I was overcome with emotion. I felt comforted by Vern's presence while silent tears poured down my face. Luckily the lights were dimmed and no one noticed - and it was only during that one pose. Maybe today was just a day to release the tears that are held at bay other days.

"Perhaps our eyes need to be washed by our tears once in awhile, so that we can see Life with a clearer view once again."  Alex Tan

I miss him. I so wish I could talk to him, ask his advice about things I'm facing, hold his hand. I've been reading a book, Encountering Heaven and the Afterlife, that tells personal stories of those who have had near-death experiences or encounters with angels and provides a glimpse of what Heaven is like. Another book, The Barn Dance, describes how "life continues and love persists beyond the grave". These bring me comfort, as does my faith, that I will once again be with Vern. I'm ready for whenever that day arrives.

I'm pushing myself to do some things but it sure isn't easy.  It's far easier to just stay inside our home on the weekends.  It just takes such an effort to socialize sometimes.  I put it all out there during the work week, so when the weekends come it just feels good to stay in. I know that's not healthy and it's not what Vern would want for me, so I'm going to try, try, try to get out more often.

I did have a lovely dinner last Thursday with our special friends, Rich & Bre. Vern loved them both so much and he would not have been happy that I had put off their invitation for so long. And I had a wonderful time catching up with Joe & Luanne during lunch on Friday. Joe was our life-saver during the cancer battle, staying with Vern so I could return to work. He and Vern had such a special friendship ... what a blessing he was to us both.  I'm so glad I did both of these, but it didn't take long for me to revert to my old habits. I drove home right after lunch on Friday and didn't venture out again until returning to work on Tuesday.

I've signed up to walk a couple of 5Ks next month. Shocking for me, really, considering the horrible shape I'm in, but it felt like the right thing to do at the time. I had signed Vern & I up for the Run Away with the Cirque du Soleil at the Springs Preserve a couple of years ago. I thought it would be a fun outing since we both were fascinated with those Cirque characters. I had planned to push him in his wheelchair ... but he wasn't feeling well that morning so we weren't able to go. I thought me doing that race this year would be a nice tribute to my guy. Just after signing up for that race on the 19th, I learned of another on the 13th that I couldn't say no to.  This one benefits pancreatic cancer and we're running/walking for a dear co-worker.  So I'm going to push myself out the door those two weekends for good causes. 

Maybe that's as good as it gets for now. I don't have to do something outside the house every day of the weekend, but I will do my best to get out at least one of the 3 days.  I've started a list of things I might want to do so I'll have no excuses. Wish me luck!


Susie Hemingway said...

I wish you luck every single day of the week and I am certain you are doing incredibly well x I sometimes spend best part of the weekend in too. I really don't mind being alone and sometimes it seems a relief not to have to smile when I certainly don't feel like it. I have decided that I shall, for the time being anyway, be rather selfish and only attend or do things I know I can managed and the things that don't make me feel even sadder, if that is possible?
I am so glad you are enjoying your yoga and your walking is amazing. You must see how well you are progressing. I am very proud of you lovely lady. Keep strong and loads of hugs x

tim's wife said...

There is a book called "Embraced by the light" that was written by a woman who died(for some time) and was brought back to life. I read it shortly after my husband's MM dx and found it very comforting.
You are inspiring me to find a yoga class today. Jersey hugs to you.

Anonymous said...

One can only do what God gives them the strength to do. After working away from yours and Vern's home all week, why would you want to leave on the weekends. Getting out is "if you need to". You are so grounded, you always have been,you tookevery day God gave you with Vern and took care of him and appreciated him.The fact that you are staying in is not a weakness, it's just what you need right now. Do your walks and for heaven's sake don't lose the closeness with yours and Vern's friends. As someone who has close friends who have lost the ones they love , it is hard,as a friend,to feel like I can't help in anyway. Let your friends know you need and love them. Good for you for going out with your friends. I know it was as rewarding for them as it was for you. You are loved.
Bless you for sharing with the rest of us.

Gloria as you can tell I can't figure out how to get logged in and I have to use the Anonymous profile, tried over and over..I'm sure it doesn't matter.Oh well.

Boo said...

I've always found that it's the day AFTER that is worse (on any anniversary date).

Whenever I need to talk to Cliff and esp to make a decision ... I sit still and just talk to him. I listen to my own knee-jerk reaction and choose to ignore it ... and then what he WOULD say or think just comes to me.

You know Vern as well as you know yourself, or better even. His words will come to you.