The emotions of grieving are so very difficult. People often say how strong I am ... is that meant as a compliment or a criticism? When I'm feeling the weight of my grief, I feel guilty for wallowing in it. I know that Vern would not want that at all. When I'm feeling somewhat 'normal' I feel guilty for not grieving 24/7. Does that give the impression I'm happy to be a widow and I'm finished with grieving? That couldn't be further from the truth. I miss Vern every moment of every day.
It will be 5 months on Tuesday. How should I be feeling? I read a lot of other widow blogs and there is a huge variety of grief expressed. Some I can relate to, others I just can't at all. I don't want to become identified by my grief years down the road. Vern's memory deserves better than that.
I am who I am because of our 41 years together. And caring for him for the 4+ years after multiple myeloma entered our lives brought out something in me I didn't know was there. We faced so very many battles together during that time, so many hospitalizatons, surgeries, critical issues. He was definitely not the 'normal' MM patient, and I've been told I wasn't the 'normal' caregiver either. The closeness we always shared was emphasized during the cancer battle. Our life story is unique to us, so I guess it makes sense that my grieving will be unique. And my faith assures me that I will see Vern again and that helps me to move forward.
I see my "new" life as a tribute to Vern. I talk to him often and I listen for his answers to come in a variety of ways. They always do.