Sunday, February 13, 2011

Can I run away?

Feeling like I want to run away somewhere. I need a change. I'm going through the motions. I say all the right things, I think, but I just feel out of sync. Like I'm acting ... behaving the way I think everyone expects me to behave and I don’t know how to stop. I can’t find my voice … to be honest about everything. And yet I’m afraid if I started saying the things I’m thinking and feeling I would regret it. I’m able to support others who are suffering but feel shut off from anyone supporting me. It’s a weird feeling; very hard to explain. I’m not asking for anyone to intervene. I’m not asking for sympathy. I’ll figure this out eventually.

Perhaps it's just because I've been sick most of this week. Have suffered with the cold/flu crud that everyone seems to be experiencing and it's probably had an impact on my mood. Haven't felt well enough to get outside and enjoy our lovely weather, or even to get some things done inside. Any effort expended results in exhaustion. So many things on my 'to-do' list and I'm just not making any progress. Thought once the weather warmed up it would jump-start me, but now I don't feel well enough to do anything.

And all of this just seems to emphasize how much I miss Vern. I read other widow blogs and think I’m doing better than many who are further along this journey. But then I wonder if I really, truly am or is it all a sham? Will it all come crashing down some day?  I’m tired. I miss Vern, I miss having him here to talk to, to care for … I miss our life and all that we looked forward to. I’m jealous of others who still have their spouse and I get angry when they complain about such little, insignificant things. Don’t they realize what they still have?  And tomorrow ... Valentine's Day ... wish I could just stay home under the covers.

I thought of you with love today,
but that is nothing new.
I thought about you yesterday,
and the days before that, too.

I think of you in silence,
I often speak your name,
But all I have are memories
and your picture in a frame.

Your memory is my keepsake,
with which I'll never part.
God has you in His keeping,
I have you in my heart.

I shed tears for what might have been,
a million times I've cried.
If love alone could have saved you,
you never would have died.

In life I loved you dearly,
in death I love you still,
In my heart you hold a place
no one could ever fill.

It broke my heart to lose you,
but you didn't go alone,
For part of me went with you,
the day God took you home.
Author Unknown


Boo said...

oh sweetie, we do (at least I do)live a bit of a sham life at times, pretending we're okay because it takes less energy than taking time out to tell people how it really is. It took me an age to find my balance ... and I still don't get it right, even after two years. By that I mean the balance between living and grieving. There are only a select few I tell the truth to (about how I'm feeling) because they are the ones who really want to know. The others get the bullshit, "I'm good" reply xxx

betty obst said... have such a loving heart and such a positive attitude but, I believe that although these are wonderful attributes to be truly treasured, they often hold you back from expressing how you "really" feel to others. I think it is the reluctance to bring others down combined with the natural tendency to be "up" yourself. It makes it very difficult at times like these but in the long run, I do believe that it will serve you well.

I think the writing helps but when the writing is public, we still restrain a lot of how we "really" feel. Perhaps finding one or two folks where you can really let your hair down with once in a while is the best solution...or even an impartial person. If not, try to write without posting it and then either keep it (for future reference to see how far you've come) or just destroy it.

It's hard being the "strong one" for everyone and you've been doing it for so long. Every once in a while you just have to let it go and then pick up the struggle again!! Love you and praying for you.

Anonymous said...

"Think how he must be wishing that we could know today how nothing but our sadness can really pass away. And think of him as living in the hearts of those he touched...for nothing loved is ever lost...and he was loved so much."
Quote by E.Brenneman
You don't have to be strong for anyone but you.
Gloria Feb 14th

jaloysisus said...

Oh, Dianne, my heart goes out to you. I was so happy to hear you express your real emotion. You are usually such a caretaker. I've learned that when these powerful emotions threaten to overwhelm me I have no choice but to accept them and succumb to them. You can't fight it unless you name it, sort of like that. I don't think you are running away at all, I think you are running inward.