What do I really want?

How's that for an open-ended question? 

Well, there could be quite a long list of things that I want if anything were possible.  #1 absolutely would be that Vern would be alive and healthy. But that is not possible. And neither is my wish that I was still in my 40s instead of my 60s.

But there are some things that are still possible to want and to obtain:

 * To fall in love again
 * To be loved
 * To be cherished
 * To be important to someone

And yet, that is why I'm asking this question.  Is that what I really want?

I honestly do. not. know.

There are days (well, actually mostly nights) when I do wish there was someone here with me. It's the casual love and tenderness that I miss. Being together. Holding hands. Just sharing space. Those little touches.

But to find that would take WORK. And I just don't think I'm up for it.

I really was satisfied with my life. With my alone life. For over seven years. I worked. I retired. I traveled. I met new people. Made new friends. I blogged. I learned new things. I participated in three Grief Diaries anthologies. I volunteered. I started a local widow group. I started a little business. I held retreats. My life was full. Very full. And I was pretty happy ... or as happy as I could be without Vern by my side.

And then everything changed ... and I thought ... perhaps I *could* love again.

I truly had not believed that was at all possible. Not for me. And yet there were those feelings. Such a conundrum.

So I worked through all those feelings and tried that first date. And it was nice. But it told me a lot about who I am and what I can and cannot do. I can't do the casual dating thing. Dating a different guy every night of the week - or dating someone who is dating a different girl every night. And I'm not even going to bring up the sex stuff. Old-fashioned. Out of date. Unrealistic. Yep, that's me.

So I've stuffed those feelings back down from whence they came and I'm once again plugging along. Doing well. Living my life.

But ....
every now and then ...
Boom! There they are again.

The Challenge of Living ... to allow the sorrow and weight of life and yet to dance with an easy and open heart. to ache in your darkest depths and yet to laugh from your light filled center. to know the reality of humanity and yet to believe in the magic of the stars. to act with love in the middle of the fear and to hold each moment as the gift that it is. this is the challenge of living.

So dating has been a rather hot topic lately among my friends. And a lot of talk of dating sites. Advice being asked for and given. It seems that many of my widowed friends are at that stage of wanting to dip their toes into the dating waters.

And I got curious. So I went to eHarmony and answered their questions. Didn't pay anything. Just wanted to see what it was like. I now have 25 photos of guys between the ages of 57-70 who live here in southern Nevada or in California who I am compatible with. And most actually look too good for me to believe that they are the age they say or even who they say they are. And what's with having a profile photo showing them cozying up with a gorgeous younger gal?  That's supposed to attract me?  Ummm - no.  How the heck do you wade through all of that? And why would I want to waste all of that time?  And have to pay for it?

I guess I really am a Pollyanna.  I want romance. To be swept off my feet. And I want it to just happen. Poof!  I know ... I should probably insert an LOL in here after that statement, right?

So I went back in and looked at those profile photos again. And one stood out from the rest. I opened up his profile and his responses to the questions were really pretty amazing. So I clicked on the little star that marked him as a favorite. I don't think anything happens at this point because I'm not paying ... and that's ok with me.  Because really ... now the 'I'm not good enough, pretty enough, small enough, smart enough' stuff is bouncing around in my head and I think I'll just go to bed now and have a little cry. I'll be fine in the morning.