Thursday, August 30, 2018

What do I really want?

How's that for an open-ended question? 

Well, there could be quite a long list of things that I want if anything were possible.  #1 absolutely would be that Vern would be alive and healthy. But that is not possible. And neither is my wish that I was still in my 40s instead of my 60s.

But there are some things that are still possible to want and to obtain:

 * To fall in love again
 * To be loved
 * To be cherished
 * To be important to someone

And yet, that is why I'm asking this question.  Is that what I really want?

I honestly do. not. know.

There are days (well, actually mostly nights) when I do wish there was someone here with me. It's the casual love and tenderness that I miss. Being together. Holding hands. Just sharing space. Those little touches.

But to find that would take WORK. And I just don't think I'm up for it.

I really was satisfied with my life. With my alone life. For over seven years. I worked. I retired. I traveled. I met new people. Made new friends. I blogged. I learned new things. I participated in three Grief Diaries anthologies. I volunteered. I started a local widow group. I started a little business. I held retreats. My life was full. Very full. And I was pretty happy ... or as happy as I could be without Vern by my side.

And then everything changed ... and I thought ... perhaps I *could* love again.

I truly had not believed that was at all possible. Not for me. And yet there were those feelings. Such a conundrum.

So I worked through all those feelings and tried that first date. And it was nice. But it told me a lot about who I am and what I can and cannot do. I can't do the casual dating thing. Dating a different guy every night of the week - or dating someone who is dating a different girl every night. And I'm not even going to bring up the sex stuff. Old-fashioned. Out of date. Unrealistic. Yep, that's me.

So I've stuffed those feelings back down from whence they came and I'm once again plugging along. Doing well. Living my life.

But ....
every now and then ...
Boom! There they are again.

The Challenge of Living ... to allow the sorrow and weight of life and yet to dance with an easy and open heart. to ache in your darkest depths and yet to laugh from your light filled center. to know the reality of humanity and yet to believe in the magic of the stars. to act with love in the middle of the fear and to hold each moment as the gift that it is. this is the challenge of living.

So dating has been a rather hot topic lately among my friends. And a lot of talk of dating sites. Advice being asked for and given. It seems that many of my widowed friends are at that stage of wanting to dip their toes into the dating waters.

And I got curious. So I went to eHarmony and answered their questions. Didn't pay anything. Just wanted to see what it was like. I now have 25 photos of guys between the ages of 57-70 who live here in southern Nevada or in California who I am compatible with. And most actually look too good for me to believe that they are the age they say or even who they say they are. And what's with having a profile photo showing them cozying up with a gorgeous younger gal?  That's supposed to attract me?  Ummm - no.  How the heck do you wade through all of that? And why would I want to waste all of that time?  And have to pay for it?

I guess I really am a Pollyanna.  I want romance. To be swept off my feet. And I want it to just happen. Poof!  I know ... I should probably insert an LOL in here after that statement, right?

So I went back in and looked at those profile photos again. And one stood out from the rest. I opened up his profile and his responses to the questions were really pretty amazing. So I clicked on the little star that marked him as a favorite. I don't think anything happens at this point because I'm not paying ... and that's ok with me.  Because really ... now the 'I'm not good enough, pretty enough, small enough, smart enough' stuff is bouncing around in my head and I think I'll just go to bed now and have a little cry. I'll be fine in the morning.


AnneMarie said...

My dear friend. I am in the same place and I did pay and met an interesting man, who is widowed but the moment I met him, I knew he was not the right one for I too want it to just happen...poof! And it didn’t and it hasn’t but he and I are now friends and that is lovely...another widowed friend who “gets me” is fine in my life. So I keep looking and nothing fits...yet. For some reason just dipping my toe into the world of possibilities has made me believe again that love is possible...even though I know it won’t and cannot be the same as what I had with my beloved Tim. He’s on this ride of possibility with me and I/we look at the page of others who apparently “match” and are looking for someone to share their life with as well...and so I continue to believe in possibilities, but honestly, I’m still hoping for POOF!

Mary B said...

Lovely Dianne,

I, too, had those feelings at about 3 years out. Although I wasn’t actively looking for love, I met a widower and we got to know each other when he was the only other person to show up at one of my Meetup events. It can and does “just happen” sometimes. We have both been struck by how easy it’s been. I originally thought, “I have a job and teenagers and a house to maintain and a Meetup group to run. I don’t have time or energy for a boyfriend!” But I make the time, and he gives me the energy. So don’t go into it thinking it’s going to be hard and a lot of work, because’s not.

Best of luck, my friend! Hoping it “just happens” for you when you’re ready. Hugs.

BlueRidgeWoman said...

I love you. Whatever those "shoulder taps" mean... explore. I'm not sure we ever really know what we really want.