Sunday, June 5, 2011

The Ticking Clock

I'm feeling rather in limbo this week; not exactly sure why. It's not like I'm having to make any big life decisions right this moment, but I feel the clock of my life is ticking. I guess it could be that there are some decisions on the horizon that could change things for me. Some I'm excited about, some have me a bit scared, some have yet to be decided.

I returned to work this week, albeit a short work week due to the Memorial Day holiday. It was busy but felt good to stay focused. I'm still enjoying my weekly yoga class. It makes for a very long Wednesday, but it is so worth it. And I stopped by a restaurant to see some friends visiting from Michigan this week. It was really nice to see them all, but did serve as a reminder that I'm alone now.  

And I think that may be part of my issue. Is this ticking clock taking me away from Vern and the life we had together? We were always "Vern & Dianne" ... for 41 years ... I'm not sure I know who Dianne alone is yet. Not sure I want to. Some days, yes - I think I can see me being happy again, taking some classes, doing some things I've not had time to pursue previously. 

"Faith is taking the first step even when you don't see the whole staircase"
Martin Luther King, Jr.

But other days ... oh how I wish he was still here. Truth be told, I wish that every day but I remind myself that he's in a better place - and I do know I will see him again.


Sarah said...

Hugs to you.......can't even imagine (and don't want to) how it must be.

The strength you show, in your blog, amazes me. You're an inspiration!

janis said...

I agree w/ Sarah.
You have an amazing strength that inspires me. I'm not even sure how I found your Blog, but very glad I did.
Love & Hugs...

jaloysisus said...

Dianne, This sounds familiar. . . . what you are going through with the clock ticking away while you're trying to figure out just who you are now and who will become. Keep on writing.

Barbara said...

Dianne I think this is a very healthy post.. you are sorting it all out and your are trying to set your navigation.. we all envision life to be smooth sailing.. unfortunately it's not, but everything you have expressed is honest, open and healthy.. big hugs being sent your way

Anonymous said...

What you may not realize Dianne is that , on top of the grief you are going through, that "ticking clock" is going on in most of us at your age. We look back and see either what we had or could have had. The sixties are a time of reflection and yours will be harder than most to get through, but of course you will.Knowing that God gave you Vern for over 40 years is something we all know you are so grateful for, but having God take him away is something that is so hard to accept.

You are right in that Saying Vern always came out of every ones mouth as Vern and Dianne. It is also hard for us to think of you any other way also.You will however, get it figured out and there will be days where you wear a smile all day that is not pretend. I pray that that days comes sooner rather than later, knowing in my heart that it will be a long transition for you.I have heard,from those who write books and give speeches, that it takes at least one month for every year one spends with another person to get through the hardest part of the grieving process, so you are looking at most people taking over 3 years to get any kind of normality in their lives after loosing a loved one after 41 years. Don't rush things, you are being much stronger than you think.
Have a blessed day.