Saturday, June 18, 2011

I wasn't done loving him yet ....

Maybe I was getting a little arrogant. Last week was so very good - I enjoyed meals with friends, had a fabulous time at the concert, work was good and I felt that I had made it over a huge hurdle. Vern is always in my thoughts but I wasn’t feeling quite as sad … I was able to be fully supportive of others who were grieving … I enjoyed normal conversations … I no longer had to push my true feelings aside. It felt really good.

… and then this week arrived. It seemed everywhere I turned something brought me to tears. A song, an innocent comment from someone, something I read, a memory, yet another Father’s Day ad on TV, even my Blackberry did it to me!  Good grief!  Well, maybe not so good. 

I guess this was just a reminder that my grief journey isn’t anywhere close to being over. How foolish of me to even consider that it was. It will be filled with ebbs and flows, ups and downs, good days/weeks and bad.  And that’s ok. When the tears come I’m comfortable in just letting them flow. These emotions need to come out … they’re cathartic … part of the process. My life has changed dramatically. 41 years as Vern & Dianne. That’s gone now. I’m alone and it will be 9 months next week.


Some widows have said that those of us who are older and had many years with our loves are luckier, that our grief isn’t as big as theirs, that we will heal faster. I do not agree. I would never say my grief is worse … I am so very strongly against making any comparisons when it comes to grieving. Our marriages were unique, our losses were unique, as is our grieving and healing. There’s nothing good or lucky in this for any of us. 

One of my tear triggers this week was a line from an old Grey’s Anatomy show that someone shared online: “I wasn’t done loving him yet.”  Wow.  So true - whether you had 4 months or 41 years.

6 comments:

Sarah said...

Dianne: I love this, and it brought a lump to my throat.

Bob and I have been married almost 51 years, and I can't imagine 1 day without him! Because, like you, I'm not done loving him!!

Blessings and hugs.....

jaloysisus said...

You are really finding your voice, Dianne. Yes, it really is a roller coaster ride, isn't it. The trouble is, we can't get off the damn ride! Nine months!

kathie said...

Such a great group of thoughts Dianne....I wasn't finished loving Jim either but I never would have been. Like you, I think I'm making progress and then I hit a bunch of triggers. I guess a part of me is afraid that someday nothing will trigger that sadness and I will have moved on...I don't honestly see how that could happen but the though of it worries me. You have such a gift for writing and it must be helpful to you.

Kathie

Susie Hemingway said...

Brilliant post Dianne - we can never ever make comparisons. Grief is different for us all. Do we EVER really get over losing the most important person in our lives. I don't think so somehow. Everyday a remembered thought, a piece of music,a smell - a desire to hear their voice ( which is my biggest problem right now) will cause us to recall the wonderful life we shared with our precious men. Yes, I would give everything I own to see his face and beautiful smile once more. My love and affection Dianne.

Boo said...

It is such a negative and damaging thing to compare one loss to another. I think we all feel the same pain (more or less depending on how close we were, how much we loved them ... and there's no way to measure those things), but the other stuff that life throws at us after loss can make the journey of one widow SEEM worse than another's. the pain is no worse, but circumstances can be.

9 months is a tough time ... be kind to yourself xxx

Kerrie said...

Oh Diane, I have never felt that there was enough time in our lifetimes to get all the lovin' in! What a perfect song, too! Sending you hugs for your grief that is yet to be mine in God's timing...Luvu, Kerrie (Multiple Myeloma wife)