|Vern was finally able to get back into his Mustang - May 2010|
Some feel I had it better because I had a long time to prepare for Vern’s death due to his long cancer battle. Oh, but they would be so wrong. There is no “better” … no matter how you become a widow, it is a horrid, very personal thing. I read the many stories of loss on Widowed Village and it breaks my heart. Some were widowed so very young and sudden, some young with cancer, little children left behind, long and horrible illnesses, long and loving marriages ended by cancer – all so different and yet the same. It is impossible to compare one person’s loss to another.
Time … there was just never enough of it
Yes we had 4-1/2 years after cancer entered our lives, but there was no time for any real preparation for what was to come. It took everything I had in me to just keep my head above water … the caregiving was hard, he had so very many critical issues, sleep was rare, bills went unpaid, the house became cluttered, I gained a lot of stress weight, emotions were raw, I struggled to keep up at work. And when times were better – like in the picture above – we really had no inkling that time was so very short. He would be gone just 4 months later.
Time … something we all take for granted
I suppose I did grieve during that time for what we had lost – Vern’s mobility was taken away and never fully returned, his pride was damaged because of the things he could no longer do, feelings were hurt when friends disappeared, trips we had planned to take were never to be – but was I spending time preparing for his eventual death … NO! I had HOPE right up to that final day in the hospital – September 17, 2010. Hope that one more treatment, another adjustment to dialysis, new doctors, more physical therapy … something would give us more time.