That same month brought me the Vegas Golden Knights and - wow! - what a difference they have made in my life. I never expected a hockey team to bring me such joy, but they sure have. I just know that Vern is loving watching me enjoy this new passion of mine. My love for this team has actually given me a place to put all of those emotions I still don't quite know what to do with. Let me just say that you probably would not recognize me by my behavior at a hockey game.
And then I hit 67 ... ugh. That is a number that in no way defines me. At least in my head. Perhaps in rebellion to that number (but more honestly just because I didn't want to spend my birthday alone) I accepted that offer to have drinks with a friend so she could introduce me to new guy. And that led to that first date. Over 7 years since Vern died - and 49 years since I last dated back in high school.
I had a nice time. He's a very nice man and he's lived a very interesting life. Dinner was great, the conversation was comfortable and easy. But I didn't feel a spark or any desire for a relationship to grow. And I didn't get the impression he felt it either. We parted after dinner with a thank you and a hug. He's traveling for the next six weeks and mentioned reaching out when he returned home. I figured he was just being polite and did not expect to hear from him.
And I felt some relief about that actually.
But then our mutual friend called to let me know that he likes me and he will be calling when he returns to Vegas. Sigh.
What to do?
I do not want to hurt his feelings.
I do not want to lead him on thinking something more could develop.
I do not want to ....
So how vulnerable do I want to be here? I started this blog to be a lighthouse to the caregivers I met in the online cancer groups. I knew that many would soon be joining me and felt it would help me to write and them to read of my experiences. And now I write for my widowed friends who are experiencing these 'do I date or not' feelings, to let them know they aren't the only ones thinking and feeling these things. So I guess I need to do this. To be vulnerable.So my dear *single* widowed friends, these vulnerable words are for you.
I guess it really comes down to intimacy. I just cannot even imagine it, and I do not want to. Even just kissing. That was my test, you know. Could I imagine kissing new guy? No, I could not. No spark. Or I'm just not ready. Either works for me.
I just don't think dating is for me. It feels like too much work. And I can't help but make comparisons to Vern - and that's not fair. I know that I do not want to date just for the sake of dating. I cannot date more than one person at a time. And I surely cannot sleep with someone without being in love with them.
Perhaps someone will come into my life down the road that will create that spark and allow me to be brave enough to step into that light. I think I'm open to that now. I think I could even want that. But I need that spark. Even if that's not realistic to expect. It happened with Vern. We both felt it. Immediately.
I will tell you that I did enjoy those few days before the date of thinking 'wow!' someone likes me, maybe even cares about me. I've missed that and it did feel rather nice. And part of that has stayed with me, making me feel a little more confident about myself.
So if new guy contacts me when he gets back in town, I will tell him that I'm just not ready to date. I'll thank him for being kind and willing to allow me to test the waters. I'm comfortable with this and hope that he will be, too. There's plenty of women out there ... in fact, I wish there was a way to introduce him to some of my widow group members. Hah ... ok, I won't go there.
So I've been feeling pretty good about this decision. It feels right. For me.
And then tonight a friend on Facebook was pulling cards for people and this is what she pulled for me.
Geez universe. You're killing me!