Sunday, May 20, 2018

Spreading my Wings

Having trouble getting out of my head these days. Waking up multiple times each night isn't a new thing for me, but the major thoughts now causing this surely are.

I do have some big deadlines hanging over me, too, which is part of it I'm sure.  Let me get those on the table first:

H O W E V E R ... my waking thoughts the past few nights have not been about these unfinished deadlines but rather about me personally and this new dating adventure. I hit a birthday this week and was dreading that ever-increasing number, but I'm now feeling more like a very insecure junior high kid.

Cards pulled this morning. OK, I hear ya.

I enjoyed meeting my friend and 'new guy' Thursday evening. He's very nice and interesting and while there (for 3 hours) I didn't even think about WHY I was there and just enjoyed the conversation. That changed the moment I got in my car to head home and has not let up since.

He asked my friend for my phone number.
He asked me out to dinner (and said I was beautiful)
I accepted (with some caveats).

All sorts of emotions ... feeling scared, old, nervous, fat, excited, guilty, ugly, beautiful, wanted, insecure. Geez. And this is supposed to be a good thing?  I truly do not know if I am up for this.

He shared some health issues ... and that scared me. Those caregiving years with Vern were a precious gift I lovingly gave to him, but they were so very hard and I just don't know whether I could survive another round of that. But my work within the widowed community has given me oh-so-many stories that prove there are no guarantees when it comes to illness or death. Strong, young, healthy people get sick and die. Healthy older people get cancer and die. And when a lovely widowed friend who is living with a treatable cancer shared what it's like trying to find a new love from THAT side of things, I decided I could not let that be the reason I did not accept the invitation for a second meeting with 'new guy'.

When I first changed my mind about the dating thing, I expressed my desire to just have someone drop on my doorstep with an immediate spark and connection. Like what happened with Vern. Not very realistic, I know. There was a connection with the person who initially got me thinking about dating, but he's not interested or available so I'm quite happy to have him as a friend (who is doing a little coaching with this current situation).

So this Friday I will go on a date. The first one since 1969 when I was 18 years old.

The world has changed since then and I may not fit into the current dating scene, but I decided I must give it a try so I'd know whether to keep at it or just know that it's not for me and to pull myself out of it completely. And 'new guy' seems to understand my trepidation.

So wish me luck.  And also pray that my blood pressure remains low and I don't break out in junior high zits!

1 comment:

Kathie Scott said...

You are one busy woman helping others. I know that is a benefit to you as well but I’m glad to see that you are doing something just for you! I never thought dating would lead to a relationship but it just happened. It is by no means like the love that grew out of 37 years of marriage but it’s comfortable and convenient. Jim is divorced and came with diabetes and nerve damage resulting from the diabetes...along with terrible short term memory issues! I too don’t think I could be a caregiver again so fortunately he has a plan in place if that’s needed so I don’t lose sleep over that. I too feel old and fat but I figure if he couldn’t accept that he would have moved on. I sometimes think I miss being alone and responsible to nobody but I think of all I would have to do on my own and it disappears in a flash. I’m glad you’re going on this date and just know he is a lucky man because you are beautiful!