Sunday, June 10, 2012

I'm still here ....

I'm rather amazed that it's been over 3 months since I've written here. Time marches on. I've had things I've wanted to write about, but just never took the time to do it. Kind of like those boxes from the storage unit that are still stacked in the garage. There have been great times and not-so-great times in these past months. But this has been a rather tough few days so I decided to take the time to write about it now that I've gotten through it.

Bad news just keeps coming ... and by bad I mean C.A.N.C.E.R.  How I hate that word. A dear friend was diagnosed this week, a special online friend lost her battle with myeloma this morning, an old friend has a brain tumor, other online myeloma friends are struggling with their latest results.  And with each new piece of cancer news I'm transported back to Vern's struggle and all of the heartache that was packed into those years. Just when I had finally gotten to where I could put those very difficult memories in their own special place that wasn't always in the front of my mind.

So I've embraced them. I really had no choice. I re-read some of my CaringBridge journal entries, looked back here at some old blog posts, looked through photos. And shed some tears. Tears for Vern and tears for me. Tears for Paula, tears for R & W, too.

I drew this in the sand at Myrtle Beach during Camp Widow.

But I know tomorrow will be a better day. (I really DO know that. It's just hard to live it each day.)

Here's a highlight of some of the things that have occurred this spring ...
  • My trip to South Carolina in April was amazing. I loved the history in Charleston and my first B&B experience. Those two days showed me that I can travel alone and be ok. Although I will definitely learn how to travel lighter next time. 
  • Camp Widow in Myrtle Beach. Not sure whether it was being further out from Vern's passing or being right on the beach ... but it was life-changing. I felt I had turned an important corner in my grief after this special weekend.
  • But ... there was a let-down after Camp that extended to my birthday and lingers still, although not as strongly now. I did write a blog in Widowed Village about it ( and I'm working on doing what I need to do. It's a challenge.
  • I'm attending events at our new performing arts center, forcing myself out the door for concerts and Broadway shows. Not easy, but once I get there I'm enjoying myself.
  • I've been able to meet in person some of the widows I've met online ... both here in Vegas and at Camp Widow. And I'm headed to San Diego in August for another Camp. Plan to drive Vern's Mustang there - another first.
  • Jeremy graduated from the Master Bodywork program and is awaiting taking his national licensing exam to get started in his new career.
  • Work is going well. I feel energized there ... and needed (I really miss being needed by Vern). I can now see me actually making it to my full 30 years before retirement.
  • I'm thinking of other trips I'd like to take. I've wanted to return to Hana but know that will be a difficult trip. It is such a special, sacred place of memories for me but I'm beginning to feel I could be ready to schedule that trip. I'm also thinking I need to make the Florida trip to decide if that's where I'd like to go when I retire.
I feel better 'in my head' most days but still many, many things I need to work on. I'm shocked that it's already June and I have not made any dents in my long to-do list. I'll get there ... eventually.


Anonymous said...

I have enjoyed reading your FB posts and now your blog. You keep right on posting the mile stones in your journey and I will remember you in prayer as you face each one. Progress through grief seems slow and fast at the same time. I remember thinking, "am I ever going to make it?" But I did, my life was never the same again, but it is good.

I think of you often, Dianne.
Love & Hugs,
Darlene Duttlinger

Kerrie said...

Oh my Dianne, it is so hard... I am doing much better. I signed up for daily affirmations from my Funeral Home and each day I get an e-mail that takes me through my grief and some exercises to do in my journal or just getting out of the house. It has helped me tremendously. I cannot believe that it is just a little over 4 mos. since I lost my precious Bill to Myeloma and like you, I grieve for all acquaintances who are also suffering. I have a memorial garden in the back yard for Bill and tend it every day. I felt I had no purpose after 7 yrs. of caring for Bill but I am finding my worth and wanting to live again. I pray for you daily to get through this and know you will come out strong on the other end. Much love and hugs, Kerrie

Barbara said...

Hi Dianne,
Glad to see your post and you are doing OK (sorry about the string of bad news). I pop in and out of WV trying to catch you and some of the older widows.. Be well and take good care of yourself. hugs

janis said...

Oh Dianne~ I feel for you..
I so enjoy your blog and I keep you in prayer. I will also prayer for your friend.
I recently lost my Mom, very unexpectedly... my Dad has become a widower too soon, and I have become a caretaker.
I am trying to play catch up in Blog land and it really is therapeutic to read & write.
Love to you~♥

Tiffany Fakier (lovie) said...

Dianne, Glad that you resumed your blog. Gosh, it seems like daily we hear of someone's struggle with cancer. Sadly, a friend of mine passed away on Thursday after a 2 year battle with myeloma and other issues. Sorry that it brought back difficult memories of your own path with Vern. I am looking forward to meeting you in San Diego. I hope that Camp West is as great as Camp East many positive comments on WV. I am happy to hear that you felt a change in direction of your grief from your camp experience. I am looking for the weekend to bring a new direction to my grief also. Enjoy your drive there. I have had several solo trips since my husband passed away and have enjoyed the solitude and peace of worrying about no one but myself! Take care...see you in August!