I'm feeling on the edge lately. Not "on edge", but on the edge, on a precipice ... like I'm teetering between my old life and a new one. I don't think I know yet who this "new" Dianne is, not really sure I want to get to know her fully just yet, but I'm seeing glimpses of her each day.
But change can be hard for a widow. I'm a bit afraid to leave any part of my old life behind ... the life I shared with Vern. That's where my memories reside. It is precious and I don't want to lose one moment of it. So I need to figure out how I can move into a new life while still being able to honor and treasure my past. I need to find a way to carry the person I am at work into my private life, so that I'm no longer two different people. There's a potential change coming at work and I believe that will help me move into this new phase of my life. I think I'm ready for it, and then - perhaps - the other changes I need to make will follow more easily.
Whether you're an Oprah fan or not, her new Lifeclass series provides some really good food for thought and I recommend them. And for my widow friends out there - some of these classes have really hit me hard, making me think about my life and how I'm handling my loss. There was one where the class focused on the "I see you" statement from the movie, Avatar. Vern loved that movie, and those words were some of the last he spoke in hospice. I didn't get the connection at the time. He said, "I see you" and I responded with a smile and a kiss, saying "I see you, too, sweetie" but when I've heard them since then I am reduced to tears. I can hear him saying those words and I can now feel what he was actually saying to me. He was acknowledging who I am as a person, what our life together meant, the fact that I was there for him through those difficult days, weeks, years. He was validating who I am with those 3 little words when he was unable to speak further. And that was the message behind the Lifeclass ... how wonderful it would be if we took the time to stop and truly acknowledge each person who crosses our path, to acknowledge their "Being", who they are, what they bring to our relationship. It's something to strive for.
6 comments:
What a wonderful gift your husband bestowed on you with those three little words I see you . . . and he also set you free to discover the real you. Blessings on this next phase of your journey.
I have taped the classes and been trying to keep up with them online. They are indeed, old, universal truths, worth repeating and exploring, anew. You continue to inspire me and I'm sure others with your journey Dianne. Teetering between what you had, where you are each day and where you are going is very challenging. Like many things in life it requires the right balance. How to honor your life with Vern fully and completely without only honoring your life with Vern. Saying he would want you to live, while true, is easier said than done. But you are doing the dance Dianne. Everyday. It is awe inspiring and I know you will find that perfect "Dianne balance" and also that it will always be a work in progress. Hugs! And I see you too. :) Lori
Yes in fact Lori has covered well my feelings about being able to attain the right balance in honouring fully your life together with your beloved and moving forward. I know for sure our wonderful men would have wanted this for us, to live our lives fully for the years we have left. I have not attended any bereavement counselling at all but I do have a good family and friends who I am able to 'talk out' my grief with. I know the English have very different views all this 'stiff upper lip attitude' and I do prefer to grieve in private, often still weeping at the strangest memory; a piece of music that we particularly loved will bring my tears but almost always when I am alone. Hamada was the love of my life just like Vern was yours, there will never be another that could ever match-up to them in our hearts but it does not mean that we should continue our lives alone.
I have recently been seeing a Defence Photographic Journalist, we connected by our writing at a writers forum, he has many books published. I enjoy very much his company. I do not see him all the time, choosing to live my life much the same as I have always done. I do not feel it is wrong to 'move on'. It would in fact be very wrong for me to always be alone! I do not wish to be a burden to my boys nor would I. It is just what my wise Hamada would have wish for me of that I am sure. Much love to you Dianne.x
We're all growing and moving, aren't we? Don't know about you, but it's kind of scary. It's been a long time since I've been alone on my own.
Thanks for sharing this Dianne. Finding our identity after widowhood is a difficult journey and not really one we want to discover. Hugs as you attempt to embrace this next step.
Vern was such a wise man, even at the young age he was when he took you for dinner that fate filled night, in Saline. I have no doubt that he "Saw" you that night and decided right then and there he was never letting you go.
You gave him everything that he needed in life and he was content. Why do you think his smile never changed from the very beginning,and as we know there is no end.
Think of all your memories and life experiances and the child you shared as a very light and beautiful, wisp of a treasure box that you carry with you no matter where life takes you and you can stop at anytime and have a peak without lossing one memory . It is your treasure box, so no one else can see it or take it from you. You can share what's in it if you want but never do you have to. It is 100% all yours.
Just because life goes on with or without you means you will move ahead and in the end you will catch up with it. Until then, put your beautiful box in you pocket and drive on. I know you will conquere any thing that is put in front of you. You always have.Vern will not let anything bad happen to you he watches over you and there is no such thing as betrayal in heaven. To move ahead does not mean you are moving away.
G
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