Saturday, October 22, 2011

13 Months ....

Yes, I know ... I said I wasn't going to do the counting thing any longer. But I awoke this morning realizing it was once again the 22nd, so it felt right to use that fact as a starting point for a blog update.

A month ago I said I would spend the next 30 days "in search of Dianne" by accomplishing some short term goals. Well, that did not happen. I wasn't realistic at all about the timing of that statement.  The past 30 days have required very long hours at the office, bringing work home every night and going in on weekends to prepare for our annual employee recognition week.  On top of that big project, I also picked up an additional job ... one that I am enjoying thoroughly and hope will evolve into a new permanent role for me.  So there was no time for Dianne during these past 30 days, and I will not beat myself up for not accomplishing any goals this month. My search for  Dianne will begin today, but I also need to take care of some tangible things that have been ignored for too long.

The house is a wreck ... worse now than before, really, because of the work project. I've only run the dishwasher, cleaned the toilet and done the laundry when I absolutely had to. I don't think I opened any mail during this past month - so that will be the first change I make. #1 on my list of goals is to open the mail every day; shred the junk stuff, pay the bills, file away what needs to be filed. #2 is to get back into the weekly house cleaning habit.

This is one of my favorite times of the year. The heat of summer is gone, evenings and mornings are cool, daytime temperatures are in the 80s. My #3 goal will be to get outside and enjoy this time. I haven't tended to Vern's rose garden all summer, so that's on the list - along with a daily walk around the neighborhood.

#4 is to do something with the wheelchair van. I finally have both the Mustang and CRV running and up-to-date with maintenance and I'm driving both of them regularly to keep them running. But the van continues to sit there in the driveway - dead battery and more. It was such a life-saver for me to get Vern to dialysis, doc appointments, chemo treatments ... someone else is probably feeling as desperate as I was before we had it and should be using it. So I'll contact the Ability Center where I purchased it and see what my options are.

I miss Vern deeply and talk to him every day - but I don't cry every day any more. The days leading up to the one year mark were very difficult - far more difficult than the actual date - but I'm grateful for the precious memories they brought to me. I'm still spending time in Widowed Village, with people who understand what this is like ... how hard it is to figure out how we can possibly go on without the loves of our lives ... and I'm looking forward to both Camp Widows next year. I now get out each weekend to meet a dear widow friend for breakfast, so no more spending the entire weekend at home in my jammies. I will spend some time this weekend writing out the rest of my list of things that need to be taken care of so I can start checking them off - and I'll include some personal growth things, too, that will help me find Dianne once again. I know she's still in there somewhere. 


Anonymous said...

Hey Sweetheat, have you thought that just maybe you Have already found a part of the Dianne you are searching for ? You are taking on new challenges at work.Spending time thinking about how to help others. Making plans that are in the future and not the past. I see a transition happening with you. Look in the mirror "darlin" you have come a long way. And I have discovered that as long as they don't turn my life line off,the phone and internet..the rest can wait. Vern and you were so special and that part of you will never live again the way the two of you did. But, Life is waiting for you and you have moved on without ever moving away from the memories and dreams of Vern. How many can say that. You are always.

Kerrie said...

I am very proud of you Diane, You are one strong lady, Hugs, Kerrie

tim's wife said...

Having a plan is a good thing. Have you thought of having someone clean your house though? When my sis had a lumpectomy for a pre-cancerous area in her breast, I hired a woman to clean her entire house so she would not have to for awhile. She has kept her on ever since. Like you, she puts in many hours at her 2 jobs and realized she did not want to spend her precious free time cleaning. A clean house always makes us feel better. Doesn't matter who does it though. Hugs and keep on truckin'.

Ferree Bowman Hardy said...

God bless your search---it sounds like you're in for an amazing journey ahead.

Flo said...

From a Myeloma widow's perspective 6 years out, Dianne, you're doing great. I know you are aware you don't have the reins of your life firmly in your hands. This is OK. You come first. You are creating a 'new you' and a new history. Good work! My experience was that my 'new me' was completely unfamiliar to me. I didn't know which way was up and which way was down. I plunged ahead, like you, even while railing against overwhelming challenges. I put myself first, which I could do because I had no dependents. Three years in I realized life had given me a gift within this tragedy, a new me. One my late husband might not even recognize, but would applaud.

So keep on keepin on. I applaud you!

BForever said...

This reminds me of the song ... This little light of mine. Yours is burning brighter with every step forward. Beautiful Diane.