Sunday, December 25, 2016

Oh the holidays ....

I was just sure that I'd feel better about the holidays this year. I was planning to pull out the decorations, put up my special ornaments, set out my nativity collection and really enjoy the season. And then August arrived with our wedding anniversary and then September with the death anniversary and then October with our son turning 40 and not being in a great place, and then there's my still messy house ... well, the holiday doldrums took a good hold. Now granted, I had a really beautiful vacation with Jer in Hawaii in November and those days were wonderful. Really wonderful. But since returning home, there have been things that just kept pulling me downward. Life things, insecurities, questions, feeling unseen, unappreciated in so many parts of my life. Those of you who know me know that I'm generally a pretty darn positive person ... but hoo-boy there have been some yucky days and nights lately. Now during all of this I continued to put on my happy face and kept posting on FB and Instagram and in Widowed Village and in emails and messages and saying 'yes, yes, yes' to whatever came my way ... but I finally hit a wall yesterday and said "enough"!  I'm taking a FB/IG break for a bit - at least until all of those wonderfully happy perfect family Christmas posts disappear!

Oh ... and my anonymous Christmas Eve angel who has touched my heart by sprinkling glitter on my doorstep since my very first Christmas without Vern has left me this year, too.  Christmas Eve Sparkles


No, not really. I will forever be grateful for that special angel. And I love the true meaning of Christmas - but we have strayed pretty far away from that IMO.

UPDATE 12/26/16! There were sparkles out in the street at the end of our driveway ... where they were that very first time just days after Vern died.  I just didn't see them until I backed the car out of the driveway today. A valuable lesson learned. How many gifts do we not see because we're not looking in the right place for them?

So ... I'm trying to figure out how to get a handle on all of this other 'stuff'. Some of it is just me ... and at my age I'm probably just going to have to learn to live with it. I've always had a self-esteem issue and it doesn't take much for me to feel 'less than' or invisible. An innocent posting showing appreciation to others but omitting me is what led to this latest thing. I'm 65 for crying out loud. Why do I care? I don't do the things I do to be recognized. And why does this take me back to my early days of grief when I just wanted to run away to a place where I knew no one.

But that's unrealistic. Unfortunately. So, instead, I'm spending the day in the Widowed Village chat room ... making sure that anyone who pops in on Christmas knows there is someone else around to greet them, to hear them, to care.

And I'm writing this blog post.  And I've made a list of the online classes I signed up for but haven't started - and have actually started one of them. And I'm organizing my desk. Little steps forward.

I stay active on FB and Instagram because I'm trying to promote my business but when I look at how few people 'like' or respond to anything I post it's pretty obvious that most of my 'friends' are definitely not 'following' me or wanting my posts to show up in their news feed. And, yes, I added that little fact to my pity party yesterday, too. Sigh. When you're feeling down, life just seems to pile on. Or at least that's how it feels.

So ... can I make this business thing work? I've felt called to do this, believe it's my life's work and that it honors Vern, but how much effort do I want to put into it at this stage of my life? I honestly don't know.

What I do know is that I'm very excited about the two small, intimate retreats I have scheduled for March in Folly Beach, SC. The first one is filled and the second one just 1/3 filled. I'm buying and planning and creating some lovely things and can't wait to meet these wonderful women and share the life-changing Soul Restoration curriculum with them at this beautiful beach house. Will I make any money from these retreats? If I fill both of them, I hope to cover my expenses. Will I offer retreats and classes here in southern Nevada? I'm not yet sure about that. I need to find a location I can afford that 'feels' right. So I'm putting that on my vision board. Oh yeah, that's another thing - I plan to hold vision board workshops as part of my business, too. So if any of this interests you - or you know anyone who might be interested - please share my business links and sign up for emails about future events.

It does feel good to just write this all out and put things into proper perspective. When I look back at all I've handled since Vern was diagnosed in 2006, this is really so insignificant. I know I've got this, no matter how it all turns out.


Michele Neff Hernandez said...

You are valued, loved, appreciated and heard. Thank you for sharing so honestly and courageously the hard parts. ❤️

MommaB said...

My dear sweet, beautiful friend- I look at you and find it oh so hard to believe you have the same insecurities that have plagued me all my life. You are sooo far above and beyond sooo many others in every way that really counts. I'd give anything if we were closer! Sending you a hug to tell you are not alone and you are valued more than you realize.

Salt said...

Confession: I am a bit ashamed to admit this...I've often read your posts, looked at your pictures and envied YOU in what you've been able to do. In those moments, I've felt "less than" and "not enough" and almost a failure in how I am doing as a widow! I wrote a FB post about missing my husband Pepper, this time of year and had someone respond "still"? I am not a FB fan because of the way those lack of "likes" have an ability to make one feel--but off went my post (again) just because of that one word! I've felt inadequate, misunderstood and unappreciated at unexpected times since losing my husband; all things hard to deal because additionally I've felt petty. I am always surprised at the things that now bother the "strong woman" I once thought I was. Dianne, I think that even at 65, women assume and feel so many things that are the same. We just don't realize it until we hear someone who looks like they have the widow thing down pat give voice to it. And then we know, yup it's just plain darn tough and there will always be harder times for us to cope with. Sometimes we just need a break until we find our strength again. I am one widow who shouts loudly,"THAT'S OK. I am confident you'll shine again soon in the way that only you can.

Kathie Scott said...

Dianne...I want you to know how much I have looked up to you since we first connected and admired how you have handled your life since losing your precious Vern. Leroy brought us together at a time when our husbands were fighting the beast and I have felt so blessed to have been able to correspond with you and meet you in myrtle beach a few years ago. I will be turning 65 in a couple of months and retiring shortly afterward and while I'm happy about that I wonder what I am going to do with my life. I look at what you have done and feel like I could never be that "involved". I should know the facade we put up is often that....the inside is in so much pain still. I know you probably take time to reflect and think about your direction but if you don't really take care of yourself first you can't give to others. Peace and love to you my friend.

Janice said...

Dear Dianne.....I hope you can see yourself through my eyes. I see how you have volunteered in Widowed Village, volunteered through Soaring Spirits and Camp Widow, become certified through Brave Girls University, started taking classes, holding retreats, and living your life and I am in awe that you are able to take on so much, while I feel that I am still treading water. I admire everything you have done SO MUCH. Two things here: I hope you can put the feelings of inadequacy into perspective, because you are incredible; and I thank you so much for sharing those feelings, for being vulnerable and open and honest. I will also be 65 next year, and I'm retired already and this feeling of treading water is killing me. So thank you, so much.

SRUN POR said...
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