Saturday, June 13, 2015

Pura Vida!

If you follow me on Facebook you know that I spent 10 days in Costa Rica last month. What a beautiful country ... fabulous resorts, gorgeous beach/ocean, spectacular rain forests, amazing waterfalls, beautiful people. I traveled alone, but met up with others who were attending an art retreat there. I ate some meals with them, ate some alone, enjoyed the retreat and took some tours ... a sunset sail and snorkeling (first time for me!), Blue River, Monte Verde cloud forest, Palo Verde National Park, Arenal volcano rain forest.  A simply amazing experience where I felt Vern right alongside me all the way.

Pura Vida! ... I couldn't tell you how many times I heard or uttered those words.  (And not just because it was the name of the drink I most enjoyed at the hotel.)  The words literally mean "pure life", but it goes beyond that. It symbolizes the idea of simply enjoying life and being happy ... ah ... sounds so easy, eh?  But it was ... there.  Not so much ... here.

I returned home to some drama, a massive volunteer project, a messy house, overgrown yard, house issues.  Aaacckkk!!!  The thought of running back to Costa Rica definitely crossed my mind.

But I stayed, of course.

And here I am 3 weeks later and I’m in a funk. Haven’t been feeling great, not eating properly, not getting things done, tears popping up easily. And I spent most of the past two days just laying in bed, doing nothing, letting some crazy thoughts take root. Feeling I want to just hunker down as I did those early months. Wrap myself up in my little cocoon and keep the world away.

I know that’s not the healthiest way to deal with … ok, I’ll say it … depression … but it has worked for me before. The difference now is that I know I will be ok. I just sometimes need to give myself this little break. Close myself off by just not being available to always saying 'yes' to whatever is asked of me. Because I know I can't say 'no'.

So today I did not attend my local regional group meeting (I'm sorry, Rose, Ann, Lupe). Instead, I took my cup of hot tea out to the pool. Sat down on the edge and stuck my feet in the water. Opened up the lovely Bella Grace magazine and gave myself the gift of peace. 

... until I looked closer at the pool and realized the in-floor cleaning system wasn't working and it desperately needs a replastering and weeds have taken over the backyard, too. More things to add to the to-do list.  Sigh.

And then a mockingbird decided to start chattering ... and that reminded me of how much Vern loved those birds ... and that brought tears because he should be here.  A good ol' downpour. Guess that is what I needed because I did feel better after.

I've 'mostly' stayed offline today. I've worked a bit on my Bible journaling and some artsy stuff and then decided it was time to write a blog. It usually helps me to put this stuff in writing and just be done with it. 

My life is good. And I'm ok. I know I am lucky to have a paid-off house and a pension check, unlike so many of my dear widowed friends. I am grateful for what I have. But sometimes ... just sometimes ... I get so tired of having to always be the cheerful one, the positive one, the put my troubles aside one, the whatever anyone who reaches out needs one. It's who I am and I know I can't change that. So today I'm giving myself a gift. In the words of my favorite Brave Girl class ... I am closed for restoration. Today is all about me.  Dianne will return tomorrow ... or maybe Monday.


Janice said...

thank you so much for sharing this, dianne. i have been in the same kind of funk for several days now. it started 10 days ago with the death of a friend's son---a friend whose wife and 8 year old died in a plane crash 26 years ago, and now his only surviving son has died in a motorcycle crash on his way to a memorial service. that was followed a few days later by the sudden and tragic loss of a friend i saw just a couple of days before he died, looking really good, sounding happy. and then he died after talking to a friend on the phone and was not found for several days. i have been reeling. i've been hunkered down for 3 days binge watching tv and feeling so sad. today i am leaving the house to have dinner with somebody. thanks for making me feel like it's okay to have those awful awful days. thanks for letting me know that i can get back up from this.

A Myeloma Widow's Journey said...

I'm so sorry you're having to deal with these sudden losses, Janice. Hunkering down sometimes is all we can do. I guess as long as it's a short 'hunker' we're ok, eh? I hope you have a lovely dinner.