Tuesday, July 5, 2011

It's just emotion ....

... and mine have been all over the map lately.  "In the words of a broken heart, it's just emotion that's taking me over ...."  I heard that Bee Gees song today and it fit, even though I know the lyrics have nothing to do with widow grief.

Highs and lows. Tears and laughter. Ups and downs. Joy and sorrow.  Just emotions ....

Actually, I've been feeling pretty good lately. Work is good, Jeremy is doing really well, and I hit the 9 month mark on June 22 and didn't fall apart. I owe my former co-worker, Vince, for getting me through that date. He called that morning and invited me to join him for the 5th anniversary show of Phantom of the Opera at The Venetian. It was wonderful - beautiful voices and a simply amazing theater - and it was so nice to catch up with Vince.

But then the weekend hits and I still can't get myself out of the house. During my work week I feel pretty positive about doing some things, but then I just cannot force myself out that door unless I absolutely have to. I can create lists of things to do, places to go, but the weekend hits and I plop myself in Vern's recliner and pull up my laptop. I'm comfortable. It feels good. It's comforting. And I'm ok with it ... until Sunday evening.  Then I start beating myself up about it.  So I'll just keep on trying again next weekend, and the next....

I did finally get Vern's Mustang running. It and the wheelchair van have been sitting out in the driveway for months; the batteries died long ago. It was a bit of a fiasco with AAA and finding a repair shop that would recharge the battery, but ended up being worth the couple of hours it took. I wasn't sure how I'd feel getting into his car, but it was ok.  I'm sure he's pleased I finally took care of this. Unfortunately, the van is still not running (that's too long a story to get into here). I'll try getting that one on the road next weekend. I do really hate having to do all of this stuff alone.

I spend a lot of time in Widowed Village. I need it. They 'get' me there. They understand what I'm feeling and experiencing because they're feeling and experiencing it, too. I can help others there when they need it ... and they are there for me when I need it.  I've made some wonderful friends, people I really care about, and will meet some of them next month at Camp Widow in San Diego. And I'm even planning a trip to Calgary next July to meet up with my very special Canadian Widville friend. We'll do the Stampede and visit Banff and Lake Louise. We may even do a trip to DC together before that. We have a really special connection that I am so very grateful for. So that's a really good thing for me.

But my emotions are lying just under the surface and it doesn't take much to set me off.  I miss Vern and the life we had.  I hurt more for others.  There's been another tragic death at work, a dear friend's husband has entered hospice, a precious little grandson of an MM caregiver is in very critical condition this evening.  And the tears come.  I tried to attend the funeral of my co-worker on Saturday, but just couldn't. It was at the same funeral home Vern was at.  Watching the fireworks tonight brought tears.  The news of little Isaac this evening brought me to my knees.

"And where are you now,
Now that I need you,
Tears on my pillow,
Wherever you go,
I'll cry me a river
That leads to your ocean
You´ll never see me fall apart"


Tracy L. said...

Aww sweetie. I'm right there with ya. I wish there was something to say, but we've heard it all before and there really isn't anything TOO say. I can offer you the biggest ((hug)) from up Canada way though. eh.

Tracy xxoo
p.s. nice play with the bieber lyric :)
p.p.s. Can't wait for next year :)

jaloysisus said...

Very moving, Dianne, and encouraging.

Anonymous said...

If only----there was something to say.
If only----there was something to do.
If only----there was someone who
could make it better.
If only-----------sigh

My heart hurts for you Dianne,and although I know you will have a wonderful time in Calgary ,I am so grateful you have such a good friend to pull you through. I know that time seems to crawl when you need it to pass and it flys when you need it to slow down. The very first blog message was about not knowing how to live this life without Vern and that you had never been alone. Please , you are never alone even in your darkest hours. There is no one who could ever take Vern's place. Berating yourself for not getting through this . How could any of us who have loved our mates for soooo long that we are one instead of two, how can anyone just get over it..... it wouldn't be natural if you could simply "get through it' How could any of us want to leave our homes..our comfort, the place they always are near us.Today is one more day on another long journey. Know that there are so many who care about you and pray for you and keep you and Vern in their hearts. That really is all we can do.....
If only-------we could do more.