Tuesday, May 24, 2011

An 8 Month Update

Gosh, I didn't realize I hadn't posted anything but pictures here in over a week. Guess that makes a statement about how things have been for me. Lots of varied emotions at play, but I feel like I've risen through those dark clouds now.

I celebrated a birthday along the way ... the big 60.  I was actually looking forward to this one because of the retirement options turning 60 brings to me. I'm getting comfortable with the idea. Kind of looking at February 2012 as a possible date but, of course, things can change. Who knows what could happen? I haven't signed any official papers yet; I'll know when it's right (but it is quite nice to have the option available now). 

My sweet friend, Luci, sent me a lovely flower arrangement on Tuesday. I must admit that when I picked it up and opened the card, there was a split second I thought the card might say "I love you. Vern" since he always sent me flowers on my birthday. Luci wasn't happy with the way the arrangement looked, so I got a second bouquet delivered to the house on Wednesday. And then on Saturday, yet another!  Wow! Each one was better, but none of them looked like the photo on the website.  Makes me wonder what some of the flowers I've sent have actually looked like when delivered.

I had the follow-up spot mammogram, ultrasound and chest CTscan done. Had originally planned to pick up the report the following week, but the news about my co-worker made me feel that wasn't really important so I didn't bother with it.  Had my first colonoscopy last Friday; wasn't really as bad as I expected. So I'm figuring 'no news is good news' and will be meeting with the P.A. on Friday for the results of all the tests run.  I'm happy I followed through on finally having a physical; guess I really shouldn't wait another 7-8 years before I return to a doctor, huh?

Vern's butterfly returned!
 I attended the Nathan Adelson Hospice's Butterfly Release on the 15th. It was super windy, so I decided to bring Vern's butterfly home with me so I could release it in Vern's rose garden (that's the photo I posted here on May 15). He didn't want to take off immediately, but soon flew off high into the sky. Imagine my surprise when I came outside 2 hours later and found the butterfly floating around the front porch!  I ran inside to get my camera and he waited around for me to snap some more photos. It was a really special moment ... kind of like my sparkles ... that made me feel Vern's presence.

I've taken this week off work to get some things done around the house but my social schedule may have an impact on what I actually accomplish. I had a wonderful breakfast with my friend, Linda, on Saturday and a birthday lunch with friends, Joe & Luanne, today. Having lunch with my friend, Deb, on Wednesday to celebrate both of our birthdays and getting my hair cut and colored on Thursday. I'm happy that I'm feeling up to doing these things, so I'm not going to worry about it. These boxes will still be here whenever I get around to them.

Sunday marked 8 months since Vern went to Heaven. Time takes on a new dimension for widows. There are times when it feels like it just happened and those memories come flooding back. Yet other times it feels like forever since I held him in my arms. I think I'm making some progress, but it's still up & down with my emotions. And that's ok.  I've been doing the Silent Sunday photo posts and chose that picture because it always spoke to me. Vern loved his recliner and whenever I found him napping he'd have his hands clasped like that, like he was in prayer. And then, of course, his tv remote is right there next to his heart. That's a little private joke between us.

Separation is an illusion. Though your loved ones are not physically with you, they are with you spiritually and energetically. They live in you and through you. They are ever with you, as close as  your breath. When you are overwhelmed with missing their 'form', remember that their essence is woven into the fabric of you, now and foreverTranscending Loss: Understanding the lifelong impact of grief 


Kerrie said...

I am unable to comment, don't know what the problem is

Kerrie said...

That time, it worked after 5 tries! just wanted to say it was a beautiful writing and I loved what happened with the butterfly release. Angels are all around you, luv, Kerrie