Saturday, November 13, 2010

Melancholy: Sadness, Sorrowful, Blue

Wish I lived someplace where it rained a lot ... rain would have fit my mood this week much better than the sunshine we've had here. I took the week off to get some projects completed around the house but didn't really finish much at all. Got a few things started but just didn't have what it took to really get into them like I thought I would. I miss Vern every day, but it was much harder being home this whole week without him here to talk to, to watch tv with, to reminisce, to care for. I curled up in his recliner to read a few 'grief' books on my Kindle and made it through the last of all of the mail I had dumped into boxes. Found some serious things I had ignored that I will need to deal with. Just another thing to make me miss Vern.

Jeremy and I had lunch with Deb & Andi on Veterans Day. We had scheduled it a few weeks ago and it was a wonderful respite from the mood that has overtaken me this week. I'm very happy I went, but don't think our waiter was quite so happy since we stayed there for nearly 3 hours.

My GriefShare group didn't meet this week, but I did join the online group again on Thursday. It's important to have an outlet for all of these emotions - and the online bereavement group provides that.  I can be more honest there with people I don't know than I can with those I face each day. People here think I'm strong and don't see past the protective layer I've put in place. Only a couple even mention Vern. I know they care, but they really don't want to have to deal with my sadness and tears. So having a safe place where I can be me is important. Facing the bills, the house and car repairs, the everyday things that go wrong, all of the 'final' paperwork and then the extreme loneliness of no longer having my best friend here to help me get through these challenges provides a special connection to other widows who are facing the same issues.

I did get a good chuckle while reading "Widow to Widow: Thoughtful, Practical Ideas for Rebuilding Your Life" by Genevieve Davis Ginsburg.  I've said I don't have any anger issues, however, in the "Anger" section, she explains how dealing with "all manner of people who are acting as though the world has not changed are insufferable to the person whose world has just collapsed.  One woman, who was stopped for running a red light, screamed at the policeman, 'How would you like your wife to get a ticket when her husband just died?'"  Wow ... I guess I do have anger issues!  My parting comment to the Henderson motorcycle cop who gave me a ticket a couple of weeks ago was:   "If your spouse dies before you, I hope you remember how very kind you were to me today."

I shared with my online group that I was still sleeping in the hospital bed and hadn't got rid of any of the 'sick' things in the house. I think it helped to write that out and confront it - and I realized it was a step I needed to take. So I took the bed apart last night and I'm gathering the remaining supplies that were still sitting on the fireplace hearth. I have leftover colostomy supplies, PICC line flushes and dressings, gloves, tape, Depends, Nepro. I know there are people who don't have good insurance that could use this stuff, so I'm hopeful I can get it into the right hands. Had planned to stop by the dialysis center yesterday to ask the social worker there about this, but I just haven't felt up to going there yet.  After my meltdown upon entering hospice last week, I know I'm not ready yet. So I'm boxing everything up and putting it out into the sunroom until I feel ready. Someone suggested I ask a friend to do this for me, but I feel a need to return to the dialysis center some time to say my good-byes to the technicians, nurses and other patients we got to know during the past year and a half. This will give me a reason to go there, so it's on a future to-do list and that's ok.

I've struggled with my emotions a lot this week and, perhaps, it was a necessary release since I shove them into the background during my work week. It's only been 7 weeks ... a really short time for mourning ... but a really long time without Vern.


coklines said...

Wow, do I ever identify with a lot of what you wrote, Dianne. We really need to talk on the phone one day! You have my love and prayers. Patty

Ginny said...

What is it about people thinking we are strong? I guess like you say, people don't want to deal with our sadness and tears. They also seem to forget what we've been going through for so long. Or maybe they just don't know how to react, how to comfort, how to face what could inevitably happen to them, too.

As far as the rain, you are welcome to visit western New York. It'll be coming back on Tuesday, along with cooler temps and maybe even some snow. You could be here by then, right?

Barbara said...

Dianne... my heart aches for you.. and I have great anxiety with each post you write. I would like to reach out to you... right now I have a very heavy question weighing on my mind to ask you.. so if I may.. I will ask it here.. do you recall the moment or event when you knew the direction of Vern's MM was not going to get better? I hope that question is not perceived as being insensitive.. I am just struggling now... with so many things.. be well

A Myeloma Widow's Journey said...

Barbara: Please don't ever be concerned about asking me a question; I know how difficult this stinkin' MM is. I can tell you the exact moment. It was on Sept. 16 when the docs kept referencing his "extremely serious other issues" and I spoke to the palliative care nurse. You can read our CaringBridge journal for more info:

Please feel free to email me at if you'd prefer to 'talk' privately.

Ginny: And yes - I'm here for you, too. I'm happy to have a chance to 'pay it forward'.

Kerrie said...

Your pain made my stomach hurt. It is such a heavy burden for you to bear. Only time will lessen a fraction of the hurt....praying and sending love, Kerrie