Me by Jo Dee Messina

An online friend posted this video on Facebook and the words really spoke to me. When I wrote my blog post yesterday, this was pretty much how I was feeling - even though I wasn't able to really say that. Jo Dee's words speak for me.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IlV0TzuZlVg

I’m somebody’s daughter, somebody’s friend

A shoulder to lean on - no matter when

I’m somebody’s teacher, when they don’t understand

Got a seat in the bleachers, I’m the world’s biggest fan

Oh well

I wish I was half the woman I’ve gotta be

Wish I had all the answers right in front of me

I’m everything to everyone and I’m scared as I can be

When I look into the mirror all I see … is me

I’m somebody’s sweetheart, somebody’s girl

Someone’s direction to find their way in this world

I’ve got to be perfect, even when I feel bad

I’ve got to keep giving when I gave all I had

Oh well

I wish I was half the woman I’ve gotta be

Wish I had all the answers right in front of me

I’m everything to everyone and I’m scared as I can be

When I look into the mirror all I see … is me

When I feel uncertain

I’m on my knees to pray

I know that it’s all worth it

that at the end of the day

Wish I was half the woman I’ve gotta be

I wish I had all the answers right in front of me

I’m everything to everyone and I’m scared as I can be

Cuz when I look into the mirror all I see …

Is somebody’s daughter, somebody’s girl

Someone’s direction to find their way in this world ….

Happy Birthday .....

When I was younger, May was always a special month. My birthday, my Dad's birthday and 2 of my sisters' birthdays all fell within one week. And Mother's Day usually landed close by, too.  Lots of celebrating and good memories.

But since Vern died, it seems that May takes me to a dark place. That long, incredibly hard cancer journey began in May. And even though it's been 7 years (how is that possible?) I can still see in my mind's eye the day when we first heard the word cancer. I can see us in the dr's office looking at the scans, hear the dr tell us how bad it is, that immediate surgery is needed and I must check him into the hospital now. I recall driving down the street towards the hospital, but then pulling off into a residential area. I found a shaded spot and pulled up next to the curb. Holding hands. Silence. Tears. Drawing strength from one another to face the challenge.  During the 4+ year cancer battle I don't recall thinking much about May. Or any specific dates. It was such an effort to just keep doing what needed to be done. But now ... now that I'm alone ... May seems to be the month I will find myself crying at the drop of a hat ... songs, comments, stories ... it doesn't take much to get the tears flowing. I'm not consciously thinking about it, but it's there ... those memories ... lurking just below the surface. And I can tell you that spending a birthday without Vern is just not something I can enjoy.  I miss him. And it's just a reminder that one more year has passed without him.

I sometimes get so tired of feeling it's my responsibility to always be the positive one, to always be strong, to always set a good example of how to survive losing the love of your life. Really tired. But I can't help myself. It's who I am. And who I am is because of the years and the love I shared with Vern. So I keep on keeping on.

So while this has been kind of a tough day ... there have been some special moments that I am grateful for:

• Had a wonderful long lunch with my friend and fellow widow, Linda. 
• Received lots of online birthday wishes.
• Saw a couple of posts from widows who have appreciated my comments and support.
• Had a nice phone conversation with my "little" brother and one of my sisters.
• Received a lovely bouquet of tulips from my brother and his sweet wife.

And I smiled when I saw Google wishing me a Happy Birthday.

So I made it through today fairly well, actually. I got out of my pajamas - that's an improvement from previous years. And I ventured outside the house ... another improvement. And it's one day closer to the end of May.