Reflection

The new year always seems to bring reflection - and I'm at a place in my life right now where I think I will benefit from that. I'm still not doing the things I think I should be doing, but I do feel I've made some progress and just need to start 'doing' rather than 'thinking' about all of it. I guess recognizing that is an important step.

I watched the premiere of Tom Shadyac's documentary "I am" New Year's morning on Oprah's Super Soul Sunday. It helped to show me where I want to go, what I want to be in this world, what is important.  Simplicity. Love. Kindness. Connection. Happiness.  Quite inspirational.

And he also asked the question: How much is enough and what do we need to live a purposeful life? It's something I've been thinking about lately and I'm trying to use this question as a way to get started with cleaning out some of the stuff I've accumulated over the years. And I also need to use this as a push to finally pass along some of Vern's things, the medical supplies and remnants of his illness that still occupy space in our bedroom, his clothes, the wheelchair van. I know it's not healthy to be holding on to those things. I can't tell you why they are still there. It's not like I pull them out or even spend any time looking at them. They are just there. Perhaps it's my fear that getting rid of those things will mean I'm letting Vern go. Even typing those words brings tears to my eyes. No - I'm not ready for that. But I think I can convince myself that those physical things are in no way related to my connection to Vern.

St. Augustine said,

"Determine what God has given you, and take from it what you need; 

the remainder is needed by others."

Kindness makes all the difference

The days leading up to Christmas were not my best. Tears very close to the surface constantly. Not sure whether it was because I had pretty much ignored the holidays last year or just that I had passed the one year mark and expected more of myself than I was able to give. I thought I could decorate. I put up the tree but just could not put the ornaments on it. I was able to bring in some of my decorations for our department holiday gathering but they came home and went right back into the box. I didn't do any shopping, didn't purchase any gifts, didn't even go into the mall or any stores other than the grocery store.  I ended up accepting what I couldn't do and hope that next year will be better.

And then it was Christmas morning. My new boss wanted to deliver donuts to our security staff who had to work that day (isn't he fabulous?) and asked if I'd like to join him. Sounded like a great idea, so I said yes. I must admit I had second thoughts when I went out to my car that cold, dark morning at 4:45 a.m. to pick up the donuts ... but then ... as I backed out of the driveway and my lights hit the street ... there they were!  Sparkles!!  If you've been following my blog, you know what those mean to me. I honestly had completely forgotten about them and they took my breath away. Someone ...someone ... remembered and thought enough of me to do this wonderful kindness once again.

My Christmas spirit returned at that moment.